*As the Austin Copperheads team flight arrives home from San Jose, most of the players on the team skedaddle on home to their families. However, one player walks out onto the field, and sits down at the 50 yard line, right on top of the Copperheads’ logo. Despite playing a grueling football game against the rival Sabercats just a few hours earlier, the stadium lights shine down on him. Easton Cole, the only player remaining from the first ever Copperheads roster sits quietly, staring into the clear Texas sky. Head equipment manager for Austin, Spencer Adams, walks up to him to comfort him.*
Adams: “Hey Easton. You okay?”
“What a whirlwind day. We thought we had the playoffs wrapped up regardless if we lost to San Jose or not. We decided to go out and play our best anyway. Then that nonsense of a game happened and we lost a game we should’ve won by two touchdowns. It’s a lot to take in, especially with the controversy in the game, before we had the controversy after it.”
*Cole is referencing a few things here. Most notably, with the clock winding down the first half in San Jose, Austin was once again in the red zone. Watts was stopped on 3rd and goal the first time, and Cole threw a pick the second time. This time he found one of his favorite targets, Videl-San, for an 11 yard gain. Touchdown. But the referees said Videl didn’t get into the end zone. Replays clearly showed it was a touchdown, but the referees upheld their decision. In all of the chaos, the Copperheads kicked an 18 yard field goal on 1st and goal from the 1 inch line. They had two timeouts left. There was 23 seconds remaining. It was the most inexplicable decision of all time in a league that’s full of them. It would cost Austin dearly as a 16-3 4th quarter lead evaporated. San Jose blocked a punt, got a stop, and scored with 21 seconds left to steal a 17-16 victory. It would do more damage than the Copperheads realized.*
“They called the team into the room, and while we were celebrating our playoff birth, our GMs said we had to have a video call with Head Office. They come out to give us the incredible news. So, although we’re officially recognized as finishing in 3rd place in the regular season standings, it appears a weird tie breaker rule somehow takes us out of the playoffs and puts Orange County in. How the fuck does that work?”
*The ASFC fell into a 5 way tie for teams at 9-7. The standings show that New York finished first, and New Orleans finished 2nd. Austin is in 3rd. The Copperheads hold just about every single tiebreaker scenario over Orange County. But based on the tiebreakers, Arizona has to be involved. Once you include Arizona, Orange County went 2-0 against them, where Austin only went 1-1. Somehow, because of how Orange County beat Arizona twice, which has nothing to do with the Copperheads, they get put into the playoffs. What a mess this really is.*
“It’s a damn shame. I wanted one last shot at the Ultimus, you know?”
Adams: “What do you mean by ‘last’?”
“That’s it man. That’s how I’m going out. I’m retiring from the ISFL, effective immediately. It’s absolutely crazy, this ride I’ve been on for the last 11 seasons. From being chosen to be a brand new franchise’s QB after winning the Ultimini with Palm Beach, going 0-13 our first season, to getting robbed of our first ever win against the whining New Orleans Second Line in Week 1 of our second season, to winning the Ultimus but losing what should’ve been my MVP season to Cooter Bigsby because he got to put up stats against a Chicago team that was trying VERY hard to lose twice while I played in a much, much tougher conference to losing an Ultimus, to this ridiculous tiebreaker fiasco, it’s been a wild ride. It just makes sense, somehow.”
*Easton Cole will retire as one of the best QBs in the league’s history but for some reason never gained the level of notoriety he maybe should have. At first, he was known for his interceptions, and the knack they had for being defensive touchdowns for the other team. “Easton Cole just threw another pick six” became a popular meme for a moment, before he threw for 322 yards and 4 touchdowns for a 128 rating in a 37-20 Ultimus win over Cooter Bigsby and the favored Yellowknife Wraiths. “Easton Cole just threw another touchdown in the Ultimus” was the hot saying after that one. Cole was named Ultimus MVP for his performance. The next season, Cole was fantastic, throwing for 22 TDs and only missing out on the yardage lead by 10 yards. The MVP award that should’ve been his went to Bigsby, despite Cole out playing him with harder competition. Cole would go on to play very good, but underappreciated, football for most of his career. He set the league on fire with his 63 yard touchdown run to beat a VERY good Orange County team on the road, as he couldn’t be tackled by all 11 OCO defenders on the field. Still an unreal touchdown run that remains a Copperhead record today.*
“That might’ve been the best play of my career man. I remember the pictures that popped up all over the league of me just running into the endzone with a bunch of Otters on my back. It was so crazy.”
*So where does that leave Easton Cole in the history of the league? He retires 3rd All-Time in Passing Yards with 39,151, behind only the immortal Mike Boss and Borkus Maximus III. He finishes 2nd all time in Pass Attempts with 5,532. He finished 3rd in Completions with 3,182. His 245 career Passing TDs are 3rd all time behind Maximus’ 251 and Boss’ 293. And of course, Cole will finish 1st all time in Interceptions, throwing 141, ten ahead of Boss’ 131. In the playoffs, Cole was also at his best, and he will finish in the Top 5 in multiple categories, including being only one of 4 players to have 20 or more Passing TDs in the playoffs. He won a few other awards to go along with his Ultimus MVP as well. It was a very good career that will cause the Hall of Fame committee to have a nice discussion about him in a few seasons for sure.*
It was a ton of fun getting to be Easton Cole, and I’m ridiculously sad the ride is over. But, my time is up. I know that. Retiring a player after a long career is always so difficult, and it feels like I’m losing an actual friend as opposed to just changing characters in a sim league. I know that sounds weird. It’ll be so awkward not being the QB of the Austin Copperheads. Unless I choose on a whim to be one again and then Mooty will get really pissed. Of course I’m recreating, even though last night was the first time I seriously contemplated leaving the league. Yes, that was incredible amounts of bitterness for this stupid tiebreaker system, and since I knew I was retiring that’s why I was extra upset. This sim can completely go fuck itself, but we all already know that.
I’d like to thank the 47 GMs I had in Austin during my tenure. Mooty, Kyle, Amid, Second Mooty, Me, Steg for like a day, me again, etc. Jokes aside, we have an awesome group of humans on #TeamTeal. I’d like to thank @AdamS for letting me be his Co-GM in Austin to start the franchise. Without him, I wouldn’t have been a QB and I wouldn’t have had the great time I did with it. Thank you to all of my Snek teammates, past and present. One of my best memories from being Easton Cole was winning the Ultimus and excitedly texting my good friend @SDCore who I think was drunk AND crying when it happened. I seriously loved the ride. I can’t go too in depth about everyone that kicks ass, but you know who you are, and I love you.
This place, despite stupid ass drama at times, is still a community full of awesome people. My entire run as Easton Cole caused me to experience the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. It was worth it. Thank you.
EASTON COLE, BYE BYE! (1429)
Adams: “Hey Easton. You okay?”
“What a whirlwind day. We thought we had the playoffs wrapped up regardless if we lost to San Jose or not. We decided to go out and play our best anyway. Then that nonsense of a game happened and we lost a game we should’ve won by two touchdowns. It’s a lot to take in, especially with the controversy in the game, before we had the controversy after it.”
*Cole is referencing a few things here. Most notably, with the clock winding down the first half in San Jose, Austin was once again in the red zone. Watts was stopped on 3rd and goal the first time, and Cole threw a pick the second time. This time he found one of his favorite targets, Videl-San, for an 11 yard gain. Touchdown. But the referees said Videl didn’t get into the end zone. Replays clearly showed it was a touchdown, but the referees upheld their decision. In all of the chaos, the Copperheads kicked an 18 yard field goal on 1st and goal from the 1 inch line. They had two timeouts left. There was 23 seconds remaining. It was the most inexplicable decision of all time in a league that’s full of them. It would cost Austin dearly as a 16-3 4th quarter lead evaporated. San Jose blocked a punt, got a stop, and scored with 21 seconds left to steal a 17-16 victory. It would do more damage than the Copperheads realized.*
“They called the team into the room, and while we were celebrating our playoff birth, our GMs said we had to have a video call with Head Office. They come out to give us the incredible news. So, although we’re officially recognized as finishing in 3rd place in the regular season standings, it appears a weird tie breaker rule somehow takes us out of the playoffs and puts Orange County in. How the fuck does that work?”
*The ASFC fell into a 5 way tie for teams at 9-7. The standings show that New York finished first, and New Orleans finished 2nd. Austin is in 3rd. The Copperheads hold just about every single tiebreaker scenario over Orange County. But based on the tiebreakers, Arizona has to be involved. Once you include Arizona, Orange County went 2-0 against them, where Austin only went 1-1. Somehow, because of how Orange County beat Arizona twice, which has nothing to do with the Copperheads, they get put into the playoffs. What a mess this really is.*
“It’s a damn shame. I wanted one last shot at the Ultimus, you know?”
Adams: “What do you mean by ‘last’?”
“That’s it man. That’s how I’m going out. I’m retiring from the ISFL, effective immediately. It’s absolutely crazy, this ride I’ve been on for the last 11 seasons. From being chosen to be a brand new franchise’s QB after winning the Ultimini with Palm Beach, going 0-13 our first season, to getting robbed of our first ever win against the whining New Orleans Second Line in Week 1 of our second season, to winning the Ultimus but losing what should’ve been my MVP season to Cooter Bigsby because he got to put up stats against a Chicago team that was trying VERY hard to lose twice while I played in a much, much tougher conference to losing an Ultimus, to this ridiculous tiebreaker fiasco, it’s been a wild ride. It just makes sense, somehow.”
*Easton Cole will retire as one of the best QBs in the league’s history but for some reason never gained the level of notoriety he maybe should have. At first, he was known for his interceptions, and the knack they had for being defensive touchdowns for the other team. “Easton Cole just threw another pick six” became a popular meme for a moment, before he threw for 322 yards and 4 touchdowns for a 128 rating in a 37-20 Ultimus win over Cooter Bigsby and the favored Yellowknife Wraiths. “Easton Cole just threw another touchdown in the Ultimus” was the hot saying after that one. Cole was named Ultimus MVP for his performance. The next season, Cole was fantastic, throwing for 22 TDs and only missing out on the yardage lead by 10 yards. The MVP award that should’ve been his went to Bigsby, despite Cole out playing him with harder competition. Cole would go on to play very good, but underappreciated, football for most of his career. He set the league on fire with his 63 yard touchdown run to beat a VERY good Orange County team on the road, as he couldn’t be tackled by all 11 OCO defenders on the field. Still an unreal touchdown run that remains a Copperhead record today.*
“That might’ve been the best play of my career man. I remember the pictures that popped up all over the league of me just running into the endzone with a bunch of Otters on my back. It was so crazy.”
*So where does that leave Easton Cole in the history of the league? He retires 3rd All-Time in Passing Yards with 39,151, behind only the immortal Mike Boss and Borkus Maximus III. He finishes 2nd all time in Pass Attempts with 5,532. He finished 3rd in Completions with 3,182. His 245 career Passing TDs are 3rd all time behind Maximus’ 251 and Boss’ 293. And of course, Cole will finish 1st all time in Interceptions, throwing 141, ten ahead of Boss’ 131. In the playoffs, Cole was also at his best, and he will finish in the Top 5 in multiple categories, including being only one of 4 players to have 20 or more Passing TDs in the playoffs. He won a few other awards to go along with his Ultimus MVP as well. It was a very good career that will cause the Hall of Fame committee to have a nice discussion about him in a few seasons for sure.*
It was a ton of fun getting to be Easton Cole, and I’m ridiculously sad the ride is over. But, my time is up. I know that. Retiring a player after a long career is always so difficult, and it feels like I’m losing an actual friend as opposed to just changing characters in a sim league. I know that sounds weird. It’ll be so awkward not being the QB of the Austin Copperheads. Unless I choose on a whim to be one again and then Mooty will get really pissed. Of course I’m recreating, even though last night was the first time I seriously contemplated leaving the league. Yes, that was incredible amounts of bitterness for this stupid tiebreaker system, and since I knew I was retiring that’s why I was extra upset. This sim can completely go fuck itself, but we all already know that.
I’d like to thank the 47 GMs I had in Austin during my tenure. Mooty, Kyle, Amid, Second Mooty, Me, Steg for like a day, me again, etc. Jokes aside, we have an awesome group of humans on #TeamTeal. I’d like to thank @AdamS for letting me be his Co-GM in Austin to start the franchise. Without him, I wouldn’t have been a QB and I wouldn’t have had the great time I did with it. Thank you to all of my Snek teammates, past and present. One of my best memories from being Easton Cole was winning the Ultimus and excitedly texting my good friend @SDCore who I think was drunk AND crying when it happened. I seriously loved the ride. I can’t go too in depth about everyone that kicks ass, but you know who you are, and I love you.
This place, despite stupid ass drama at times, is still a community full of awesome people. My entire run as Easton Cole caused me to experience the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. It was worth it. Thank you.
EASTON COLE, BYE BYE! (1429)
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