Here we are. Some shit has happened. There have been games. Kolbe is wandering the Earth, figuring out how to prove that TO hates him, even though we kinda already know that. NSHL is a thing now. Booyah. Some shit is going down all across the league. The ASFC is crushing the NSFC regularly, but that's not really news. Running backs are arguing who's best but that's not news either. You came here to see me overreact to shit and you know what? Let's just get to that. This article brought to you by the fine folks at Four Peaks Ale and their Kilt Lifter Amber Ale which is just yummy. As always, the randomizer chooses what order I talk about teams in.
PHILADELPHIA LIBERTY
You let the Yeti beat you at home. Falconi is still the worst QB in the league somehow. What are we supposed to trust again? Because I don't see a process. More like...a vomit of half cocked ideas that lead to one conclusion. Your running game is the best part of your entire franchise and even that is half as good as your main runner thinks it is. "Trust the process". Why? What has the process ever shown to accomplish for this team? You're the 3rd best team in the 2nd best conference and that's only because the DSFL doesn't count. If you got moved to the NSFC the only thing that would happen is you in 5th place. Out of 4. This is still the franchise that had one great year where it sold everything else out in order to win one title and then the leaders RAN THE FUCK AWAY TO AVOID THE STINK OF YOU. In other words, you guys are making significant progress over previous seasons.
COLORADO YETI
Your kickerback has thrown the most interceptions in the league. I wrote that two games ago and didn't even have to change it despite two other teams playing literally the worst Quarterbacked game in league history in the meantime. Your entire franchise is basically built off the back on one player, who's known best for losing out on being the best at his position anyway. Like...seriously...what has this franchise ever done right? Avoided lawsuits on your logo by technicality? Well...at least you're actually beating somebody I guess. Plus..you're on pace to easily set the record for most points given up. With luck you can take that record from.....oh....the Colorado Yeti. Now that said..credit where it's due. You beat Arizona in Arizona after a huge late game rally. You were down 30-7 and dug deep into yourselves and found your way back to victory in OT thanks in large part to the efforts of....John Wachter and Lamarcus Strike. So a sustainable performance you can build on then right? ANyway..you're probably due to go back to losing by 14+ points every single game, or as your coaches would call it "an actual description of every loss this season".
ORANGE COUNTY OTTERS
The good news is that your only loss came to the league leading undefeated San Jose Sabercats on the road. The bad news is that your comeback tour is being derailed by the fucking San Jose Sabercats. Good job. Angus Winchester retired this week. Means you'll get the chance to let him down one last time. Maybe you'll come up with some clever way to win like "throw a ton of passes to a running back". That's never been done before. You know what actually hasn't been done before though? Two QBs throwing over a hundred times and not completing 50% of their passes. Congratulations on sharing that achievement with the most likely opponent you'd face in the Ultimus. Nothing shows you're dominance like a performance so bad it reminds people you're only here because Nola's entire offense died. Looks like your near future is just gonna be the embodiment of your #1 WR's career. "Almost".
NEW ORLEANS SECOND LINE
With 6 minutes left in the game at home against the Liberty you had a 9 point lead. Guess how that ended. With the first touchdown throw by Andrea Falconi since week 7. That's how it ended. YOU DID IT CHAMPS! Blessed Storm was your leading receiver. That doesn't even require a diss. You're like when Disney does the direct to video sequel for really popular movies. Sure Simba still mostly SOUNDS like Mathew Broderick but we know its not him. That's what you are Nola. Off brand Simba. But hey...at least you're helmed by a top 3 all time QB right who's out there throwing to the great, not quite dead Paul Dimirio? Good thing you gave up all those picks to rent Crush for half a season and not win.
YELLOWKNIFE WRAITHS
How can we improve our incredibly lackluster season so that our incredibly young squad can see that there's progress being made? Let's trade a top 5 all time Cornerback. The kind of moves that win championships right there baby. At the beginning of the season pundits thought this team would be a disaster. They didn't realize the team would be so bad that it's giving Ryan Applehort flashbacks of Colorado. Sure, the team has a very bright future but the team also had a 14 point lead on the Second Line and look how that turned out. And because it's the NSFC you haven't been eliminated from playoff contention. So you're sayin' there's a...no. There's not a chance. Just like your running back getting 5 yards before the 4th quarter.
SAN JOSE SABERCATS
Well, it WAS going great. And then you let Arizona come into your stadium and beat you and now.....now you're in a fight with the Otters for home field advantage. Basically..classic Sabercats. But hey..the running backs are doing really well and the "rebuild the Cats that never won" plan seems to be going great. Same guys, different positions, two HO members. An offense that steadily gains ground and a defense that gives people mild discomfort some of the time. It's all looking like Cats 2.0 is gonna be a rousing also ran. It only took massive retirements, huge turnover, and basically the entire league looking like it's in a down year for you to really be relevant. Take a bow Cats. You've earned this eventual road loss in the playoffs in true San Jose style.
BALTIMORE HAWKS
You're the episode of Seinfeld where Kramer is in a karate class for 10 year olds. Sure..you're kicking the shit out of your entire conference. But if the last place Arizona Outlaws switched conferences with you they would be where you mare and you would be out of the playoffs. You just had the shit kicked out of you so bad that the Otters LET you score 10 points unanswered in the 4th quarter just so you'd only lose by a touchdown. You gave up 300 yards passing to a QB who couldn't even hit 50% of his passes and actually gave you the ball 3 times. You've barely beaten one team in the ASFC and that required you being at home and a last minute TD to make it look like you won convincingly. If experts could pick your team's most defining positive feature, they would watch a Second Line/Outlaw game instead.
ARIZONA OUTLAWS
Well, you had an offensive lineman get called for Offensive Pass Interference. The amount of questions that even goes into something like that happening is so incredible that I don't want them answered. Also, its was your most important win in like...5 years. You beat the Sabercats. Basically the only thing you've been good at doing since your glory days ended. Hey look. Jack Dwyer got a sack though. What a great draft pick. Anyway, this was supposed to be your breakout season and the only thing that's gonna be broken out of is your players breaking out of the prison of being Outlaws and leaving for greener pastures. Which is almsot anywhere, as anyone who's actually been to Arizona can attest. You're so useless you make music majors feel like they're accomplishing something.
OVERALL NSFL
Jesus H. Christ I haven't seen play this bad since I watched a bot team win the Ultimini. The whole league is lost without the kind of players it's been shedding for several years now. Congratulations. You've singlehandedly made EFL ratings go up. Watching the level of play this year is like watching two blind people try to lose their virginity together. Maybe we should bring back Pierno. He'd finally be able to be a top 5 QB in the league. The MVP this year should be that lineman from the Outlaws. At least he was trying.
PHILADELPHIA LIBERTY
You let the Yeti beat you at home. Falconi is still the worst QB in the league somehow. What are we supposed to trust again? Because I don't see a process. More like...a vomit of half cocked ideas that lead to one conclusion. Your running game is the best part of your entire franchise and even that is half as good as your main runner thinks it is. "Trust the process". Why? What has the process ever shown to accomplish for this team? You're the 3rd best team in the 2nd best conference and that's only because the DSFL doesn't count. If you got moved to the NSFC the only thing that would happen is you in 5th place. Out of 4. This is still the franchise that had one great year where it sold everything else out in order to win one title and then the leaders RAN THE FUCK AWAY TO AVOID THE STINK OF YOU. In other words, you guys are making significant progress over previous seasons.
COLORADO YETI
Your kickerback has thrown the most interceptions in the league. I wrote that two games ago and didn't even have to change it despite two other teams playing literally the worst Quarterbacked game in league history in the meantime. Your entire franchise is basically built off the back on one player, who's known best for losing out on being the best at his position anyway. Like...seriously...what has this franchise ever done right? Avoided lawsuits on your logo by technicality? Well...at least you're actually beating somebody I guess. Plus..you're on pace to easily set the record for most points given up. With luck you can take that record from.....oh....the Colorado Yeti. Now that said..credit where it's due. You beat Arizona in Arizona after a huge late game rally. You were down 30-7 and dug deep into yourselves and found your way back to victory in OT thanks in large part to the efforts of....John Wachter and Lamarcus Strike. So a sustainable performance you can build on then right? ANyway..you're probably due to go back to losing by 14+ points every single game, or as your coaches would call it "an actual description of every loss this season".
ORANGE COUNTY OTTERS
The good news is that your only loss came to the league leading undefeated San Jose Sabercats on the road. The bad news is that your comeback tour is being derailed by the fucking San Jose Sabercats. Good job. Angus Winchester retired this week. Means you'll get the chance to let him down one last time. Maybe you'll come up with some clever way to win like "throw a ton of passes to a running back". That's never been done before. You know what actually hasn't been done before though? Two QBs throwing over a hundred times and not completing 50% of their passes. Congratulations on sharing that achievement with the most likely opponent you'd face in the Ultimus. Nothing shows you're dominance like a performance so bad it reminds people you're only here because Nola's entire offense died. Looks like your near future is just gonna be the embodiment of your #1 WR's career. "Almost".
NEW ORLEANS SECOND LINE
With 6 minutes left in the game at home against the Liberty you had a 9 point lead. Guess how that ended. With the first touchdown throw by Andrea Falconi since week 7. That's how it ended. YOU DID IT CHAMPS! Blessed Storm was your leading receiver. That doesn't even require a diss. You're like when Disney does the direct to video sequel for really popular movies. Sure Simba still mostly SOUNDS like Mathew Broderick but we know its not him. That's what you are Nola. Off brand Simba. But hey...at least you're helmed by a top 3 all time QB right who's out there throwing to the great, not quite dead Paul Dimirio? Good thing you gave up all those picks to rent Crush for half a season and not win.
YELLOWKNIFE WRAITHS
How can we improve our incredibly lackluster season so that our incredibly young squad can see that there's progress being made? Let's trade a top 5 all time Cornerback. The kind of moves that win championships right there baby. At the beginning of the season pundits thought this team would be a disaster. They didn't realize the team would be so bad that it's giving Ryan Applehort flashbacks of Colorado. Sure, the team has a very bright future but the team also had a 14 point lead on the Second Line and look how that turned out. And because it's the NSFC you haven't been eliminated from playoff contention. So you're sayin' there's a...no. There's not a chance. Just like your running back getting 5 yards before the 4th quarter.
SAN JOSE SABERCATS
Well, it WAS going great. And then you let Arizona come into your stadium and beat you and now.....now you're in a fight with the Otters for home field advantage. Basically..classic Sabercats. But hey..the running backs are doing really well and the "rebuild the Cats that never won" plan seems to be going great. Same guys, different positions, two HO members. An offense that steadily gains ground and a defense that gives people mild discomfort some of the time. It's all looking like Cats 2.0 is gonna be a rousing also ran. It only took massive retirements, huge turnover, and basically the entire league looking like it's in a down year for you to really be relevant. Take a bow Cats. You've earned this eventual road loss in the playoffs in true San Jose style.
BALTIMORE HAWKS
You're the episode of Seinfeld where Kramer is in a karate class for 10 year olds. Sure..you're kicking the shit out of your entire conference. But if the last place Arizona Outlaws switched conferences with you they would be where you mare and you would be out of the playoffs. You just had the shit kicked out of you so bad that the Otters LET you score 10 points unanswered in the 4th quarter just so you'd only lose by a touchdown. You gave up 300 yards passing to a QB who couldn't even hit 50% of his passes and actually gave you the ball 3 times. You've barely beaten one team in the ASFC and that required you being at home and a last minute TD to make it look like you won convincingly. If experts could pick your team's most defining positive feature, they would watch a Second Line/Outlaw game instead.
ARIZONA OUTLAWS
Well, you had an offensive lineman get called for Offensive Pass Interference. The amount of questions that even goes into something like that happening is so incredible that I don't want them answered. Also, its was your most important win in like...5 years. You beat the Sabercats. Basically the only thing you've been good at doing since your glory days ended. Hey look. Jack Dwyer got a sack though. What a great draft pick. Anyway, this was supposed to be your breakout season and the only thing that's gonna be broken out of is your players breaking out of the prison of being Outlaws and leaving for greener pastures. Which is almsot anywhere, as anyone who's actually been to Arizona can attest. You're so useless you make music majors feel like they're accomplishing something.
OVERALL NSFL
Jesus H. Christ I haven't seen play this bad since I watched a bot team win the Ultimini. The whole league is lost without the kind of players it's been shedding for several years now. Congratulations. You've singlehandedly made EFL ratings go up. Watching the level of play this year is like watching two blind people try to lose their virginity together. Maybe we should bring back Pierno. He'd finally be able to be a top 5 QB in the league. The MVP this year should be that lineman from the Outlaws. At least he was trying.
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