S17 ULTIMUS WEEK!!!

[TomHanks]

9. Enemies

Got damn I'm glad y'all set it off
Used to be good now you're just weak and soft
First you was good on the draft day
And now I see you trading all your picks for Trae-IA?
Lookin' like straight bozos
Numbers saw it comin' that's why he went HO
And kept on stompin'
While y'all motherfuckers lost it all in Portland
Livin' with the snakes, one big house
And any recent trophies are fakes
I started off with too few draft picks
Dropped Jake Dropson now I'm gettin' all the chicks
Luchadores are rulin'
“The greatest team in the league”, who ya foolin'?
Y'all Pythons just phony
I put that on my mama and my dead homeys
Saba Boy's on your team, so you're losin'
Ay yo Cue, you play like you’re snoozin’
Said you’d win it all, but you weren’t that slick
RKANSAW saw your team and went IA quick
You got jealous when I got my Ultimini
But I'm a man, and only Scorp was helpin' me
Tryin' to sound like your strats are the best
Toast could test all day, still be no contest
'Cause you know I'm the one that flown
Ya done run 100 yards, but you still got one to go
With the L-U-C-H-A M-O-B, and ya'll disgrace the your city
'Cause you're gettin' fucked out your rings by Tijuana
With no Vaseline

1) Playoff Predictions, Reviews:
Y’all already know what playoff game ol’ Jimmy is reviewing. I had been dreading leaving Tijuana since I decided to make the move, but with one final game we were gonna put on a show. We’d been to the Ultimini before as a team, but we had a lot of rookies, so for a good chunk of the team this was a totally new experience. That wasn’t the case for our quarterback, who turned in a very efficient performance and earned himself his second consecutive Ultimini. The team as a whole was fantastic as we had been all season. However, there are two guys I really want to highlight. The first is Chase Osborn, who gave us the game winning touchdown on the first play of the 4th quarter, capping off a great drive and giving us the lead. The other guy I want to highlight, Junior Lopez, came up even more clutch than Osborn. Down by 1 point, Portland had the ball and a chance for Cue to march down the field and score a game winning touchdown like his predecessor, Franklin Armstrong did so many time before him. Instead, Lopez came flying across the field on Cue’s first attempt of the drive, snagged the ball out of the air, and secured the game our team.

7) Next year
Ooh boy I’m looking forward to moving up to New Orleans right now. I know I just said I was dreading leaving Tijuana, and I’m still a bit of a wreck since then. It’s gotten so bad now I get sad drinking tequila, and I used to love margaritas. But the Second Line is poised for the future. Our window opens next season and I don’t see it closing for a long time. Our quarterback, Stan Francisco has been developing steadily, and will be taking control of the offense next season as he is beginning his peak. Our WR has a great veteran presence in Vladimir Fyodorovich, who agreed to come back on a generous contract, and will be taking a mentorship role for our receivers. Jones has come a long way and will be a force to be reckoned with next season. Jackson plays both at tight end and wide receiver, and his role is poised to grow a lot with Stan’s improvement. On the defence we have maulers on the D line like Brayden Ennis, who might be the strongest man I’ve ever seen, Bode, who led the league in tackles last season, and the swiss army knife that is Johnny Slothface. We also have lock down corners in Andrews and Taylor. All of those guys have been making huge strides, and NOLA is looking to be a shut down defence next season.

16) Unsung Hero
Unsung hero of the playoffs is going to go to a guy who was the best damn offensive lineman in the DSFL this season, Brave Ulysses. During the regular season, Ulysses produced 2 fewer than the record number of pancakes in the season with 65. He also didn’t let in a single sack. Given the job of protecting McCann from DLotY Mike Franchet, as well as bulldoze him out of the way for our RBs was no easy task. Despite that, Ulysses not only didn’t let in a sack all game, but he held Franchet to a single tackle and no TFLs. In addition, Brave planted his opposite man on the floor on 7 different blocks. In the Ultimini with the stakes raised, Ulysses continued to perform extremely well, notching 5 more pancake blocks onto his impressive season, and finishing strong without letting in a single sack. His opposite man, Sanchez, was held to 3 tackles, none of them for a loss. Ulysses was able to win at the point of attack through 100% of both games in the playoffs, made huge holes for Ducky and Osborn to run through, and kept the pocket clean for McCann to pick apart the opposing defence. He ends his DSFL playoff career with the 3rd most pancake blocks, 31.