Back for some more useless commentary on player names, are you? Well I’ve got just the fix for ya, kid.
So much analysis goes into each of these selections. How much TPE does he earn? Is he active in the discord? Does he have a league-appointed job? Is he actually 9 years old? Many parallels to NFL style scouting. And yet we know there how to be so much more to this whole sim…so much more to life in fact…that we cannot truly quantify by measuring point tasks. So how do we account for the unknown? How can we qualify what lies beneath?
Well thanks to some long nights, fancy algorithms, numerous Bunsen burners, and desperation for money, I present to you a statistical tool to decode player analysis, team fit, and season 25 performance for easy consumption.
Who is the player behind the name? What does the name really say about the man? Where else can we turn but to the Wu-Tang Name Generator to tell us the real story here. President Trump. A very strong, powerful name. But what if I told you that his Wu Tang name was President Agent Orange. Imagine what history would look like had we simply not been so arrogant to use this generator before the first election. Clearly a mystical tool.
The team fit analysis was completed by a generator so simple and so random that it just has to have some greater meaning. Team fit was determined by me generating two random words. Maybe it’s an innocuous and worthless tool. Or maybe…just maybe…it’s so much more than that!
The last tool in our triangle of brilliance was completed by scrolling thru a list of common southern sayings and randomly assigning them to players. I just like to read those things. This fortune cookie will determine performance for the upcoming season
Round 1
Pick 1 - Swantavius Jones, corner back
Wu name: Phantom Dominator
Random words: hall legend
Southern saying: I do declare
Well the stars certainly aligned for this player and pick. I’d say Phantom Dominator is the perfect name for a first overall pick cornerback. But then c’mon…Hall Legend. I swear to god this was randomly spat out. This has to mean Swanty is destined to be legendary. To top it all off the random saying that came out was “I do declare.” Well I do declare that these analytics & the cosmos absolutely loves Swanty Jones. A great pick for a new franchise to build around.
Pick 2 - Dan Foster, corner back
Wu name: Arrogant Artist
Random words: hang distribute
Southern saying: full as a tick
Former Pythons teammate Dan Foster gets a bit of a mystery pull here. Here’s how I interpret the cards dealt. Perhaps he’s a bit uncoachable. An artist in the secondary – but an arrogant one. Some want that attitude in their lockdown corner. Hang Distribute for team fit…it was a hung jury in the war room, the distribution of opinions were many. And yet despite the uncertainty here Foster pulled a ‘full as a tick’ note in his S25 fortune cookie. This implies that Foster will be entirely satiated by his performance this year. Growing fat on passes defensed and interceptions.
Pick 3 - Tex Wrecks, defensive end
Wu name: Foolish Swami
Random words: exchange deck
Southern saying: its blowing up a storm
A current teammate of mine, Tex gets a less than ideal grouping here. They say only fools…rush in. Well what choice does Tex have, he’s a d-end! Maybe commentary on not effectively keeping contain on the edge? Or maybe he’s just destined to be the team religious leader in the locker room. For team fit, Tex received ‘exchange deck.’ I believe this may have been a plea to the GM to trade down in the draft as Tex might have been available a few picks later while also adding to the team’s pick stock. That’s on me for not forecasting this earlier and sprinting into the war room with the results. Nevertheless, Tex should be ‘blowing up a storm’ this coming season. Personally that would be great for me on the d-line, so I completely support Tex causing problems and taking double teams.
Pick 4 - Raylan Crowder, defensive end
Wu name: Irate Ninja
Random words: sock quarter
Southern saying: give down the country
I’m getting the impression here that the tarot cards believe Crowder to be a very violent man. A ninja is one thing…but an Irate one? That’s a bit terrifying. Add to that ‘sock quarter’ for team fit. To me that has to mean Crowder will be pranking fellow teammates with a sock full of change, which as we all know is painful and will not leave marks on the body. As much as it scares me, an irate ninja with a sock full of quarters is a man I’d prefer to play with, not against. Honestly I don’t really know what ‘give down the country’ means. But what I do know is that – currently being on season 5 of Justified with the wife – I only just recently realized that this name is the combination of the two main characters, and it makes me very happy. Both these gents are from Harlan, Texas, so even tho I don’t know the saying, it seems to fit. If this player is going to channel his inner country boy Raylan Givens or Boyd Crowder, then he’s going to have a great season or 7. Watch Justified!
Pick 5 - Albert Ruschmann, defensive end
Wu name: Gentlemen Genius
Random words: concede weave
Southern saying: over yonder
Ah yes, the Gentleman Genius. A pleasure to have in the locker room and a coaches dream on the field. To me ‘concede weave’ is directed towards the next pick, Felix Archstone. Concede that the player with the beautiful hair weave is best picked later, take the Gentleman Genius instead. One would think that ‘over yonder’ would be what most offensive lineman would be saying to eachother throughout the year…as in, “hey man, where’s the Gentleman Genius?” “oh he’s over yonder, making another tackle for loss.”
Pick 6 - Felix Archstone, offensive lineman
Wu name: Amateur Pupil
Random words: exemption heaven
Southern saying: like two peas in a pod
Well as an Amateur Pupil, clearly Felix has a lot to learn. Maybe this is an indication that there will be some growing pains for the player this year. ‘Exemption heaven’ is an interesting team fit. I believe that Felix will show that despite any on field or off field issues, he will somehow ingratiate himself so much within the locker room that he will always have a place there. His season outlook, ‘like two peas in a pod’ is a nod to the fact that at some point this year, Felix will play to his potential, which is the equivalent of two large humans stuffed into the skin of one human. What more do you want out of an offensive lineman?
Pick 7 - Guy Fields, linebacker
Wu name: Lazy-assed Contender
Random words: equinox closed
Southern saying: go off half-cocked
Well Ms. Cleo does not appear to be a fan of Mr. Guy Fields, otherwise known as the Lazy-assed Contender. Well frankly I just don’t see it, as Fields has been a bigtime earner and playmaker in his brief career. But who am I to argue analytics? Equinox closed? Is the equinox the line of scrimmage, which Fields has trouble penetrating? An indication that the coaches will have trouble scheming for Fields? Very ominous. And then Fields had to go off half-cocked. Well all I know is that the equinox was closed to me, and folks kept calling me lazy-assed, I’d be getting half-cocked myself. This will be a true test of this analytical tool, if Fields succeeds this year and in the future then we must revisit the system.
Pick 8 - Tayshawn Crunk, safety
Wu name: Annoying Pupil
Random words: layout proclaim
Southern saying: fly off the handle
As an Annoying Pupil, I picture this to mean Crunk will be an Aquib Talib-type player. I’m getting vibes of Richard Sherman as well. Crunk will perfect the art of chin-wagging before it’s all said and done. Team fit is ‘layout,’ another word for ‘process,’ and ‘proclaim,’ as in having confidence…trust. Aka Trust the Process! So is Crunk a future Joel Embiid, or a Jhalil Okafur? Markelle Fultz? The team fit seems a bit obscured still. It could be terrific, or perhaps abject failure. Season expectations are for Crunk to just fly right off the handle. He is an annoying pupil after all. An indication that a chain pulling incident is imminent.
Pick 9 - James Gath , cornerback
Wu name: B-Loved Commander
Random words: common ambiguity
Southern saying: as easy as sliding off a greasy log backward
Well there’s no arguing that James Gath was a beloved team leader at both GVSU and in the DSFL. This would seem to indicate that he has a bright future as a team captain; however, his team fit is strangely viewed as a common ambiguity by our magic 8-ball. An indication that some internal questions will arise on his leadership. Well just because you’re not a team captain doesn’t mean you can’t be damned good. In fact, Gath is projected to be a natural in his first season. He will adjust to the ISFL and its receivers as easy as a man could slide backwards off a greasy log. Now let that image sink in.
Pick 10 - Medicinal Toblerone, offensive lineman
Wu name: Tha Commander
Random words: color-blind heal
Southern saying: like a bump on a log
Well if there is one thing Toblerone is, it’s a lineman that commands attention. Both from his abilities and from his appearance as perhaps something other than entirely human…if at all human. Either way I believe these are traits that benefit an offenive lineman. However, having the team fit of a color-blind heal is not one of those traits. One would think the color blindness is a result of the medicinals that Toblerone has been rumored to be on. Our analytical tool does predict Toblerone, seemingly a great “guy,” will turn ankle, or heel…or maybe turn heel on his teammates. We will have to stay tuned here to see what actually happens in New Orleans. While we have another saying involving a log here, being a bump on a log this upcoming season has to be a good thing for a lineman, no? Unmoving, unshakable. Or maybe he turns his ankle, or turns heel, and becomes glued to the bench.
Pick 11 - Goat Tank, defensive tackle
Wu name: Unlucky Worlock
Team fit: suit survivor
Sothern saying: gone back on your raisin
The Goat Tank is an Unlucky Warlock. He attempted to influence scouts to draft him higher, with him and his cronies often heard yelling “GOAT TANK” in public forums. He was in fact mocked as a top pick by some as well, but ended up dropping to 11. Unlucky? Maybe. His team fit as a suit survivor tells us that Goat Tank will survive and thrive after an impending lawsuit with the US Military over Tank’s claim that he is the “Greatest of All Tanks.” This may have been what lowered Tank’s draft stock. Still, our season 25 outlook for Tank notes that he will ‘go back on his raisin,’ or act above the way he was brought up. We all know Tank was a simple, hard working country boy in another life. Has all this bragging, boating, and Tank lawsuits gone to his head? Well yes, obviously.
Pick 12 - Peter Patterson, cornerback
Wu name: Amazing Prophet
Random words: hypothesize inflate
Southern saying: either fish or cut bait
The Amazing Prophet. What more can you add to that? Our system believes Patterson to be a great, well rounded player with terrific instincts. Great value pick. Our team fit analytics predict, or hypothesize, that Patterson will ‘fill’ the locker room with good vibes and positivity. Yet somehow, despite the glowing praise, our season outlook predictor believes that Patterson, or perhaps the team, will need to fish or cut bait at some point. This could only mean one thing – the SailFISH will be offered an intriguing trade proposal in the near future, a very strong offer. They will have a very hard decision on whether to pull the trigger. This is guaranteed to happen. Too many ‘fish’ references for this to be coincidental.
Pick 13 - Hank Winchester, linebacker
Wu name: Midnight Commander
Random words: leaf crown
Southern saying: don’t let the tail wag the dog
The name Midnight Commander must be an indication that Winchester is a party boy. He’s rallying the troops to hit the club and throw some bands. Yet he’s always been successful on the field. This disparity may have cost Winchester a few slots in the draft. And yet, his team fit is best described to be a ‘leaf crown.’ This stirs images of a Roman King receiving his crown with reverent onlookers. A nod to Winchester winning the locker room through a combination of talent and stacks of cash he drops at the strip club. His season 25 outlook is clearly derived directly from the Midnight Commander’s late night shenanigans. As the season bears on, there are concerns that the partying will eventually take a toll on Hank Winchester’s on field play in his rookie season.
Pick 14 - Rich Triplet, corner back
Wu name: Gentlemen Criminal
Random words: obstacle insurance
Southern saying: holler like a stuck pig
A cornerback with the tag of Gentleman Criminal is definitely a positive. Maybe not as much upside as the Amazing Prophet, or as pesky as the Annoying Pupil, Triplet comes off as a benevolent soul, but will jump that slant route like a professional purse snatcher. While I was initially unsure of his locker room fit as obstacle insurance, I believe I need to correlate it with his season 25 outlook, which will see him hollering like a stuck pig. I think it’s clear to us all that Triplet is destined to break his leg in his rookie season and may face mounting medical costs as a result of letting his obstacle insurance lapse. A very sad story. It’s in moments like these, in which I’m able to see into the future of a young Gentleman who will have a catastrophic injury, that I curse ever having creating this blasted tool.
Round 2
Pick 15 - Djibutee McJimmerson, tight end
Wu name: Amazing Madman
Random words: stride corner
Southern saying: why don’t you just take a long walk off a short pier
He’s one part Will Ferrell, one part Miami Hurricane, and all parts Amazing Madman. What else do you call a man who ate 69 hot dogs in 60 seconds? Da Booty. That’s what. He may be a bit psychotic, but he’s an excellent tight end prospect. Team fit appears strong, as he should fit right in with the Wraiths’ strong locker room. Still, his season outlook sounds disturbing. Perhaps a contractual dispute between team and player? Distractions caused by the vengefulness of a jilted lover? McJimmerson is predicted to have some drama in the ISFL. Get your pocord ready.
Pick 16 - Chuck Roth, offensive lineman
Wu name: B-loved Prophet
Random words: battlefield contact
Southern saying: happy as a dead pig in the sunshine
My former teammate Chuck Roth was nothing if not a beloved teammate, but a prophet? Well perhaps. He has since switched positions to defensive tackle – was that a part of his plan all along? Was it the will of god? What else is Chuck not telling us? In the locker room he is most certainly a battlefield contact, a source of advice, inspiration, and attempts at comedy. You want him in your foxhole. Our analytics interpret Roth’s position switch will have him as happy as a dead pig in the sun. A bit morbid, but I believe this is a good thing? Not sure why the ‘dead’ part is in there.
Pick 17 - Killian Chambers, wide reciever
Wu name: Midnight Destroyer
Random words: killer read
Southern saying: every dog should have a few fleas
As much as Hank Destroyer, the Midnight Commander, is known for his late night partying, Killian Chambers, the Midnight Destroyer, is know for the contrary. A by-the-book, 10pm curfew, coaches pet. Chambers lives and breathes his playbook, shunning the night life for early bedtimes and rise and grind workouts. The team fit is fantastic as Chambers is known down to breakdown film with the best of them, as well as recommend some great books. Killer reads all over the place. I am starting to second guess my southern sayings tho. Should every dog have a few fleas? And if so, does that mean Chambers’ brown nosing and homebody lifestyle will rub a few teammates the wrong way, but in the end be a good thing? Sure why not.
Pick 18 - Tony Yeboah, safety
Wu name: Shriekin Ninja
Random words: jaw trap
Southern saying: you could start an argument in an empty house
The magic 8-ball for Tony Yeboah is showing some parallels here. Otherwise known as the Shrieking Ninja, Yeboah is not one to be messed with. He’s a classic jaw trap of a teammate. You know, someone who you just don’t want to go word-for-word with. This indicates Yeboah is destined to be the vocal team leader. Our predictive tool for season 25 expects Tony to talk so much that he ends up, maybe literally, arguing with himself in his own home. Now that’s a jaw trap if I’ve ever seen one. He may talk a lot, but let’s not forget the second part of his name. He’s still a ninja. He’s still dangerous.
Pick 19 - Adam Mellott, offensive lineman
Wu name: Drunken Swami
Team fit: cope topple
Southern saying: that doesn’t amount to a hill of beans
The universe does not love Mellott’s outlook at this point. Maybe his profile as a Drunken Swami means his pass blocking footing needs a bit of fine tuning, or maybe it’s a commentary on alcoholism. One way or another, we need an intervention. Our team fit indicates Mellott will need to cope with teammates giving him the business during practice, toppling him over numerous times. Hopefully its not because he’s drunk at practice. I have to do a bit of interpreting for our southern sayings, and I’m go ahead and say that, despite all of Mellott’s issues with footing and alcoholism, it won’t amount to anything for his rookie outlook. Mellott will be just fine. Nothing to be concerned about.
Pick 20 - Richard Leaking, linebacker
Wu name: Arrogant Dreamer
Random words: celebration uncle
Southern saying: busy as a stump-tailed cow at fly time
With dreams of grandeur, Leaking is known to our tool as the Arrogant Dreamer. How dare he believe to be the best linebacker in this class. How can one raised by Geese become an elite linebacker? (see wiki). Nonetheless here we are, a man with looks and skills to kill. We expect Leaking to be a celebration uncle of sorts in the locker room, sharing his various dance moves and arrogant dreamer poses with teammates the way an uncle teaches his nephew lessons otherwise neglected. Perhaps over time he becomes that elite linebacker, but we believe Leaking’s season outlook is compared to a cow, with no tail, fighting off flies. Working had but largely ineffectual. Hopefully we are able to see one or two of those dance moves nonetheless.
Pick 21 - Davriel Lavigne, safety
Zexy Ninja, check shelf, caught with your pants down
Ok so urban dictionary tells me that Zexy is “A much cooler, more elite form of saying the word 'Sexy.” Color me intimidated. This is some high praise…I think. Probably means he plays the position beautifully, with quick reactions and all the physical tools. Lavigne is cautioned to ‘check self’ in the locker room. Perhaps his artful style of playing the position will come off as a bit pretentious and preening to teammates? Definitely a concern here. I do believe a season outlook of ‘caught with your pants down’ is a positive for Lavigne. I expect numerous quarterbacks to stare down their receiver and then get picked by Lavigne. Were they secretly just mesmerized by the Zexy Ninja? How couldn’t they be.
Pick 22 - Vance Slattery, defensive tackle
Wu name: Lucky Genius
Random words: love pioneer
Southern saying: you’re a corker
The man formerly known as Vance Slattery is still know to our analytical tool as the Lucky Genius. No doubt lucky to have a dad like Guy Fieri, but a smart and instinctive defensive tackle that is a great value pick this late. His team fit as love pioneer is a bit befuddling. Will he have a romantic relationship with a teammate? Or will he show all his teammates the power of love on a more wholesome level? I’m not sure, but I’m rooting for him. I believe we may have a malfunction in the southern saying element here. Calling someone a corker sounds pretty British to me. But who am I to argue science. Slattery grew up on Soul food, he’s a love pioneer, and by god he’s going to be a gosh darn corker by the time all is said and done in his rookie ISFL season. And I bet that’s a good thing.
Pick 23 - Rusty Rucker, linebacker
Wu name: Phantom Prophet
Random words: willpower formula
Southern sating: scarce as hen’s teeth
I think we may have gone over our allotted number of prophets in this draft, but Rucker is the first phantom. No doubt commentary on his penchant for always quietly being in the right place at the right time. And can you get a better team fit than willpower formula? What better thing to introduce into a locker room. Well apparently hens do not have teeth. So what does this mean for the Phantom prophet? I would wager he pulls a disappearing act in his rookie season. No doubt a result of incorrectly mixing his willpower formula.
Pick 24 - dukburg quakstak, cornerback
Wu name: mighty leader
Random words: flush garbage,
Southern saying: slicker than snot on a doorknob
Well it sounds like our system has founds its darling late into the draft. Dukburg is predicted to be a mighty leader on the field, who will come in and flush the garbage right out of the locker room. Now that’s a draft pick. We believe his rookie outlook to be very promising. Typically being compared to boogers isn’t ideal, but in this case, when talking doorknobs, you love to see it. Expecting big things out of the duck this season.
Pick 25 - Jackie Daytona, quarterback
Wu name: Wicked Warlock
Random words: manufacturer castle
Southern saying: stomping grounds
The Wicked Warlock. He cuts up defenses like he’s cast a spell upon the secondary. He tears them to shreds with his razor sharp precision. To shreds you say!? The team fit for Daytona is simple – do they have the offensive line necessary to build a wall around their quarterback? Their king? Well our season predictor shows that Daytona will prove he belongs with the Copperheads and make it his stomping grounds. The question is…will Daytona literally build a castle for himself when he looks to settle down?
Pick 26 - Clay Stallworth, offensive lineman
Wu name: Irate Wanderer
Random words: hunting release
Southern saying: look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog
Such an apt name, Clay Stallworth was indeed the Irate Wanderer, falling all the way to pick 26 in the draft. Despite being known for his explosive personality, Stallworth is known to release some of that pent up aggression through hunting and fishing. Should he introduce this technique to some of his new teammates he should ingratiate himself quite well in the locker room. Expecting that Stallworth will have plenty of opportunities for some good hunting and fishing in Florida, and thus manage his anger, we believe his season outlook is quite good. The fans of the Sailfish should be as happy as a tick on a fat dog with Stallworth’s performance.
Pick 27 - Dave Batista, tight end
Wu name: Pesty Artist
Random words: horror adult
Southern saying: that takes the cake
This man is just so pesty, he continues to find ways to get open, all while continuing to create great artistic content centered around Dave Bautista and his various roles in life. Despite this talent, our analytical model believes Batista will be something of a horrible adult in the Yeti locker room. Most likely this will be related to blaring personal intro music before practice and trying to pin unsuspecting teammates during practice. Just a horrible adult. In the end though, we believe Batista will take the cake as the best tight end in the class for his rookie season.
Pick 28 - xmus flaxon jaxon-waxon, safety
Wu name: fearless samurai
Random words: spokesperson progressive
Southern saying: sight for sore eyes
A man synonymous with a fearless samurai. Xmus displays this on the field with his big hits and willingness to take on blockers to make a play. Off the field, others commend him for fearlessly signing every autograph under his full name, with no regard for developing carpal tunnel. While some team fits have been a bit tough to decipher, our model expects Xmus to be of such strong moral character that he will eventually become the next spokesperson for Progressive Insurance. Very specific. Or season prediction formula has gotten a bit cheeky with us here, as it expects Xmus’ play to be a sight for sore eyes. Yes it’s been what? Several weeks now since the Sabrecats have hoisted a trophy.
So much analysis goes into each of these selections. How much TPE does he earn? Is he active in the discord? Does he have a league-appointed job? Is he actually 9 years old? Many parallels to NFL style scouting. And yet we know there how to be so much more to this whole sim…so much more to life in fact…that we cannot truly quantify by measuring point tasks. So how do we account for the unknown? How can we qualify what lies beneath?
Well thanks to some long nights, fancy algorithms, numerous Bunsen burners, and desperation for money, I present to you a statistical tool to decode player analysis, team fit, and season 25 performance for easy consumption.
Who is the player behind the name? What does the name really say about the man? Where else can we turn but to the Wu-Tang Name Generator to tell us the real story here. President Trump. A very strong, powerful name. But what if I told you that his Wu Tang name was President Agent Orange. Imagine what history would look like had we simply not been so arrogant to use this generator before the first election. Clearly a mystical tool.
The team fit analysis was completed by a generator so simple and so random that it just has to have some greater meaning. Team fit was determined by me generating two random words. Maybe it’s an innocuous and worthless tool. Or maybe…just maybe…it’s so much more than that!
The last tool in our triangle of brilliance was completed by scrolling thru a list of common southern sayings and randomly assigning them to players. I just like to read those things. This fortune cookie will determine performance for the upcoming season
Round 1
Pick 1 - Swantavius Jones, corner back
Wu name: Phantom Dominator
Random words: hall legend
Southern saying: I do declare
Well the stars certainly aligned for this player and pick. I’d say Phantom Dominator is the perfect name for a first overall pick cornerback. But then c’mon…Hall Legend. I swear to god this was randomly spat out. This has to mean Swanty is destined to be legendary. To top it all off the random saying that came out was “I do declare.” Well I do declare that these analytics & the cosmos absolutely loves Swanty Jones. A great pick for a new franchise to build around.
Pick 2 - Dan Foster, corner back
Wu name: Arrogant Artist
Random words: hang distribute
Southern saying: full as a tick
Former Pythons teammate Dan Foster gets a bit of a mystery pull here. Here’s how I interpret the cards dealt. Perhaps he’s a bit uncoachable. An artist in the secondary – but an arrogant one. Some want that attitude in their lockdown corner. Hang Distribute for team fit…it was a hung jury in the war room, the distribution of opinions were many. And yet despite the uncertainty here Foster pulled a ‘full as a tick’ note in his S25 fortune cookie. This implies that Foster will be entirely satiated by his performance this year. Growing fat on passes defensed and interceptions.
Pick 3 - Tex Wrecks, defensive end
Wu name: Foolish Swami
Random words: exchange deck
Southern saying: its blowing up a storm
A current teammate of mine, Tex gets a less than ideal grouping here. They say only fools…rush in. Well what choice does Tex have, he’s a d-end! Maybe commentary on not effectively keeping contain on the edge? Or maybe he’s just destined to be the team religious leader in the locker room. For team fit, Tex received ‘exchange deck.’ I believe this may have been a plea to the GM to trade down in the draft as Tex might have been available a few picks later while also adding to the team’s pick stock. That’s on me for not forecasting this earlier and sprinting into the war room with the results. Nevertheless, Tex should be ‘blowing up a storm’ this coming season. Personally that would be great for me on the d-line, so I completely support Tex causing problems and taking double teams.
Pick 4 - Raylan Crowder, defensive end
Wu name: Irate Ninja
Random words: sock quarter
Southern saying: give down the country
I’m getting the impression here that the tarot cards believe Crowder to be a very violent man. A ninja is one thing…but an Irate one? That’s a bit terrifying. Add to that ‘sock quarter’ for team fit. To me that has to mean Crowder will be pranking fellow teammates with a sock full of change, which as we all know is painful and will not leave marks on the body. As much as it scares me, an irate ninja with a sock full of quarters is a man I’d prefer to play with, not against. Honestly I don’t really know what ‘give down the country’ means. But what I do know is that – currently being on season 5 of Justified with the wife – I only just recently realized that this name is the combination of the two main characters, and it makes me very happy. Both these gents are from Harlan, Texas, so even tho I don’t know the saying, it seems to fit. If this player is going to channel his inner country boy Raylan Givens or Boyd Crowder, then he’s going to have a great season or 7. Watch Justified!
Pick 5 - Albert Ruschmann, defensive end
Wu name: Gentlemen Genius
Random words: concede weave
Southern saying: over yonder
Ah yes, the Gentleman Genius. A pleasure to have in the locker room and a coaches dream on the field. To me ‘concede weave’ is directed towards the next pick, Felix Archstone. Concede that the player with the beautiful hair weave is best picked later, take the Gentleman Genius instead. One would think that ‘over yonder’ would be what most offensive lineman would be saying to eachother throughout the year…as in, “hey man, where’s the Gentleman Genius?” “oh he’s over yonder, making another tackle for loss.”
Pick 6 - Felix Archstone, offensive lineman
Wu name: Amateur Pupil
Random words: exemption heaven
Southern saying: like two peas in a pod
Well as an Amateur Pupil, clearly Felix has a lot to learn. Maybe this is an indication that there will be some growing pains for the player this year. ‘Exemption heaven’ is an interesting team fit. I believe that Felix will show that despite any on field or off field issues, he will somehow ingratiate himself so much within the locker room that he will always have a place there. His season outlook, ‘like two peas in a pod’ is a nod to the fact that at some point this year, Felix will play to his potential, which is the equivalent of two large humans stuffed into the skin of one human. What more do you want out of an offensive lineman?
Pick 7 - Guy Fields, linebacker
Wu name: Lazy-assed Contender
Random words: equinox closed
Southern saying: go off half-cocked
Well Ms. Cleo does not appear to be a fan of Mr. Guy Fields, otherwise known as the Lazy-assed Contender. Well frankly I just don’t see it, as Fields has been a bigtime earner and playmaker in his brief career. But who am I to argue analytics? Equinox closed? Is the equinox the line of scrimmage, which Fields has trouble penetrating? An indication that the coaches will have trouble scheming for Fields? Very ominous. And then Fields had to go off half-cocked. Well all I know is that the equinox was closed to me, and folks kept calling me lazy-assed, I’d be getting half-cocked myself. This will be a true test of this analytical tool, if Fields succeeds this year and in the future then we must revisit the system.
Pick 8 - Tayshawn Crunk, safety
Wu name: Annoying Pupil
Random words: layout proclaim
Southern saying: fly off the handle
As an Annoying Pupil, I picture this to mean Crunk will be an Aquib Talib-type player. I’m getting vibes of Richard Sherman as well. Crunk will perfect the art of chin-wagging before it’s all said and done. Team fit is ‘layout,’ another word for ‘process,’ and ‘proclaim,’ as in having confidence…trust. Aka Trust the Process! So is Crunk a future Joel Embiid, or a Jhalil Okafur? Markelle Fultz? The team fit seems a bit obscured still. It could be terrific, or perhaps abject failure. Season expectations are for Crunk to just fly right off the handle. He is an annoying pupil after all. An indication that a chain pulling incident is imminent.
Pick 9 - James Gath , cornerback
Wu name: B-Loved Commander
Random words: common ambiguity
Southern saying: as easy as sliding off a greasy log backward
Well there’s no arguing that James Gath was a beloved team leader at both GVSU and in the DSFL. This would seem to indicate that he has a bright future as a team captain; however, his team fit is strangely viewed as a common ambiguity by our magic 8-ball. An indication that some internal questions will arise on his leadership. Well just because you’re not a team captain doesn’t mean you can’t be damned good. In fact, Gath is projected to be a natural in his first season. He will adjust to the ISFL and its receivers as easy as a man could slide backwards off a greasy log. Now let that image sink in.
Pick 10 - Medicinal Toblerone, offensive lineman
Wu name: Tha Commander
Random words: color-blind heal
Southern saying: like a bump on a log
Well if there is one thing Toblerone is, it’s a lineman that commands attention. Both from his abilities and from his appearance as perhaps something other than entirely human…if at all human. Either way I believe these are traits that benefit an offenive lineman. However, having the team fit of a color-blind heal is not one of those traits. One would think the color blindness is a result of the medicinals that Toblerone has been rumored to be on. Our analytical tool does predict Toblerone, seemingly a great “guy,” will turn ankle, or heel…or maybe turn heel on his teammates. We will have to stay tuned here to see what actually happens in New Orleans. While we have another saying involving a log here, being a bump on a log this upcoming season has to be a good thing for a lineman, no? Unmoving, unshakable. Or maybe he turns his ankle, or turns heel, and becomes glued to the bench.
Pick 11 - Goat Tank, defensive tackle
Wu name: Unlucky Worlock
Team fit: suit survivor
Sothern saying: gone back on your raisin
The Goat Tank is an Unlucky Warlock. He attempted to influence scouts to draft him higher, with him and his cronies often heard yelling “GOAT TANK” in public forums. He was in fact mocked as a top pick by some as well, but ended up dropping to 11. Unlucky? Maybe. His team fit as a suit survivor tells us that Goat Tank will survive and thrive after an impending lawsuit with the US Military over Tank’s claim that he is the “Greatest of All Tanks.” This may have been what lowered Tank’s draft stock. Still, our season 25 outlook for Tank notes that he will ‘go back on his raisin,’ or act above the way he was brought up. We all know Tank was a simple, hard working country boy in another life. Has all this bragging, boating, and Tank lawsuits gone to his head? Well yes, obviously.
Pick 12 - Peter Patterson, cornerback
Wu name: Amazing Prophet
Random words: hypothesize inflate
Southern saying: either fish or cut bait
The Amazing Prophet. What more can you add to that? Our system believes Patterson to be a great, well rounded player with terrific instincts. Great value pick. Our team fit analytics predict, or hypothesize, that Patterson will ‘fill’ the locker room with good vibes and positivity. Yet somehow, despite the glowing praise, our season outlook predictor believes that Patterson, or perhaps the team, will need to fish or cut bait at some point. This could only mean one thing – the SailFISH will be offered an intriguing trade proposal in the near future, a very strong offer. They will have a very hard decision on whether to pull the trigger. This is guaranteed to happen. Too many ‘fish’ references for this to be coincidental.
Pick 13 - Hank Winchester, linebacker
Wu name: Midnight Commander
Random words: leaf crown
Southern saying: don’t let the tail wag the dog
The name Midnight Commander must be an indication that Winchester is a party boy. He’s rallying the troops to hit the club and throw some bands. Yet he’s always been successful on the field. This disparity may have cost Winchester a few slots in the draft. And yet, his team fit is best described to be a ‘leaf crown.’ This stirs images of a Roman King receiving his crown with reverent onlookers. A nod to Winchester winning the locker room through a combination of talent and stacks of cash he drops at the strip club. His season 25 outlook is clearly derived directly from the Midnight Commander’s late night shenanigans. As the season bears on, there are concerns that the partying will eventually take a toll on Hank Winchester’s on field play in his rookie season.
Pick 14 - Rich Triplet, corner back
Wu name: Gentlemen Criminal
Random words: obstacle insurance
Southern saying: holler like a stuck pig
A cornerback with the tag of Gentleman Criminal is definitely a positive. Maybe not as much upside as the Amazing Prophet, or as pesky as the Annoying Pupil, Triplet comes off as a benevolent soul, but will jump that slant route like a professional purse snatcher. While I was initially unsure of his locker room fit as obstacle insurance, I believe I need to correlate it with his season 25 outlook, which will see him hollering like a stuck pig. I think it’s clear to us all that Triplet is destined to break his leg in his rookie season and may face mounting medical costs as a result of letting his obstacle insurance lapse. A very sad story. It’s in moments like these, in which I’m able to see into the future of a young Gentleman who will have a catastrophic injury, that I curse ever having creating this blasted tool.
Round 2
Pick 15 - Djibutee McJimmerson, tight end
Wu name: Amazing Madman
Random words: stride corner
Southern saying: why don’t you just take a long walk off a short pier
He’s one part Will Ferrell, one part Miami Hurricane, and all parts Amazing Madman. What else do you call a man who ate 69 hot dogs in 60 seconds? Da Booty. That’s what. He may be a bit psychotic, but he’s an excellent tight end prospect. Team fit appears strong, as he should fit right in with the Wraiths’ strong locker room. Still, his season outlook sounds disturbing. Perhaps a contractual dispute between team and player? Distractions caused by the vengefulness of a jilted lover? McJimmerson is predicted to have some drama in the ISFL. Get your pocord ready.
Pick 16 - Chuck Roth, offensive lineman
Wu name: B-loved Prophet
Random words: battlefield contact
Southern saying: happy as a dead pig in the sunshine
My former teammate Chuck Roth was nothing if not a beloved teammate, but a prophet? Well perhaps. He has since switched positions to defensive tackle – was that a part of his plan all along? Was it the will of god? What else is Chuck not telling us? In the locker room he is most certainly a battlefield contact, a source of advice, inspiration, and attempts at comedy. You want him in your foxhole. Our analytics interpret Roth’s position switch will have him as happy as a dead pig in the sun. A bit morbid, but I believe this is a good thing? Not sure why the ‘dead’ part is in there.
Pick 17 - Killian Chambers, wide reciever
Wu name: Midnight Destroyer
Random words: killer read
Southern saying: every dog should have a few fleas
As much as Hank Destroyer, the Midnight Commander, is known for his late night partying, Killian Chambers, the Midnight Destroyer, is know for the contrary. A by-the-book, 10pm curfew, coaches pet. Chambers lives and breathes his playbook, shunning the night life for early bedtimes and rise and grind workouts. The team fit is fantastic as Chambers is known down to breakdown film with the best of them, as well as recommend some great books. Killer reads all over the place. I am starting to second guess my southern sayings tho. Should every dog have a few fleas? And if so, does that mean Chambers’ brown nosing and homebody lifestyle will rub a few teammates the wrong way, but in the end be a good thing? Sure why not.
Pick 18 - Tony Yeboah, safety
Wu name: Shriekin Ninja
Random words: jaw trap
Southern saying: you could start an argument in an empty house
The magic 8-ball for Tony Yeboah is showing some parallels here. Otherwise known as the Shrieking Ninja, Yeboah is not one to be messed with. He’s a classic jaw trap of a teammate. You know, someone who you just don’t want to go word-for-word with. This indicates Yeboah is destined to be the vocal team leader. Our predictive tool for season 25 expects Tony to talk so much that he ends up, maybe literally, arguing with himself in his own home. Now that’s a jaw trap if I’ve ever seen one. He may talk a lot, but let’s not forget the second part of his name. He’s still a ninja. He’s still dangerous.
Pick 19 - Adam Mellott, offensive lineman
Wu name: Drunken Swami
Team fit: cope topple
Southern saying: that doesn’t amount to a hill of beans
The universe does not love Mellott’s outlook at this point. Maybe his profile as a Drunken Swami means his pass blocking footing needs a bit of fine tuning, or maybe it’s a commentary on alcoholism. One way or another, we need an intervention. Our team fit indicates Mellott will need to cope with teammates giving him the business during practice, toppling him over numerous times. Hopefully its not because he’s drunk at practice. I have to do a bit of interpreting for our southern sayings, and I’m go ahead and say that, despite all of Mellott’s issues with footing and alcoholism, it won’t amount to anything for his rookie outlook. Mellott will be just fine. Nothing to be concerned about.
Pick 20 - Richard Leaking, linebacker
Wu name: Arrogant Dreamer
Random words: celebration uncle
Southern saying: busy as a stump-tailed cow at fly time
With dreams of grandeur, Leaking is known to our tool as the Arrogant Dreamer. How dare he believe to be the best linebacker in this class. How can one raised by Geese become an elite linebacker? (see wiki). Nonetheless here we are, a man with looks and skills to kill. We expect Leaking to be a celebration uncle of sorts in the locker room, sharing his various dance moves and arrogant dreamer poses with teammates the way an uncle teaches his nephew lessons otherwise neglected. Perhaps over time he becomes that elite linebacker, but we believe Leaking’s season outlook is compared to a cow, with no tail, fighting off flies. Working had but largely ineffectual. Hopefully we are able to see one or two of those dance moves nonetheless.
Pick 21 - Davriel Lavigne, safety
Zexy Ninja, check shelf, caught with your pants down
Ok so urban dictionary tells me that Zexy is “A much cooler, more elite form of saying the word 'Sexy.” Color me intimidated. This is some high praise…I think. Probably means he plays the position beautifully, with quick reactions and all the physical tools. Lavigne is cautioned to ‘check self’ in the locker room. Perhaps his artful style of playing the position will come off as a bit pretentious and preening to teammates? Definitely a concern here. I do believe a season outlook of ‘caught with your pants down’ is a positive for Lavigne. I expect numerous quarterbacks to stare down their receiver and then get picked by Lavigne. Were they secretly just mesmerized by the Zexy Ninja? How couldn’t they be.
Pick 22 - Vance Slattery, defensive tackle
Wu name: Lucky Genius
Random words: love pioneer
Southern saying: you’re a corker
The man formerly known as Vance Slattery is still know to our analytical tool as the Lucky Genius. No doubt lucky to have a dad like Guy Fieri, but a smart and instinctive defensive tackle that is a great value pick this late. His team fit as love pioneer is a bit befuddling. Will he have a romantic relationship with a teammate? Or will he show all his teammates the power of love on a more wholesome level? I’m not sure, but I’m rooting for him. I believe we may have a malfunction in the southern saying element here. Calling someone a corker sounds pretty British to me. But who am I to argue science. Slattery grew up on Soul food, he’s a love pioneer, and by god he’s going to be a gosh darn corker by the time all is said and done in his rookie ISFL season. And I bet that’s a good thing.
Pick 23 - Rusty Rucker, linebacker
Wu name: Phantom Prophet
Random words: willpower formula
Southern sating: scarce as hen’s teeth
I think we may have gone over our allotted number of prophets in this draft, but Rucker is the first phantom. No doubt commentary on his penchant for always quietly being in the right place at the right time. And can you get a better team fit than willpower formula? What better thing to introduce into a locker room. Well apparently hens do not have teeth. So what does this mean for the Phantom prophet? I would wager he pulls a disappearing act in his rookie season. No doubt a result of incorrectly mixing his willpower formula.
Pick 24 - dukburg quakstak, cornerback
Wu name: mighty leader
Random words: flush garbage,
Southern saying: slicker than snot on a doorknob
Well it sounds like our system has founds its darling late into the draft. Dukburg is predicted to be a mighty leader on the field, who will come in and flush the garbage right out of the locker room. Now that’s a draft pick. We believe his rookie outlook to be very promising. Typically being compared to boogers isn’t ideal, but in this case, when talking doorknobs, you love to see it. Expecting big things out of the duck this season.
Pick 25 - Jackie Daytona, quarterback
Wu name: Wicked Warlock
Random words: manufacturer castle
Southern saying: stomping grounds
The Wicked Warlock. He cuts up defenses like he’s cast a spell upon the secondary. He tears them to shreds with his razor sharp precision. To shreds you say!? The team fit for Daytona is simple – do they have the offensive line necessary to build a wall around their quarterback? Their king? Well our season predictor shows that Daytona will prove he belongs with the Copperheads and make it his stomping grounds. The question is…will Daytona literally build a castle for himself when he looks to settle down?
Pick 26 - Clay Stallworth, offensive lineman
Wu name: Irate Wanderer
Random words: hunting release
Southern saying: look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog
Such an apt name, Clay Stallworth was indeed the Irate Wanderer, falling all the way to pick 26 in the draft. Despite being known for his explosive personality, Stallworth is known to release some of that pent up aggression through hunting and fishing. Should he introduce this technique to some of his new teammates he should ingratiate himself quite well in the locker room. Expecting that Stallworth will have plenty of opportunities for some good hunting and fishing in Florida, and thus manage his anger, we believe his season outlook is quite good. The fans of the Sailfish should be as happy as a tick on a fat dog with Stallworth’s performance.
Pick 27 - Dave Batista, tight end
Wu name: Pesty Artist
Random words: horror adult
Southern saying: that takes the cake
This man is just so pesty, he continues to find ways to get open, all while continuing to create great artistic content centered around Dave Bautista and his various roles in life. Despite this talent, our analytical model believes Batista will be something of a horrible adult in the Yeti locker room. Most likely this will be related to blaring personal intro music before practice and trying to pin unsuspecting teammates during practice. Just a horrible adult. In the end though, we believe Batista will take the cake as the best tight end in the class for his rookie season.
Pick 28 - xmus flaxon jaxon-waxon, safety
Wu name: fearless samurai
Random words: spokesperson progressive
Southern saying: sight for sore eyes
A man synonymous with a fearless samurai. Xmus displays this on the field with his big hits and willingness to take on blockers to make a play. Off the field, others commend him for fearlessly signing every autograph under his full name, with no regard for developing carpal tunnel. While some team fits have been a bit tough to decipher, our model expects Xmus to be of such strong moral character that he will eventually become the next spokesperson for Progressive Insurance. Very specific. Or season prediction formula has gotten a bit cheeky with us here, as it expects Xmus’ play to be a sight for sore eyes. Yes it’s been what? Several weeks now since the Sabrecats have hoisted a trophy.
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