The Worst DSFL Mock Draft Ever
Gather around boys and girls for I have the most bat shit insane mock draft you’ll see in the league. The method to my madness goes as follows. Step 1 - Gather a list of all of you whippersnappers. Step 2 - Throw all of your names into a list randomizer. Step 3 - Profit from the nonsensical reasoning I’m about to give for these picks and why the all of the DSFL teams are going to implode their rosters. So without further ado, let’s get down to business.
P.S I don’t know how many rounds I’m gonna get through so don’t expect the entire draft. I’m not a maniac like Katarn22
P.S.S If a stat isn’t at 70 or above I don’t care about them and they don’t count.
Round 1
Pick 1 - Portland Pythons - Rich Triplet CB
Archetype: Zone Corner
Height: 6’2”
Weight: 195 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 80
GOAT TANK? Never heard of ‘em. My man Rich Triplet is a very good corner with high speed giving him the ability to cover large parts of the field quickly. Portland already has two CB’s but what's the harm in adding a third, right? Who knows, maybe one of their corners gets a season ending injury or is “forced” to retire. Anyway this boy is the number one pick and no one can tell me otherwise.
Pick 2 - Minnesota Grey Ducks - Jackie Daytona QB
Archetype: Game Manager
Height: 6’4”
Weight: 230 lbs.
Best Stats: Arm 70, Intelligence 70, Throwing Accuracy 70
Jackie Daytona, what a name am I right? It just oozes confidence and this boy Jackie is gonna show the world what he is made of. At 6’4 and 230 pounds he is a tank of a man. The Grey Ducks are gonna have a quarterback controversy on their hands and they can’t do anything about it because my predictions wont be wrong. Their current quarterback Snowbow better start sweating because he might lose his job to this rook.
Pick 3 - Myrtle Beach Buccaneers - Henry Grant DE
Archetype: Balanced
Height: 6’4”
Weight: 285 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 72, Strength 70, Endurance 70
A very solid all around defensive end. Mr. Grant would probably see some play in a rotation but as the 3rd overall pick I suspect the Bucs have some sort of insider information that no one else has their hands on. Perhaps Mr.Grant has some sort of cybernetic enhancements that are undetectable and once he is on the field he will tear everyone a new asshole. We’ll just have to wait and see I guess.
Pick 4 - Tijuana Luchadores - Steven Wadham S
Archetype: Playmaker
Height: 5’11”
Weight: 205 lbs.
Best Stats: Agility 70
So uh, yeah. I have no analysis as to why the Luchadores would draft a safety as they already have that position filled. Wadham has some decent stats and maybe he’ll put in monstrous work and replace a current starter. Who knows. In the end the Luchadores got their man I guess.
Pick 5 - London Royals - Daniel Bateman LB
Archetype: Balanced
Height: 6’2”
Weight: 240 lbs.
Best Stats: Strength 70, Tackling 70, Speed 70, Endurance 70
I’m not surprised with this pick as Sylphreni is the GM of this team. That is all.
Pick 6 - Dallas Birddogs - Chad Thunder LB
Archetype: Balanced
Height: 6’5”
Weight: 250 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 70, Tackling 70, Endurance 70
I’m not even looking at this guy's stats as his name is all you have to look at. Mr.Chad is a future hall of famer and Dallas is going to look back on this decision fondly. Best pick in the entire draft easily. Pats on the back all around for the management team.
Pick 7 - Kansas City Coyotes - Curtis Blackshear CB
Archetype: Man to Man
Height: 6’1”
Weight: 203 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 80, Agility 70,
At first glance you would notice that the Coyotes already have 3 cornerbacks on their roster. But being the analytical genius that I am I noticed that Blackshear is already faster than one of their cornerbacks, J. Pazos and we all know that the faster you are the better. So, I guess Pazos is out of a job. Sorry man, good luck in free agency.
Pick 8 - Norfolk Seawolves - Jake Woodhead TE
Archetype: Possession
Height: 6’3”
Weight: 255 lbs.
Best Stats:
I mean he’s big, right? If this was the WWE Vince McMahon would be drooling over this specimen. Unfortunately this is a different sport but maybe after his storied Seawolf career he will become a professional wrestler. Only time will tell.
Round 2
Pick 1 - Portland Pythons - Cleg Manclaw TE
Archetype: Blocking
Height: 6’5”
Weight: 260 lbs.
Best Stats:
A blocking tight end? This early in the draft? The Portland pythons must need a lot of help blocking and for some reason don’t want any offensive lineman. This boy is almost built like a lineman but is also able to catch so I guess that is what they are going for. Their tight ends are currently bots so he is better than that I would hope.
Pick 2 - Minnesota Grey Ducks - Owen Isaac DE
Archetype: Power Rusher
Height: 6’5”
Weight: 290 lbs.
Best Stats: Strength 72, Speed 70,
After drafting the first quarterback in the draft, these Grey Ducks have their eyes set on a defensive end for some reason. They already have two ends with better stats. This is only speculation of course but maybe the team is having some internal conflicts and they plan on giving one of their current defensive ends the boot. He’s got decent stats and eventually he could have an impact.
Pick 3 - Myrtle Beach Buccaneers - Matty Martinsson LB
Archetype: Balanced
Height: 6’3”
Weight: 238 lbs.
Best Stats: Tackling 70, Speed 70, Endurance 70
Word on the street is that the Buccaneers are sick and tired of their linebackers Mouseman and Woods because they apparently put ketchup on their steaks and the team is sick and tired of putting up with such shenanigans. They add more to their defense with Matty who absolutely doesn’t put ketchup on steaks.
Pick 4 - Tijuana Luchadores - James Gath, CB
Archetype: Man to Man
Height: 5’11”
Weight: 198 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 81, Agility 70,
Okay so uh, the randomizer is not wrong and I will provide a screenshot below as verification because this is the same pick as some other mock drafts and I am as astounded as anyone else reading this. I laughed for a solid few minutes in amazement. Anyway James Gath is a great cornerback who puts good effort into his play. Great pick for the Luchadores and again this was all RNG lol.
Pick 5 - London Royals - Jake Fencik K/P
Archetype: Balanced
Height: 5’8”
Weight: 165 lbs.
Best Stats: Kick Accuracy 80, Kick Power 75,
2 for 2 on the great picks Sylphreni, keep it up buddy.
Pick 6 - Dallas Birddogs - Rusty Rucker LB
Archetype: Balanced
Height: 6’2”
Weight: 235 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 80, Tackling 70
With the Birddogs losing their star player Domine, they need to fill his spot with someone and Rusty Rucker is a dank ass linebacker who will fill the role Domine left behind and I will predict that he will be even better than Domine. My predictions don’t lie so good job on the pick Dallas you deserve it. Maybe you’ll win the title next season.
Pick 7 - Kansas City Coyotes - Bobby Hoffman DE
Archetype: Power Rusher
Height: 6’5”
Weight: 300 lbs.
Best Stats: Strength 73, Speed 73, Endurance 70
Hoffman is a very good defensive end and is putting the work in to be a top player in the league but the Coyotes already have two defensive ends on their team so I have no idea what the hell is going on here. Perhaps they are creating a new defensive scheme utilizing three defensive ends at the same time. If so that will make or break their season and their coaches career so good luck boys!
Pick 8 - Norfolk Seawolves - Frankie Lantz RB
Archetype: Speed Back
Height: 5’10”
Weight: 200 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 80, Endurance 70
Heyyy the first running back is off the board amazing! Frankie is as quick as whip and good endurance. The only problem is that Norfolk has three other running backs currently on the roster. I sense that the management is going to throw them all into a free for all deathmatch and the last man standing gets the starting position. Good luck to you all and don’t forget to play dirty!
Round 3
Pick 1 - Portland Pythons - Uncle Rico QB
Player Archetype: Pocket Passer
Height: 6'6"
Weight: 220lbs
Best Stats: Arm 70, Intelligence 70, Throwing Accuracy 70
The second quarterback comes off the board and I’m pretty sure the pythons management haven’t been paying attention because Uncle Rico bowed out a few weeks ago and retired. So they use their third round draft pick on absolutely nothing. Maybe someday he will return and light up the league. Godspeed Uncle.
Pick 2 - Minnesota Grey Ducks - Albert Ruschmann DE
Archetype: Balanced
Height: 6’4”
Weight: 275 lbs.
Best Stats: Strength 70, Speed 70, Endurance 70
Seems like the Grey Ducks really have a hankering for defensive ends as they pick their second one back to back. I think the Ducks realized they passed up on a better defensive end and are making up for it by using a second pick on the player that they actually want. Ruschmann is a wicked sick end and I hear he is also really good at mock drafts so look out for a media career for him when he retires.
Pick 3 - Myrtle Beach Buccaneers - Tayshawn Crunk S
Archetype: Center Fielder
Height: 6’1”
Weight: 195 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 84, Endurance 70, Agility 70
Speed demon Crunk flying out of the draft with a top speed of 84. Almost fast enough to go back to the future he will surely have an impact for the Bucs as they currently only have bots at strong safety. The Bucs walk away happy and Crunk, well, gets his crunk on at the after party.
Pick 4 - Tijuana Luchadores - Flap N’Chick TE
Archetype: Balanced
Height: 6’4”
Weight: 259 lbs.
Best Stats: Endurance 70
The Luchadores must have hired Bill Belichick as their head coach as they are amassing as many tight ends as possible to run some sort of all tight end scheme. Flap will fit in nicely with this supposed scheme and everyone better be on the lookout and get their defensive schemes on point.
Pick 5 - London Royals - Ben Anabender CB
Archetype: Zone
Height: 6’3”
Weight: 170 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 75
I know Ben doesn’t have the best stats around. He is at least pretty fast and that can be improved upon but I know the real reason Ben is being drafted this high. If we take a look at his last name we can see something intriguing do we not? He has the word bender in his last name. Which can only mean that yes, the Royals are actually drafting Bender from Futurama. Good luck deal with that alcoholic mess Royals, you’re gonna have your hands full with him.
Pick 6 - Dallas Birddogs - Sterling Moss OL
Archetype: Athletic Lineman
Height: 6’6”
Weight: 320 lbs.
Best Stats: Strength 75, Pass Blocking 70, Run Blocking 70
The Birddogs are hosting a pancake eating contest and the top 4 lineman will earn the starting spots for the team and Sterling Moss is a 5 time pancake eating champion and will surely make the starting roster. The boy can eat and he’s going to eat his competition, especially one of the Birddogs tackles Mr. Donuts.
Pick 7 - Kansas City Coyotes - Sam Roes DE
Archetype: Balanced
Height: 6’4”
Weight: 281 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 74, Strength 70
Sam Roes is a lean mean killing machine and he earns this pick as earlier in the year he saved the Coyotes GM daughter from a group of London Royal thugs. Apparently he is a well trained marksman and a black belt in karate. On and off the field Sam is going to dominate. Better watch out as I label this my #BESTPICK of the draft. He will literally murder the competition.
Pick 8 - Norfolk Seawolves - Darren Pama TE
Archetype: Balanced
Height: 6’5”
Weight: 245 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 77
The Seawolves add a second tight end to their team seemingly copying the strategy of Luchadores mid draft. I gotta say these coordinators are becoming more and more copycats these days. Darren is an awesome tight end and I wish him all the best in this wacky wild world of professional sports.
Round 4
Pick 1 - Portland Pythons - Adam Mellott OL
Archetype: Pass Blocker
Height: 6’5”
Weight: 330 lbs.
Best Stats: Strength 75, Pass Blocking 75, Run Blocking 70
The Pythons have a buttload of lineman bots so adding some real skin to their team is always good even though they might be better than Adam right now. I have a personal stance that bots don’t belong in the league and they are TAKIN OUR JERBS!
Pick 2 - Minnesota Grey Ducks - Alexander Johnson WR
Archetype: Speed Receiver
Height: 5’9”
Weight: 175 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 80
I can’t believe it. Finally a wide receiver has been picked in the draft and it’s no hands all speed Alexander Johnson. This boy can run and the Grey Ducks will utilize his speed by telling him to “go long” on every single play until one day he is wide open and drops the ball causing mass rioting as the Grey Ducks lose in the playoffs because of it.
Pick 3 - Myrtle Beach Buccaneers - Marc Hamel OL
Archetype: Technician
Height: 6’3”
Weight: 340 lbs.
Best Stats: Strength 75, Pass Blocking 70, Run Blocking 70
It’s always good to draft lineman as you can never have enough and who better than Marc Hamel of Star Wars and Joker fame. He is both a jedi master and an absolute maniac and probably unhinged. I wouldn’t want to line up against this man on the defense that is for sure. The Bucs are coming for that title with this pick.
Pick 4 - Tijuana Luchadores - Terry Tate LB
Archetype: Speed Rusher
Height: 6’5”
Weight: 255 lbs.
Best Stats: Strength 70, Speed 70
According to my quick search the Luchadores already have...um.. Lemme double check..six linebackers and are adding a seventh apparently. It seems like the Luchadores are building a linebacker army to take over the entire DSFL. We need another team to step up and start building their own army to hold these monsters off from destroying us all. God helps us.
Pick 5 - London Royals - Guy Fields LB
Archetype: Coverage
Height: 6’2”
Weight: 223 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 75, Endurance 70
The Royals take another linebacker off the board and continue to amass big boys on defense. Mr. Guy is a big body and also has the speed to make good coverage. My brain is starting to fry as I am typing this all up and therefore declare this as my #ULTRABESTPICK. Good job Syl on having the best pick in the draft. I don’t know why I doubted you earlier.
Pick 6 - Dallas Birddogs - Connor Quigley OL
Archetype: Run Blocker
Height: 6’4”
Weight: 340 lbs.
Best Stats: Run Blocking 75, Strength 72
Now this is a head scratcher as Dallas takes Connor Quigley, a moderately skilled offensive lineman but hasn’t been seen around the league in several weeks. One can only hope that he is safe wherever he may be. If I were to guess he was found by the Russian mob and had to flee the country. Connor if you are reading this Ты не можешь прятаться вечно.
Pick 7 - Kansas City Coyotes - Buster Bawlls RB/FB
Archetype: Blocking Back
Height: 6’2”
Weight: 250 lbs.
Best Stats: Strength 70, Endurance 70
The one and only Buster Bawlls is my #CERTIFIEDLOCK of the draft being the only player with BAWLLS to play the fullback position. The Coyotes get a solid player but an even better stand up person in Buster. The only problem I envision Buster having is trying to fit a cup around his massive balls.
Pick 8 - Norfolk Seawolves - Regius Goliathus LB
Height: 6’5”
Weight: 255 lbs.
Best Stats:
I mean, with a name like that he has to be a pretty big dude right? At 6’5 all I can see is Mr.Goliath knocking down almost any pass thrown his way. He also sounds like he comes from Greek mythology so perhaps he can harness the power of the gods and blow everyone away with his godly skills. Probably not but we can dream, right?
Round 5
Pick 1 - Portland Pythons - Mark Walker WR
Archetype: Route Runner
Height: 5’11”
Weight: 185 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 76, Agility 70
Oh boy another wide receiver off the board and Mark Walker is about as bland stats wise as his name. He’ll be serviceable to the Pythons probably.
Pick 2 - Minnesota Grey Ducks - Mark Callous WR
Archetype: Possession Receiver
Height: 6’2”
Weight: 210 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 78, Endurance 70, Hands 70, Agility 70
Alright boys here we go, the absolute best pick in the draft. The Grey Ducks are going to win every game until Mark moves on to the ISFL. Mean Mark will show up big time for the Ducks and show everyone how big the chip on his shoulder is as he decimates the competition.
So luckily the randomizer put me decently early so I don’t have to go through the entire draft as again I’m not some media fiend like some of you on here.This is the perfect mock analysis and I guarantee it will be 100% accurate. Also anyone who hasn’t shown up on this mock draft unfortunately you didn’t make the cut. Good luck next year!
Here is a screenshot of the list order of the players drafted as verification. Don't blame me blame technology.
![[Image: ZuP2zHC.png]](https://i.imgur.com/ZuP2zHC.png)
Gather around boys and girls for I have the most bat shit insane mock draft you’ll see in the league. The method to my madness goes as follows. Step 1 - Gather a list of all of you whippersnappers. Step 2 - Throw all of your names into a list randomizer. Step 3 - Profit from the nonsensical reasoning I’m about to give for these picks and why the all of the DSFL teams are going to implode their rosters. So without further ado, let’s get down to business.
P.S I don’t know how many rounds I’m gonna get through so don’t expect the entire draft. I’m not a maniac like Katarn22
P.S.S If a stat isn’t at 70 or above I don’t care about them and they don’t count.
Round 1
Pick 1 - Portland Pythons - Rich Triplet CB
Archetype: Zone Corner
Height: 6’2”
Weight: 195 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 80
GOAT TANK? Never heard of ‘em. My man Rich Triplet is a very good corner with high speed giving him the ability to cover large parts of the field quickly. Portland already has two CB’s but what's the harm in adding a third, right? Who knows, maybe one of their corners gets a season ending injury or is “forced” to retire. Anyway this boy is the number one pick and no one can tell me otherwise.
Pick 2 - Minnesota Grey Ducks - Jackie Daytona QB
Archetype: Game Manager
Height: 6’4”
Weight: 230 lbs.
Best Stats: Arm 70, Intelligence 70, Throwing Accuracy 70
Jackie Daytona, what a name am I right? It just oozes confidence and this boy Jackie is gonna show the world what he is made of. At 6’4 and 230 pounds he is a tank of a man. The Grey Ducks are gonna have a quarterback controversy on their hands and they can’t do anything about it because my predictions wont be wrong. Their current quarterback Snowbow better start sweating because he might lose his job to this rook.
Pick 3 - Myrtle Beach Buccaneers - Henry Grant DE
Archetype: Balanced
Height: 6’4”
Weight: 285 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 72, Strength 70, Endurance 70
A very solid all around defensive end. Mr. Grant would probably see some play in a rotation but as the 3rd overall pick I suspect the Bucs have some sort of insider information that no one else has their hands on. Perhaps Mr.Grant has some sort of cybernetic enhancements that are undetectable and once he is on the field he will tear everyone a new asshole. We’ll just have to wait and see I guess.
Pick 4 - Tijuana Luchadores - Steven Wadham S
Archetype: Playmaker
Height: 5’11”
Weight: 205 lbs.
Best Stats: Agility 70
So uh, yeah. I have no analysis as to why the Luchadores would draft a safety as they already have that position filled. Wadham has some decent stats and maybe he’ll put in monstrous work and replace a current starter. Who knows. In the end the Luchadores got their man I guess.
Pick 5 - London Royals - Daniel Bateman LB
Archetype: Balanced
Height: 6’2”
Weight: 240 lbs.
Best Stats: Strength 70, Tackling 70, Speed 70, Endurance 70
I’m not surprised with this pick as Sylphreni is the GM of this team. That is all.
Pick 6 - Dallas Birddogs - Chad Thunder LB
Archetype: Balanced
Height: 6’5”
Weight: 250 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 70, Tackling 70, Endurance 70
I’m not even looking at this guy's stats as his name is all you have to look at. Mr.Chad is a future hall of famer and Dallas is going to look back on this decision fondly. Best pick in the entire draft easily. Pats on the back all around for the management team.
Pick 7 - Kansas City Coyotes - Curtis Blackshear CB
Archetype: Man to Man
Height: 6’1”
Weight: 203 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 80, Agility 70,
At first glance you would notice that the Coyotes already have 3 cornerbacks on their roster. But being the analytical genius that I am I noticed that Blackshear is already faster than one of their cornerbacks, J. Pazos and we all know that the faster you are the better. So, I guess Pazos is out of a job. Sorry man, good luck in free agency.
Pick 8 - Norfolk Seawolves - Jake Woodhead TE
Archetype: Possession
Height: 6’3”
Weight: 255 lbs.
Best Stats:
I mean he’s big, right? If this was the WWE Vince McMahon would be drooling over this specimen. Unfortunately this is a different sport but maybe after his storied Seawolf career he will become a professional wrestler. Only time will tell.
Round 2
Pick 1 - Portland Pythons - Cleg Manclaw TE
Archetype: Blocking
Height: 6’5”
Weight: 260 lbs.
Best Stats:
A blocking tight end? This early in the draft? The Portland pythons must need a lot of help blocking and for some reason don’t want any offensive lineman. This boy is almost built like a lineman but is also able to catch so I guess that is what they are going for. Their tight ends are currently bots so he is better than that I would hope.
Pick 2 - Minnesota Grey Ducks - Owen Isaac DE
Archetype: Power Rusher
Height: 6’5”
Weight: 290 lbs.
Best Stats: Strength 72, Speed 70,
After drafting the first quarterback in the draft, these Grey Ducks have their eyes set on a defensive end for some reason. They already have two ends with better stats. This is only speculation of course but maybe the team is having some internal conflicts and they plan on giving one of their current defensive ends the boot. He’s got decent stats and eventually he could have an impact.
Pick 3 - Myrtle Beach Buccaneers - Matty Martinsson LB
Archetype: Balanced
Height: 6’3”
Weight: 238 lbs.
Best Stats: Tackling 70, Speed 70, Endurance 70
Word on the street is that the Buccaneers are sick and tired of their linebackers Mouseman and Woods because they apparently put ketchup on their steaks and the team is sick and tired of putting up with such shenanigans. They add more to their defense with Matty who absolutely doesn’t put ketchup on steaks.
Pick 4 - Tijuana Luchadores - James Gath, CB
Archetype: Man to Man
Height: 5’11”
Weight: 198 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 81, Agility 70,
Okay so uh, the randomizer is not wrong and I will provide a screenshot below as verification because this is the same pick as some other mock drafts and I am as astounded as anyone else reading this. I laughed for a solid few minutes in amazement. Anyway James Gath is a great cornerback who puts good effort into his play. Great pick for the Luchadores and again this was all RNG lol.
Pick 5 - London Royals - Jake Fencik K/P
Archetype: Balanced
Height: 5’8”
Weight: 165 lbs.
Best Stats: Kick Accuracy 80, Kick Power 75,
2 for 2 on the great picks Sylphreni, keep it up buddy.
Pick 6 - Dallas Birddogs - Rusty Rucker LB
Archetype: Balanced
Height: 6’2”
Weight: 235 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 80, Tackling 70
With the Birddogs losing their star player Domine, they need to fill his spot with someone and Rusty Rucker is a dank ass linebacker who will fill the role Domine left behind and I will predict that he will be even better than Domine. My predictions don’t lie so good job on the pick Dallas you deserve it. Maybe you’ll win the title next season.
Pick 7 - Kansas City Coyotes - Bobby Hoffman DE
Archetype: Power Rusher
Height: 6’5”
Weight: 300 lbs.
Best Stats: Strength 73, Speed 73, Endurance 70
Hoffman is a very good defensive end and is putting the work in to be a top player in the league but the Coyotes already have two defensive ends on their team so I have no idea what the hell is going on here. Perhaps they are creating a new defensive scheme utilizing three defensive ends at the same time. If so that will make or break their season and their coaches career so good luck boys!
Pick 8 - Norfolk Seawolves - Frankie Lantz RB
Archetype: Speed Back
Height: 5’10”
Weight: 200 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 80, Endurance 70
Heyyy the first running back is off the board amazing! Frankie is as quick as whip and good endurance. The only problem is that Norfolk has three other running backs currently on the roster. I sense that the management is going to throw them all into a free for all deathmatch and the last man standing gets the starting position. Good luck to you all and don’t forget to play dirty!
Round 3
Pick 1 - Portland Pythons - Uncle Rico QB
Player Archetype: Pocket Passer
Height: 6'6"
Weight: 220lbs
Best Stats: Arm 70, Intelligence 70, Throwing Accuracy 70
The second quarterback comes off the board and I’m pretty sure the pythons management haven’t been paying attention because Uncle Rico bowed out a few weeks ago and retired. So they use their third round draft pick on absolutely nothing. Maybe someday he will return and light up the league. Godspeed Uncle.
Pick 2 - Minnesota Grey Ducks - Albert Ruschmann DE
Archetype: Balanced
Height: 6’4”
Weight: 275 lbs.
Best Stats: Strength 70, Speed 70, Endurance 70
Seems like the Grey Ducks really have a hankering for defensive ends as they pick their second one back to back. I think the Ducks realized they passed up on a better defensive end and are making up for it by using a second pick on the player that they actually want. Ruschmann is a wicked sick end and I hear he is also really good at mock drafts so look out for a media career for him when he retires.
Pick 3 - Myrtle Beach Buccaneers - Tayshawn Crunk S
Archetype: Center Fielder
Height: 6’1”
Weight: 195 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 84, Endurance 70, Agility 70
Speed demon Crunk flying out of the draft with a top speed of 84. Almost fast enough to go back to the future he will surely have an impact for the Bucs as they currently only have bots at strong safety. The Bucs walk away happy and Crunk, well, gets his crunk on at the after party.
Pick 4 - Tijuana Luchadores - Flap N’Chick TE
Archetype: Balanced
Height: 6’4”
Weight: 259 lbs.
Best Stats: Endurance 70
The Luchadores must have hired Bill Belichick as their head coach as they are amassing as many tight ends as possible to run some sort of all tight end scheme. Flap will fit in nicely with this supposed scheme and everyone better be on the lookout and get their defensive schemes on point.
Pick 5 - London Royals - Ben Anabender CB
Archetype: Zone
Height: 6’3”
Weight: 170 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 75
I know Ben doesn’t have the best stats around. He is at least pretty fast and that can be improved upon but I know the real reason Ben is being drafted this high. If we take a look at his last name we can see something intriguing do we not? He has the word bender in his last name. Which can only mean that yes, the Royals are actually drafting Bender from Futurama. Good luck deal with that alcoholic mess Royals, you’re gonna have your hands full with him.
Pick 6 - Dallas Birddogs - Sterling Moss OL
Archetype: Athletic Lineman
Height: 6’6”
Weight: 320 lbs.
Best Stats: Strength 75, Pass Blocking 70, Run Blocking 70
The Birddogs are hosting a pancake eating contest and the top 4 lineman will earn the starting spots for the team and Sterling Moss is a 5 time pancake eating champion and will surely make the starting roster. The boy can eat and he’s going to eat his competition, especially one of the Birddogs tackles Mr. Donuts.
Pick 7 - Kansas City Coyotes - Sam Roes DE
Archetype: Balanced
Height: 6’4”
Weight: 281 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 74, Strength 70
Sam Roes is a lean mean killing machine and he earns this pick as earlier in the year he saved the Coyotes GM daughter from a group of London Royal thugs. Apparently he is a well trained marksman and a black belt in karate. On and off the field Sam is going to dominate. Better watch out as I label this my #BESTPICK of the draft. He will literally murder the competition.
Pick 8 - Norfolk Seawolves - Darren Pama TE
Archetype: Balanced
Height: 6’5”
Weight: 245 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 77
The Seawolves add a second tight end to their team seemingly copying the strategy of Luchadores mid draft. I gotta say these coordinators are becoming more and more copycats these days. Darren is an awesome tight end and I wish him all the best in this wacky wild world of professional sports.
Round 4
Pick 1 - Portland Pythons - Adam Mellott OL
Archetype: Pass Blocker
Height: 6’5”
Weight: 330 lbs.
Best Stats: Strength 75, Pass Blocking 75, Run Blocking 70
The Pythons have a buttload of lineman bots so adding some real skin to their team is always good even though they might be better than Adam right now. I have a personal stance that bots don’t belong in the league and they are TAKIN OUR JERBS!
Pick 2 - Minnesota Grey Ducks - Alexander Johnson WR
Archetype: Speed Receiver
Height: 5’9”
Weight: 175 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 80
I can’t believe it. Finally a wide receiver has been picked in the draft and it’s no hands all speed Alexander Johnson. This boy can run and the Grey Ducks will utilize his speed by telling him to “go long” on every single play until one day he is wide open and drops the ball causing mass rioting as the Grey Ducks lose in the playoffs because of it.
Pick 3 - Myrtle Beach Buccaneers - Marc Hamel OL
Archetype: Technician
Height: 6’3”
Weight: 340 lbs.
Best Stats: Strength 75, Pass Blocking 70, Run Blocking 70
It’s always good to draft lineman as you can never have enough and who better than Marc Hamel of Star Wars and Joker fame. He is both a jedi master and an absolute maniac and probably unhinged. I wouldn’t want to line up against this man on the defense that is for sure. The Bucs are coming for that title with this pick.
Pick 4 - Tijuana Luchadores - Terry Tate LB
Archetype: Speed Rusher
Height: 6’5”
Weight: 255 lbs.
Best Stats: Strength 70, Speed 70
According to my quick search the Luchadores already have...um.. Lemme double check..six linebackers and are adding a seventh apparently. It seems like the Luchadores are building a linebacker army to take over the entire DSFL. We need another team to step up and start building their own army to hold these monsters off from destroying us all. God helps us.
Pick 5 - London Royals - Guy Fields LB
Archetype: Coverage
Height: 6’2”
Weight: 223 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 75, Endurance 70
The Royals take another linebacker off the board and continue to amass big boys on defense. Mr. Guy is a big body and also has the speed to make good coverage. My brain is starting to fry as I am typing this all up and therefore declare this as my #ULTRABESTPICK. Good job Syl on having the best pick in the draft. I don’t know why I doubted you earlier.
Pick 6 - Dallas Birddogs - Connor Quigley OL
Archetype: Run Blocker
Height: 6’4”
Weight: 340 lbs.
Best Stats: Run Blocking 75, Strength 72
Now this is a head scratcher as Dallas takes Connor Quigley, a moderately skilled offensive lineman but hasn’t been seen around the league in several weeks. One can only hope that he is safe wherever he may be. If I were to guess he was found by the Russian mob and had to flee the country. Connor if you are reading this Ты не можешь прятаться вечно.
Pick 7 - Kansas City Coyotes - Buster Bawlls RB/FB
Archetype: Blocking Back
Height: 6’2”
Weight: 250 lbs.
Best Stats: Strength 70, Endurance 70
The one and only Buster Bawlls is my #CERTIFIEDLOCK of the draft being the only player with BAWLLS to play the fullback position. The Coyotes get a solid player but an even better stand up person in Buster. The only problem I envision Buster having is trying to fit a cup around his massive balls.
Pick 8 - Norfolk Seawolves - Regius Goliathus LB
Height: 6’5”
Weight: 255 lbs.
Best Stats:
I mean, with a name like that he has to be a pretty big dude right? At 6’5 all I can see is Mr.Goliath knocking down almost any pass thrown his way. He also sounds like he comes from Greek mythology so perhaps he can harness the power of the gods and blow everyone away with his godly skills. Probably not but we can dream, right?
Round 5
Pick 1 - Portland Pythons - Mark Walker WR
Archetype: Route Runner
Height: 5’11”
Weight: 185 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 76, Agility 70
Oh boy another wide receiver off the board and Mark Walker is about as bland stats wise as his name. He’ll be serviceable to the Pythons probably.
Pick 2 - Minnesota Grey Ducks - Mark Callous WR
Archetype: Possession Receiver
Height: 6’2”
Weight: 210 lbs.
Best Stats: Speed 78, Endurance 70, Hands 70, Agility 70
Alright boys here we go, the absolute best pick in the draft. The Grey Ducks are going to win every game until Mark moves on to the ISFL. Mean Mark will show up big time for the Ducks and show everyone how big the chip on his shoulder is as he decimates the competition.
So luckily the randomizer put me decently early so I don’t have to go through the entire draft as again I’m not some media fiend like some of you on here.This is the perfect mock analysis and I guarantee it will be 100% accurate. Also anyone who hasn’t shown up on this mock draft unfortunately you didn’t make the cut. Good luck next year!
Here is a screenshot of the list order of the players drafted as verification. Don't blame me blame technology.
![[Image: McCransky_Sig.png]](https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/679741230761902088/745080191805685770/McCransky_Sig.png)
![[Image: KwiaYg8.png]](https://imgur.com/KwiaYg8.png)
![[Image: 46xOyod.png]](https://i.imgur.com/46xOyod.png)
![[Image: 002p.png]](https://i.postimg.cc/YqxHKpBC/002p.png)
![[Image: GlimsTC.gif]](https://sig.grumpybumpers.com/host/GlimsTC.gif)
