SEASON 28: WHAT’S IN A NAME?
Introduction
Wow, 28 seasons already, where does the time go? It is yet again the season for me to go through as much of the Draft as I can humanly handle, and judge players based off of their names. Sometimes I’ll dig deeper and find other things to be judgmental about, but I’m going to try and keep it to just the names. If you don’t like what I have to say about your name, then blame your parents. Not everyone can be as cool as me. For those of you who really like what I say about your name, hey, pump your brakes. Your parents deserve the credit, not you. It’s not like you chose the name!
Nonetheless, Season 28 looks to have some pathetic names as well as a few cool ones. Let’s get down to business and do what we do best: Judge everyone else.
ROUND ONE
1.) Luke Quick I don’t want this article to get off to a bad start. I really don’t. But Luke Quick is not doing anyone any favors at all. The first issue here is the name Luke, gotta say that one is on or at the bottom of common biblical names on my personal list. The only thing worse than a Luke is a Lucas. Let’s be real, there’s only one Luke anyone cared about, and his name was Luke Perry. The surname Quick, for our purposes, is OK. I don’t love it. I don’t hate it as much as I hate Luke. This name is just OK. I hope for Luke Quick’s sake that his play on the field is better than his play on the name section of his birth certificate.
Rating: 2/5 Blunts
2.) Busch Goose The first two picks in this Draft have terrible names. I don’t know if this guy was named after his method of conception, or if his parents developed their taste for beer in their early 20’s and never tried anything else. At least once this guy gets released the newspapers can put out the “Busch Cut” headlines. The surname Goose? I’m not going to waste much energy on this one, it is truly an awful combination of letters and words that have left me generally confused. If this guy doesn’t make you think of either: Untrimmed pubic hair or giant nuisances with wings, then I don’t want to be affiliated with you. In the 1970’s it was fashionable to have a Busch. Not anymore.
Rating: 1/5 Blunts
3.) Anton Bruckner If I were picking the top three players based only on their names, Anton Bruckner would be the first one. It sucks for him that he’s stuck going to Orange County, but he can hopefully become a Free Agent someday and get out of that wasteland. I liked this name so much that I immediately became suspicious of it. It’s too perfect. Sure as shit, you run this guy through your favorite search engine and he isn’t the first result. The first result is an Austrian composer who kicked the bucket in 1896. You read even more about him and you find out that a certain dictator and his friends really loved his music. Now it makes sense that he ended up in Orange County. I can’t chill with dudes who are named after composers who were idolized by mean dudes. Sorry bro.
Rating: 0/5 Blunts
4.) Xavier Walls Will we finally have a choice in this draft who has a name that doesn’t suck or is connected heavily to human rights violations? Xavier Walls gives us serious promise on both of those fronts. Doing subsequent research on this name and nothing startling comes up, which indicates to me that this is our first legitimate cool name on this list. This name is so cool, it might actually be the Agent’s real name, but I can’t confirm this. Xavier is a powerful name; Walls is a safe surname that doesn’t completely ruin the vibe. What’s that? You’re telling me he’s a defensive lineman? This name is perfect. Good luck getting by the Wall[s], opposing offenses. Xavier is cool by me unless he’s trying to sack me on the field. Then he can go pound sand.
Rating: 4/5 Blunts
5.) Glenn Smart Riding the high of Xavier Walls and I’m immediately slapped in the face with the moist sausage of reality that is the next player, Glenn Smart. Can we talk first about the double N use in his first name. Why not keep it going and just name yourself Glennn or Glennnn? Where will this madness end? What is wrong with just “Glen”? With a surname like Smart, you’re setting yourself up for what could be a big time issue down the road if it turns out you’re a big time dummy or a huge bust. You can see it already. Glenn blows out both of his ACLs and doesn’t make it out of his first training camp. The headlines read “Arizona First Round Selection Not So Smart After All”. This is the reality we will live in, unless you put in some work Glenn. Good luck with that pathetic franchise in Arizona, though. How do we know you aren’t just a multi from the team owner? Not like that’s ever happened before, huh Outlaws? This name isn’t outright awful or offensive, it’s just safe.
Rating: 2/5 Blunts
6.) None Mongo My critics might be shocked, but I freakin’ love this name. This dude does not give a shit, and it shows by his name. His first name is literally “None”. He’s the Seinfeld of first names, it’s a name about nothing. This feeling does change if there are any accents over the O or E, since that would drastically change how I pronounce the name. His surname Mongo is one that should put fear into the opponents. I’m not sure how PC it is, but the name Mongo comes from Mongoloid, the people who were considered ruthless savages by ancient Chinese dynasties. You can see historical documentaries about the Mongolians from historians Trey Parker and Matt Stone on YouTube. This also reminds me of the nickname of Chicago Bears great Steve “Mongo” McMichael. Steve was about as intelligent as an Etch-A-Sketch, but boy could he play football. He was also a defensive lineman, just like None. This name is a winner.
Rating: 4/5 Blunts
7.) Juno Hu I had to read this name several times before I got the joke. His parents Pirs and Vuud loved George Carlin so they couldn’t avoid naming their child Juno Hu (You know who). This is a bold assumption that anyone knows them or their child, but I suppose a lot of people will know Juno now that he’s a big-time ISFL prospect. I’ve seen a lot of corny joke names in my day. I’ve been doing this for nearly 20 years, and I believe this is the first time I’ve ever seen someone named Juno Hu. It’s clever and doesn’t immediately jump out at you. It’s not vulgar, like Mike Hunt, so he gets points there as well. Where he doesn’t get points is the category of being a good son. Looks like he really pissed off his parents. Hope it was worth it. If it doesn’t work out, Juno Hu will be an orphan? Yu.
Rating: 3/5 Blunts
8.) Andrew Warthol I’m not an art guy. I appreciate art, I think it’s cool, but I couldn’t tell you what type of art or piece Andy Warhol is famous for without Googling it. This guy’s parents must be the biggest fan of Pop Art, or they are totally oblivious like I am. Andrew is a safe first name, but the last name Warthol just doesn’t feel right to me. It’s too close to “Wart Hole” which just makes me think even further that he’s just a gross a-hole. I like the idea here to pay homage to someone who had such a great impact on our culture and even globally, but the execution needs work. What’s even better is Warhol wasn’t even the real Warhol’s last name, so what’s stopping Andrew? Also, if you want to avoid being depressed for a few minutes, don’t read about the end of his life as I did. Hopefully this kid and bring some artistic touch to Yellowknife’s defense.
Rating: 2.5/5 Blunts
9.) Troy Abed At first glance, this name is bland and does not jump off the screen to me. This man is a Quarterback, the field general and the leader of the huddle. It’s gotta be tough to look at a guy named Troy and know he’s in charge. Upon further research, this name looks to be influenced by the popular television show “Community” – a program I have spent exactly 0 seconds of my life watching. Unfortunately for Troy, he did not find a “Community” superfan with this author, and he will feel the appropriate wrath. It is no coincidence that a guy with such a name is drafted to a team with arguably the worst name in professional sports. Troy Abed is a Fire Salamander. That’s a mouthful. Who has time to say all of those words? I respect him for being the only top pick who went to Community College, maybe he can have a son someday and name him something better.
Rating: 2/5 Blunts
10.) Dexter Hall I have to admit, the first several picks of this draft have truly horrible names. The players may or may not end up being worth it at this pick point, but goodness gracious, these names have sucked. Maybe that’s why I’m so impressed by Dexter Hall and his name. Dexter is a great football name, people think he’s a nerd—ya he’s a nerd of chasing down the quarterback. I did research on this name and I hope to Christ it is not a mashup of actor Michael C Hall and the name of his popular television show “Dexter”. I do not give this person the benefit of the doubt due to how atrocious all of these names have been so far. If this is legitimately his own name then this is a 4/5 Blunts name. If it’s the aforementioned combination, it’s easily a 1/5.
11.) Manhattan Project Now we’re cooking. Manhattan Project is an absurd name, but the fact that he attended Army is really the icing on the cake. Either this guy's parents were obsessed with a major city in New York, or they were mad scientists who loved nuclear energy. Either way, I’m going to choose to be an optimist and say that his parents really loved nuclear energy and the idea of American exceptionalism. I expect this guy to score a bunch of rushing touchdowns and if the announcers don’t say that he’s out there dropping nukes on the competition then they’re afraid of the FCC. The surname Project is weak, but Manhattan is a strong first name. Unfortunately, I don’t think that his brother Wichita is going to have the same success.
Rating: 4.5/5 Blunts
12.) Professor Godfrey Gravity What the fuck kind of name is this? Why is a Professor somehow a professional football player? Was this guy some child genius who graduated college when he was 14 and got his teaching license on the side? It looks like he doesn’t even list a college. How is this guy a Professor? What is his subject of mastery—surely not gravity, you’d have to go to an accredited institution for that. Upon further research, I guess this guy isn’t an actual educator but his parents are just cruel? That still doesn’t explain the fact that he has no college football tape whatsoever. How did this guy get taken at 12 overall? If we drop the Professor part and look at Godfrey Gravity, I love the name. I just cannot look past the fact that his first name is Professor but he didn’t attend college. Cruel parents created a cruel child, and that’s why he’s a professional football player. Maybe he can take night classes on the Big Island now that he will be in Hawaii.
Rating: 2.5/5 Blunts
13.) Cade Williams I actually like this name. There’s been a long run of aggressively poor or mismanaged names, but Cade Williams sounds pretty good to me. Further research indicates that there is another Cade Williams out there who was a WR at Texas A&M. Our version of Cade is a big ole fat assed offensive lineman, and that makes me like the name even more. He gets to go to New Orleans and get even fatter—they even have a name for it—Fat Tuesday and become a football behemoth. Williams is a classic last name that can really go well with almost anything, but especially along with Cade in this circumstance. He was homeschooled, so that makes it back-to-back picks that didn’t play in college but somehow became professional football players. Thank goodness Cade spells his name that way and not “Kade” or else he would have a negative rating on the Blunt scale.
Rating: 3.5/5 Blunts
14.) Chunt The Badger You know, it’s almost fitting that the first round of this draft ends with Chunt The Badger. I’ve never heard of such a thing in my life. This guy sounds like he should be on the sidelines as a mascot instead of on the field competing with grown men. I was so bothered by how terrible this name is that I was left with no choice but to conduct further research. I’ve found myself now more confused about this name and its origins more so than I was moments ago. I understand that this guy is named after a fictional creature who has sex with people or objects he wants to be. He’s named after a perverted chameleon badger hybrid. This guy is a disaster of a name, it’s going to take a lot of work on the field for him to overcome this abortion of a name.
Rating: 1.5/5 Blunts
15.) Romulus Roman The first pick of the 2nd Round gets us off to a good start. I don’t hate this name—well, the entire name anyway. Romulus is an obnoxious name, but Roman is one I can get behind as powerful and convincing. I can appreciate the historical shoutout to Ancient Rome, his parents must really be into that sort of thing, which is weird, but whatever floats their boat. We will be getting to his brother Remus shortly, so I don’t want to blow all my bullets with Romulus. This is a good name and if I didn’t bother researching it, I would’ve given you two credit for being creative and having a good story.
Rating: 2.5/5 Blunts
16.) Bayley Cowabunga I don’t know a lot of dudes named Bayley and honestly, I don’t want to. This is a weird name, you have to wonder what the hell this guy’s parents were thinking. Actually, what were his grandparents thinking? Cowabunga is a name that you’d change once you show up to Ellis Island. I hope to Christ this wasn’t their last name in the old country and that they just picked it when they came here because they had incredible foresight that it would become a popular phrase in American culture in the late 1980s until the mid-1990s. Bayley is a last name, I’m not sure it has any business at all being a first name. The good part about this name, no matter how ridiculous it sounds—it is a good name for a WR. Now if he ever scores a touchdown the announcer can reference the Cowabunga thing until they run the joke into the ground.
Rating: 1.5/5 Blunts
17.) Bender Rodriguez If there was ever a name that embodied the meme of Squidward working the register at the Krusty Krab saying something along the lines of “Daring today, aren’t we?” it would be Bender Rodriguez. I feel like there’s a Bender Rodriguez in every single league I’ve been a part of in the past decade or so, and I hate it every single time. Futurama sucks and so does this name. The only good part about Futurama is Katey Segal. Would’ve been better off naming this guy Al Bundy.
Rating: .5/5 Blunts
18.) Stumpy Jones This is a guy who has a name that reflects the position he plays on the field. Stumpy fuckin’ Jones. I like to pretend that his name is Stumpy because he grinds his opponents into dust and all that remains is a stump. Jones is a classic last name that really accentuates a powerful first name, and it works here. Stumpy Jones most likely grew up being made fun of in school for being a fat piece of trash, but eventually, he hit his growth spurt and began stuffing nerds into lockers. Jones will go to Sarasota and have a chance to be an anchor on a great offense. When he pancakes a defender, they just got STUMPED.
Rating: 4.5/5 Blunts
19.) Dexter Zaylen The last name Zaylen sounds like a scary futuristic version of the name Kayden. Be careful, do not let white women who sell HerbaLife get a hold of this name. I’ve mentioned before how much I really like the name Dexter, and that remains true for Mr. Zaylen. As I understand it, Zaylen was a mild-mannered kid until he turned 5 years old and first attended pre-school. Dexter was an only child, so before school, the world revolved around him. Fast forward to the first day of pre-school. It’s time to take attendance, and guess who’s name wasn’t called first? Or second? How about who’s name was called dead last? That’s right, it was Dexter. From this point forward he hated his teachers, hated school, and hated his classmates. His hatred of people and nice things was the driving force behind him choosing to attend college in the state of Maine. Only a certified lunatic would willingly reside in Maine, and Zaylen has the receipts.
Rating: 4/5 Blunts
20.) Remus Roman We talked about his brother, Romulus, just a few picks prior to this, but Remus is used to his brother over-shadowing him. It’s been going on ever since he was the first twin to exit their mother’s vaginal cavity. Remus came in 2nd on that day and he’s been playing catch-up ever since, trying to outshine his brother. This will have to continue to be put on hold, as he yet again failed to be selected before his brother. Instead of nature, this time football teams made the choice to take Romulus first. Remus is a goofier first name than his brother, but he only needs to violently break a tackle or two before you take him seriously on the field.
Rating: 2/5 Blunts, slightly worse than his brother—as usual.
SUMMARY
I think I’ve had about all I can handle with the top 20 picks for this season’s draft being judged by their name. I must admit, I was disappointed with the first 20 picks in this draft based on name strength. There was no name that really stood out and knocked it out of the park. Could this draft have some sneaky good names in there taken later on? Certainly, but there’s no way I can possibly handle looking at more names considering how terrible they’ve been up until this point. Sure, not everyone can be blessed like me with a God-given tremendous name, but I hope that the top picks in next year’s draft come at things a little better than this group did. I expected a lot more from these guys, and I know that they will disappoint me greatly. Best of luck to everyone, and remember, it’s just a name.
WR- JAMAL SLICK JR.
"THE NEW ERA"
MR 8X ULTIMUS CHAMPION
QB Mike Boss - HOF
TE Johnny Blaze - HOF
QB Mike Boss Jr
WR Johnny Blaze Jr
QB Mike Boss - HOF
TE Johnny Blaze - HOF
QB Mike Boss Jr
WR Johnny Blaze Jr
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