MANASSAS -- Who is Poopyface Tomatonose? This is the question that very few, if any, NSFL and DSFL fans are asking themselves leading into tonight's DSFL Draft. Yet here we are, ready to answer that very question. The question you should probably start with when profiling someone with a name like that is "What the hell were your parents thinking"? It should come as little surprise that the answer to that question is that they weren't. In fact, his parents actually sold off the right to name their child to the highest bidder. At the time of Tomatonose's birth, FOX was preparing to air the highly controversial animated series Handi-Quacks. In an attempted a viral marketing ploy the network purchased the rights to name the child and named him after one of the shows main characters. Unfortunately for Poopyface Tomatonose, FOX did not have to foresight to realize that a cartoon about a trio of handicapped ducks would fail miserably. Although Tomatonose was just a few months old by the time the show tanked, his parents were contractually obligated to keep their child's outrageous name until he became a legal adult if they wanted to continue receiving the checks they made this decision for in the first place.
For the first year of his life, Poopyface Tomatonose was a national sensation. As is often the case with child stars, however, the world quickly moved onto the next fleeting story. By the time Tomatonose started kindergarten, the story of his name was all but forgotten. This, of course, meant that a child whose actual, legal name was Poopyface Tomatonose had to go out into the real world. As most would expect, he was teased relentlessly. He got it far worse than most kids as his peers couldn't take the easy way out and call him a "poop face" as that was, you know, basically his name. Instead they got creative to really inflict the pain and called him names that an adult Tomatonose still cannot bring himself to speak. Poopyface Tomatonose tried all sorts of tactics to own his name growing up, at times taping an actual tomato to his face or covering his face with brown paint (though that one drew ire for different reasons). Nothing worked. He was stuck with this name and all of the baggage that came with it. This was all ultimately a blessing in disguise, as we wouldn't be talking about this utterly insane story if there weren't some silver lining at the end of it.
As our subject grew older he became more adept at brushing off the insults hurled his way. This development was further aided by Tomatonose's alarming physical growth. By the time he started high school he was a towering 6'2" and 200 pounds. As ridiculous as that sounds, I must remind you once again that we are talking about someone named Poopyface. Nothing about this story is normal. Tomatonose caught the eye of his high school's football coach (not in that way) who thought the freshman would make an excellent tight end. He excelled on the football field and wasted no time making himself a new favorite among his peers. He became well known in the state of Virginia for his signature touchdown celebration: pretending to wipe his ass with the football, then rubbing it on his helmet. His new attempt to own his outrageous name was ultimately his undoing. Things came full circle and Tomatonose was once again a national sensation. Fans came to games with fake tomato-noses and brown face paint (it's worth mentioning now that all of this occurred in Virginia, so unfortunately nobody really said anything). Back in the public circle, all of Tomatonose's past problems had come back to haunt him and were more magnified than ever before. He shrunk from the national spotlight, quit football, and enrolled in a small private school for his senior year. Once again forgotten, Tomatonose graduated and enrolled in the University of Virginia.
Over that summer, Poopyface Tomatonose was set to turn eighteen and would finally be eligible to rid himself of the name and disappear into the real world as if none of this story ever happened. We know that Poopyface Tomatonose is very much still his name, so what changed? It was an unexpected phone call from the University of Virginia's head football coach that sent Tomatonose down his current path. He worked tirelessly to get Tomatonose to walk onto the Cavaliers' football team, promising him his past and his name would always haunt him unless he could face them head on. Something about this resonated with Tomatonose and he tried out for the team. His tryout was met with a condition, however. He had to keep his name. Tomatonose was apparently desperate enough to play football again as he relented and made the team. Once again the media started following the improbable story of Poopyface Tomatonose and once again he felt the urge to shrink from the spotlight. This time he was better prepared, however. With the help of hims teammates and coaches he didn't feed into the attention and was able to block out the noise. There was nothing to cover but the story of a Virginia football tight end, and the media coverage consequently faded as there are few things less interesting in all of the world. Tomatonose excelled throughout the rest of his college career, piling up receiving records as a Virginia Cavalier.
In spite of his triumphant story, he is not without his flaws as a football player. Now preparing for the DSFL draft, Tomatonose is facing questions from critics about his blocking. They say he is too one-dimensional to play tight end and too slow to transition to a receiver. Teams are also questioning his commitment. With the spotlight likely to return when his name is called on draft night, will he once again give up football and recede into the shadows? Only time will tell. What we know after taking a dive into the past of Poopyface Tomatonose is that he is one of the more intriguing prospects in the upcoming draft class and one who's future we look forward to following.
GRADED
For the first year of his life, Poopyface Tomatonose was a national sensation. As is often the case with child stars, however, the world quickly moved onto the next fleeting story. By the time Tomatonose started kindergarten, the story of his name was all but forgotten. This, of course, meant that a child whose actual, legal name was Poopyface Tomatonose had to go out into the real world. As most would expect, he was teased relentlessly. He got it far worse than most kids as his peers couldn't take the easy way out and call him a "poop face" as that was, you know, basically his name. Instead they got creative to really inflict the pain and called him names that an adult Tomatonose still cannot bring himself to speak. Poopyface Tomatonose tried all sorts of tactics to own his name growing up, at times taping an actual tomato to his face or covering his face with brown paint (though that one drew ire for different reasons). Nothing worked. He was stuck with this name and all of the baggage that came with it. This was all ultimately a blessing in disguise, as we wouldn't be talking about this utterly insane story if there weren't some silver lining at the end of it.
As our subject grew older he became more adept at brushing off the insults hurled his way. This development was further aided by Tomatonose's alarming physical growth. By the time he started high school he was a towering 6'2" and 200 pounds. As ridiculous as that sounds, I must remind you once again that we are talking about someone named Poopyface. Nothing about this story is normal. Tomatonose caught the eye of his high school's football coach (not in that way) who thought the freshman would make an excellent tight end. He excelled on the football field and wasted no time making himself a new favorite among his peers. He became well known in the state of Virginia for his signature touchdown celebration: pretending to wipe his ass with the football, then rubbing it on his helmet. His new attempt to own his outrageous name was ultimately his undoing. Things came full circle and Tomatonose was once again a national sensation. Fans came to games with fake tomato-noses and brown face paint (it's worth mentioning now that all of this occurred in Virginia, so unfortunately nobody really said anything). Back in the public circle, all of Tomatonose's past problems had come back to haunt him and were more magnified than ever before. He shrunk from the national spotlight, quit football, and enrolled in a small private school for his senior year. Once again forgotten, Tomatonose graduated and enrolled in the University of Virginia.
Over that summer, Poopyface Tomatonose was set to turn eighteen and would finally be eligible to rid himself of the name and disappear into the real world as if none of this story ever happened. We know that Poopyface Tomatonose is very much still his name, so what changed? It was an unexpected phone call from the University of Virginia's head football coach that sent Tomatonose down his current path. He worked tirelessly to get Tomatonose to walk onto the Cavaliers' football team, promising him his past and his name would always haunt him unless he could face them head on. Something about this resonated with Tomatonose and he tried out for the team. His tryout was met with a condition, however. He had to keep his name. Tomatonose was apparently desperate enough to play football again as he relented and made the team. Once again the media started following the improbable story of Poopyface Tomatonose and once again he felt the urge to shrink from the spotlight. This time he was better prepared, however. With the help of hims teammates and coaches he didn't feed into the attention and was able to block out the noise. There was nothing to cover but the story of a Virginia football tight end, and the media coverage consequently faded as there are few things less interesting in all of the world. Tomatonose excelled throughout the rest of his college career, piling up receiving records as a Virginia Cavalier.
In spite of his triumphant story, he is not without his flaws as a football player. Now preparing for the DSFL draft, Tomatonose is facing questions from critics about his blocking. They say he is too one-dimensional to play tight end and too slow to transition to a receiver. Teams are also questioning his commitment. With the spotlight likely to return when his name is called on draft night, will he once again give up football and recede into the shadows? Only time will tell. What we know after taking a dive into the past of Poopyface Tomatonose is that he is one of the more intriguing prospects in the upcoming draft class and one who's future we look forward to following.
GRADED
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