It’s that time again everyone. The draft is complete. Training camps are finished. Rookies have been hazed and the veterans have already stopped giving a crap. That’s right. It’s time for the 24th season of the Developmental Simulation Football League.
Season 24 started off with a Reddit recruitment post that saw newcomers join the league in droves. By my count, this newest DSFL class had somewhere between 20 and 4,000 new players (I’m what you call a statistician). With such a plethora of new, talented, and active players to choose from, all of the teams of the DSFL looked to both supplement their rosters and fill any holes left from NSFL call-ups.
After all of the hard work of the off-season, every team will be heading into Season 24 with a glint of hope in their eyes. For some, that hope is to continue their history of dominance. For others, it’s the dream of recapturing past glory. Unfortunately for most of them, the hard reality is that only one team will stand above the rest and hoist that championship trophy at the end of Season 24. Lucky for you, reader, I can save you wasting time worrying about who it will be. I already know.
The Season 24 DSFL Champions will be the Tijuana Luchadores.
Reason #1 – The Luchadores roster is STACKED
With only two departures, the Luchadores return the majority of their 6-8 squad from a season ago. While 6-8 might not be an outstanding record, the team played competitively in almost all of their games, with only 5 of their 8 losses being by more than one score. While the departures of QB Ben Slothlisberger and CB Bane Ka’ana’ana to their respective NSFL squads will be felt, the Luchadores are returning a ton of talents.
At the top of the list is defending DSFL rushing champion Crowbar Theeks. Theeks was nothing short of amazing last season, as he racked up an astounding 1592 yards on the ground, which led the league by over 300(!!!!) yards, as well as an also-league-leading 11 touchdowns to boot.
In addition to returning the league’s leading rusher, Tijuana is also bringing back the top two receiving yardage leaders from a season ago, WR’s Doug Howlett and Friedrich Vequain. These two combined for almost 2,000 yards and 10 touchdowns in Season 23, and are looking to improve on those numbers in Season 24. The loss of their starting QB Slothlisberger will hurt, but I’m told that the team believes fully in the abilities of their new starter, Mike Boss, Jr.
On the defensive side of the ball, the Luchadores did lose their best playmaker in the aforementioned Ka’ana’ana, but to be returning 10 out of 11 starters from a young defense that began to gel down the stretch will go a long way.
Reason #2 – They absolutely dominated the Season 24 Draft
Heading into this season’s draft, the front office down in Tijuana had three goals in mind:
As stated, their top goal heading into this draft was to fill some massive holes on the defensive side of the ball, and they did just that, picking top prospects at multiple positions, none more celebrated than their first pick, Safety NationalSimulation FootballLeague. FootballLeague is expected to slot into the second starting safety spot next to established safety Maverick Bowie, and will bring some centerfield playmaking ability that the team lost with the departure of Ka’ana’ana.
Speaking of their cornerbacks, Tijuana found his hopeful replacement with their second-round pick Rich Triplet, who was viewed by some as the best CB prospect in the entire draft. The Luchadores hope that NSFL and Triplet, as well as the other newcomers to the secondary, Breezy Wallace and Mason Gillion will bring some stability to a pass defense that was in the bottom half of the DSFL a season ago.
While secondary help was definitely needed, where Tijuana was most lacking on defense before was in the front seven, namely in the pass rush, where they ended the season with only 24 sacks, finishing second-to-last in that category. For a 3-4 team, to be anywhere but at the top of the sacks list is insulting, which is why the Luchadores spent six of their draft picks on the defensive front, by bringing in a number of pass rushers, none of which more regarded than their fourth and fifth round picks DE Tex Wrecks and LB Terry Tate. These two are expected to bring some much-needed help to the Luchadores’ pass rush in Season 24.
In the sixth round, Tijuana was able to pick up what is being considered as some as one of the top steals of the draft, big boy Nose Tackle Vance Slattery. At over 300 pounds, Slattery hopes to plug up the middle of the defense to allow the playmakers behind him do what they do best. He may not show up on the stat sheet often, but in a 3-4 defense the impact as strong nose tackle can bring is unparalleled.
While the defense was priority number one in the draft, the Luchadores were still able to bring in some great pieces to supplement their already prolific offense. Theeks will be joined in the backfield this season by third round pick RB Bronko Mills. The son of former NSFL player Brian Mills, Bronko is a mountain of a man at 6’4 and 245 pounds. I fully expect to see Mills wearing down defenses with his punishing brand of running. If you thought this team’s rushing attack was dangerous in Season 23, just wait until you get a load of them this year.
You know what helps out a running game? A fantastic offensive line. As mentioned, Tijuana is bringing back Icebox Riposte, who last year was the anchor of the line. The addition of thick lads Adam Melliott and Kentdavion Davis will bolster an already impressive unit, and will let the skill position players shine.
Speaking of skill position players, who can forget the pass catchers? As previously mentioned, the Luchadores already had two prolific receivers on their roster, and they brought in even more firepower in the draft, bringing in WRs Mark Walker and Scott Matro, as well as TE’s Jake Woodhead and Colt Reinhorn.
Reason #3 – Their Namesake would beat up every other team’s in a fight
Time for a truth bomb – Luchadores are freaking awesome. What team name and mascot lines up more perfectly with big, sweaty men hitting each other in fierce competition than masked, big, sweaty, oily men grapping and smacking each other around in a ring? The Luchador is the perfect icon to represent a football team.
A common way people fill out March Madness brackets is to pick who would win in a fight. Using that logic alone, the Luchadores would never lose a game ever again. Let’s look at their competition:
Minnesota Grey Ducks – What is this? Is this a joke? A grey duck is nothing more than in improper way to refer to a goose. Our macho wrestler would take that grey duck and choke slam him and then get the count of 1-2-3 by simply standing on his chest. Next.
Dallas Birddogs – Now, let me put this out there: I love dogs. They’re amazing animals. What they aren’t, however, is intimidating. Dogs are cute, and cuddly, and loyal, and can be fierce protectors. What they can’t do, however, is defend themselves against a moonsault from the top rope.
Portland Pythons – A snake? Really? Remember Jake the Snake Roberts? Yeah, our Luchador would do the same thing to this cute little guy – subjugate him and turn him into a fashion accessory.
Norfolk Seawolves – According to my extensive research via the Google-machine, I have come to learn that a Seawolf is a class of naval submarine. Submarines are pretty tough, but, one thing they lack is the ability to effectively move around the squared circle. One heavy chest slap to the hull should be enough to sink this ship.
London Royals – The Royals are symbolized by the Matriarch of the British Isles, Queen Elizabeth II. No disrespect to her Excellency, but I don’t see how a woman in her 90’s can compete with a roided-out muscle man hell bent on her demise. One quick power bomb and the nonagenarian will be down for the count.
Kansas City Coyotes – Ah, finally, a real challenge. Coyotes are fierce pack animals that hunt and kill, well, smaller prey such as rabbits and small dogs. You know what a coyote can’t hunt? A 250 pound man made of steel. Hell, bring your whole gang along Mr. Coyote. We’ll have a royal rumble and our beefy boy will toss all of you out on your asses.
Myrtle Beach Buccaneers – A Buccaneer as you all know is a fancy name for a pirate. Pirates may have terrorized the high seas hundreds of years ago, but they’ve got nothing on a muscle-bound manly man. Sure, a pirate will probably carry with them their trust sabre and flintlock pistol; but, neither of those weapons will help them stand up to a metal folding chair to the dome.
Well, there you have it folks, an in-depth and scientifically-backed analysis of why the Tijuana Luchadores will be your Season 24 DSFL Champions.
My final predictions:
Record: 12-2
Offensive Ranks: Scoring #1 | Total Yards #1 | Rushing Yards #1 (I’m projecting a modest 3,000 combined yards for Mills and Theeks) | Passing Yards #3
Defensive Ranks: Scoring #1 | Yards #1 | Rush Yds #1 | Pass Yds #1
Total Team Sacks: 52 (#1) | Turnover Differential: +19 (#1)
Season 24 started off with a Reddit recruitment post that saw newcomers join the league in droves. By my count, this newest DSFL class had somewhere between 20 and 4,000 new players (I’m what you call a statistician). With such a plethora of new, talented, and active players to choose from, all of the teams of the DSFL looked to both supplement their rosters and fill any holes left from NSFL call-ups.
After all of the hard work of the off-season, every team will be heading into Season 24 with a glint of hope in their eyes. For some, that hope is to continue their history of dominance. For others, it’s the dream of recapturing past glory. Unfortunately for most of them, the hard reality is that only one team will stand above the rest and hoist that championship trophy at the end of Season 24. Lucky for you, reader, I can save you wasting time worrying about who it will be. I already know.
The Season 24 DSFL Champions will be the Tijuana Luchadores.
Reason #1 – The Luchadores roster is STACKED
With only two departures, the Luchadores return the majority of their 6-8 squad from a season ago. While 6-8 might not be an outstanding record, the team played competitively in almost all of their games, with only 5 of their 8 losses being by more than one score. While the departures of QB Ben Slothlisberger and CB Bane Ka’ana’ana to their respective NSFL squads will be felt, the Luchadores are returning a ton of talents.
At the top of the list is defending DSFL rushing champion Crowbar Theeks. Theeks was nothing short of amazing last season, as he racked up an astounding 1592 yards on the ground, which led the league by over 300(!!!!) yards, as well as an also-league-leading 11 touchdowns to boot.
In addition to returning the league’s leading rusher, Tijuana is also bringing back the top two receiving yardage leaders from a season ago, WR’s Doug Howlett and Friedrich Vequain. These two combined for almost 2,000 yards and 10 touchdowns in Season 23, and are looking to improve on those numbers in Season 24. The loss of their starting QB Slothlisberger will hurt, but I’m told that the team believes fully in the abilities of their new starter, Mike Boss, Jr.
On the defensive side of the ball, the Luchadores did lose their best playmaker in the aforementioned Ka’ana’ana, but to be returning 10 out of 11 starters from a young defense that began to gel down the stretch will go a long way.
Reason #2 – They absolutely dominated the Season 24 Draft
Heading into this season’s draft, the front office down in Tijuana had three goals in mind:
- Add playmakers to a league-worst defense
- Bring in more help on offense to take the load off of Theeks and their young QB, Boss, Jr.
- Solidify their offensive line next to stud lineman Icebox Riposte
As stated, their top goal heading into this draft was to fill some massive holes on the defensive side of the ball, and they did just that, picking top prospects at multiple positions, none more celebrated than their first pick, Safety NationalSimulation FootballLeague. FootballLeague is expected to slot into the second starting safety spot next to established safety Maverick Bowie, and will bring some centerfield playmaking ability that the team lost with the departure of Ka’ana’ana.
Speaking of their cornerbacks, Tijuana found his hopeful replacement with their second-round pick Rich Triplet, who was viewed by some as the best CB prospect in the entire draft. The Luchadores hope that NSFL and Triplet, as well as the other newcomers to the secondary, Breezy Wallace and Mason Gillion will bring some stability to a pass defense that was in the bottom half of the DSFL a season ago.
While secondary help was definitely needed, where Tijuana was most lacking on defense before was in the front seven, namely in the pass rush, where they ended the season with only 24 sacks, finishing second-to-last in that category. For a 3-4 team, to be anywhere but at the top of the sacks list is insulting, which is why the Luchadores spent six of their draft picks on the defensive front, by bringing in a number of pass rushers, none of which more regarded than their fourth and fifth round picks DE Tex Wrecks and LB Terry Tate. These two are expected to bring some much-needed help to the Luchadores’ pass rush in Season 24.
In the sixth round, Tijuana was able to pick up what is being considered as some as one of the top steals of the draft, big boy Nose Tackle Vance Slattery. At over 300 pounds, Slattery hopes to plug up the middle of the defense to allow the playmakers behind him do what they do best. He may not show up on the stat sheet often, but in a 3-4 defense the impact as strong nose tackle can bring is unparalleled.
While the defense was priority number one in the draft, the Luchadores were still able to bring in some great pieces to supplement their already prolific offense. Theeks will be joined in the backfield this season by third round pick RB Bronko Mills. The son of former NSFL player Brian Mills, Bronko is a mountain of a man at 6’4 and 245 pounds. I fully expect to see Mills wearing down defenses with his punishing brand of running. If you thought this team’s rushing attack was dangerous in Season 23, just wait until you get a load of them this year.
You know what helps out a running game? A fantastic offensive line. As mentioned, Tijuana is bringing back Icebox Riposte, who last year was the anchor of the line. The addition of thick lads Adam Melliott and Kentdavion Davis will bolster an already impressive unit, and will let the skill position players shine.
Speaking of skill position players, who can forget the pass catchers? As previously mentioned, the Luchadores already had two prolific receivers on their roster, and they brought in even more firepower in the draft, bringing in WRs Mark Walker and Scott Matro, as well as TE’s Jake Woodhead and Colt Reinhorn.
Reason #3 – Their Namesake would beat up every other team’s in a fight
Time for a truth bomb – Luchadores are freaking awesome. What team name and mascot lines up more perfectly with big, sweaty men hitting each other in fierce competition than masked, big, sweaty, oily men grapping and smacking each other around in a ring? The Luchador is the perfect icon to represent a football team.
A common way people fill out March Madness brackets is to pick who would win in a fight. Using that logic alone, the Luchadores would never lose a game ever again. Let’s look at their competition:
Minnesota Grey Ducks – What is this? Is this a joke? A grey duck is nothing more than in improper way to refer to a goose. Our macho wrestler would take that grey duck and choke slam him and then get the count of 1-2-3 by simply standing on his chest. Next.
Dallas Birddogs – Now, let me put this out there: I love dogs. They’re amazing animals. What they aren’t, however, is intimidating. Dogs are cute, and cuddly, and loyal, and can be fierce protectors. What they can’t do, however, is defend themselves against a moonsault from the top rope.
Portland Pythons – A snake? Really? Remember Jake the Snake Roberts? Yeah, our Luchador would do the same thing to this cute little guy – subjugate him and turn him into a fashion accessory.
Norfolk Seawolves – According to my extensive research via the Google-machine, I have come to learn that a Seawolf is a class of naval submarine. Submarines are pretty tough, but, one thing they lack is the ability to effectively move around the squared circle. One heavy chest slap to the hull should be enough to sink this ship.
London Royals – The Royals are symbolized by the Matriarch of the British Isles, Queen Elizabeth II. No disrespect to her Excellency, but I don’t see how a woman in her 90’s can compete with a roided-out muscle man hell bent on her demise. One quick power bomb and the nonagenarian will be down for the count.
Kansas City Coyotes – Ah, finally, a real challenge. Coyotes are fierce pack animals that hunt and kill, well, smaller prey such as rabbits and small dogs. You know what a coyote can’t hunt? A 250 pound man made of steel. Hell, bring your whole gang along Mr. Coyote. We’ll have a royal rumble and our beefy boy will toss all of you out on your asses.
Myrtle Beach Buccaneers – A Buccaneer as you all know is a fancy name for a pirate. Pirates may have terrorized the high seas hundreds of years ago, but they’ve got nothing on a muscle-bound manly man. Sure, a pirate will probably carry with them their trust sabre and flintlock pistol; but, neither of those weapons will help them stand up to a metal folding chair to the dome.
Well, there you have it folks, an in-depth and scientifically-backed analysis of why the Tijuana Luchadores will be your Season 24 DSFL Champions.
My final predictions:
Record: 12-2
Offensive Ranks: Scoring #1 | Total Yards #1 | Rushing Yards #1 (I’m projecting a modest 3,000 combined yards for Mills and Theeks) | Passing Yards #3
Defensive Ranks: Scoring #1 | Yards #1 | Rush Yds #1 | Pass Yds #1
Total Team Sacks: 52 (#1) | Turnover Differential: +19 (#1)
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