*The Unprotectables - Chicago's Most Vulnerable

[TheCC]

The Unprotectables - Chicago's Most Vulnerable

Expansion sucks lmap. Truer words have never been spoken. But why does expansion suck? For me at least, expansion sucks because I’m going to lose two of my teammates. I wish we had done a slow expansion like I heard PBE did recently, but I understand that with the recent influx of a ton of new users, it needed to happen as soon as possible. So now that my complaining is out of the way, what is this article actually about, you ask? Well, it’s about my teammates on the Chicago Butchers that aren't protected. The Unprotectables. I’m going to make the case against all of the players that my team had to leave unprotected. It was a hard decision, and we don’t want to lose them. So maybe if I make a bad enough case for each one, the expansion GMs will just give them back to us for free after the expansion draft. This isn’t going to be some huge article, milking for money. Although that might not be a horrible idea if I want to keep up my bad boy lifestyle that I’ve begun ever since picking up my first fine on my third day as a GM of the Minnesota Grey Ducks. Anyway, let’s start talking about how bad my teammates are.

Player: Sean O’Leary
Position: Wide Receiver
TPE: 1148
User: Blueline
Why you shouldn’t take them: Sean O’Leary is a cornerstone of the Chicago Butchers. He’s been there forever (and I really mean forever. He’s so old), and he wants to stay there forever. He’s already in his twilight years, so why not let the old man rest in peace in Chicago?

Player: Bender B. Rodriguez
Position: Wide Receiver
TPE: 1093
User: pazuzu
Why you shouldn’t take them: Man, and you thought Sean O’Leary was old? Bender B. Rodriguez is a whole season older! Other than that, he hasn’t been completely max earning, because he’s been pretty busy updating. Definitely steer clear of this one.

Player: Mike Hockhertz
Position: Linebacker
TPE: 913
User: CDub2
Why you shouldn’t take them: OLD! He’s hitting regression this offseason, and he didn’t even make it to 1000 TPE. Along with that, he’s constantly getting in fights with mascots. I’m not sure where that vendetta against mascots began, but it must have sprouted over something really serious considering how violent he gets.

Player: Mario VonPebbles
Position: Defensive End
TPE: 661
User: Jangorhino
Why you shouldn’t take them: Where do I start with this guy? Yes, he’s one of the most consistent max earners in the league. Yes, he has nearly $200m in the bank. Yes, he makes your team a ton of fantastic graphics. But this IRL old man (legend has it that his age is higher than any other two ISFL members combined) barely knows how to use a computer! If he sees you playing video games on any console or even a computer, get ready for him to ask you “what’s that nintendo game you’re playing?” His discord name is “pop pop” for a reason. He is also known for his many many Twitter beefs, but he’s actually been on pretty good behavior for the last few weeks, so we won’t go too deep into that.

Player: Tree Gelbman
Position: Tight End
TPE: 637
User: RenoJacksonHS
Why you shouldn’t take them: There are two big reasons you should avoid Reno in the expansion draft. 1. He’s a broken man. Literally. His body is going to give out on him any minute. His knee is torn up. He’s got a messed up back. Don’t even get me started on his brain. 2. He doesn’t have time for you. This guy has three jobs. There’s no way he’s going to earn for you. I’m not even going to get into the fact that tight ends are useless. (sorry tight end friends I just don’t want to lose my friends)

Player: Julio Tirtawidjaja
Position: Running Back
TPE: 605
User: IndonesianHusker
Why you shouldn’t take them: Running backs are a dime a dozen these days. You can get one in the draft, or the expansion draft, or probably even in free agency. Just get one somewhere else. Please? Also, fun fact: as his username suggests, he’s from Indonesia. So he can actually barely speak English at all. (this is not true at all lol)

Player: Von Hayes
Position: Tight End
TPE: 603
User: LimJahey
Why you shouldn’t take them: Von Heezy is also a tight end, and I already said that tight ends are useless up above. And also he goes by Von Heezy? What is that? Yikes, red flag. He also just became the head of graphics, so he’s probably not even going to earn any more TPE at all. So if you end up taking him, have fun with your 600 TPE tight end until regression.

Player: Cadillac Harris
Position: Cornerback
TPE: 535
User: Warner
Why you shouldn’t take them: We recently acquired Cadillac Harris in a trade, so I actually don’t know anything about him. Want to know why I don’t know anything about him? Because he’s inactive. Boom.

Player: Sam Sidekick
Position: Kicker / Punter
TPE: 526
User: Evok
Why you shouldn’t take them: Okay this one is easy. Evok doesn’t even watch football. She barely has any understanding of the concept of football. She often looks up her stats, and then pings us to tell her if she’s doing good. Is it adorable? Yes. But you need people with real life football knowledge...or something...for some reason. She’s also a GM in the SMJHL or whatever it’s called. It’s like the DSFL of the SHL. So she probably doesn’t even have time for you. Also she’ll probably cry if she gets separated from the Butchers.

Player: Hingle McCringleberry
Position: Linebacker
TPE: 466
User: Jmac NCheese
Why you shouldn’t take them: This one is easy. I shouldn’t even have to tell you. Key and Peele name. Why I allowed our GMs in Chicago to draft a Key and Peele name in the first round, I am not sure. Bad pick.

Player: Griff Oberwald
Position: Wide Receiver
TPE: 441
User: Aenir
Why you shouldn’t take them: Well first off, he doesn’t do anything until the last minute. I check people’s updates in Chicago to make sure they aren’t missing anything, and I always have to tell him to get everything done. Not to mention, he’s also the little brother of one of our GMs, Muford.

Player: Simeon Works
Position: Defensive End
TPE: 374
User: JuicyChase
Why you shouldn’t take them: They are inactive!

Player: Raphael d’Alcott
Position: Safety
TPE: 368
User: KenitohMenara
Why you shouldn’t take them: They were inactive! And definitely haven’t found a new excitement for the league since they were recently traded to the Chicago Butchers! Don’t even check!

Player: Raheem Okusi
Position: Wide Receiver
TPE: 365
User: Raheem James
Why you shouldn’t take them: They are inactive!

Player: Perry Tucker Jr.
Position: Offensive Line
TPE: 322
User: Perry87
Why you shouldn’t take them: They are inactive!

Player: Stevie Vassallo
Position: Defensive End
TPE: 321
User: Libertines
Why you shouldn’t take them: They are inactive!

And there you have it. I’m sure that this has convinced you that none of our players would be a good fit for your locker room. I understand that you guys will have to take two of our players in the expansion draft, no matter what. But these people are all so bad that you should probably just trade them back to us. Honestly, they’re so bad that you should probably throw us some picks to even take them back. Okay, that’s all that I had. I love my teammates and anything I said was just poking fun. I want us to be a big happy family forever. Plus, it would kill me if my friends weren’t here with me when we definitely win an Ultimus trophy next season! Bonus, the pay from this article should be able to fuel another fine or two :eyes: Take care everyone!

[Frostbite]

Im telling expansion GMs to take all Chicago players right now I got you

[Cheech65]

Tight Ends are useless, can confirm
:sadpepe:

[Bayley]

Reasons not to take @TheCC - Mountain.bikes.

[Blueline]

What did I tell you whippersnappers, get off my lawn and turn down your rap music!

Gertrude! I need help! I went poopey in my trousers again, ahh hell!

[Jangorhino]

Did someone say twitter beef?