4) OL or K/P Appreciation (238 words)
God bro I appreciate the fuck out of our kicky boi Silver Banana. I mean, my mans is just frickin great. If you didn't know, Silver Banana is the kicker and punter for the Colorado Yeti. And if you also didn't know (which would be fair, tbh), the Colorado Yeti made the playoffs this year! And... the playoffs didn't go so well for us. We lost, rather deflatingly, to the Yellowknife Wraiths in the wildcard round.
But! we did have a bright spot... can you guess who it was? That's right. Ole Silver "the silver bullet "werewolf killer" " Banana. Since our offense completely imploded all game long, we had to rely on the Silver Bullet to make an astonishing 10 punts. And guess fuckin what boys. He averaged 43.1 yards per punt on them while leaving several (3) inside the 20 yard line. Now I know 43.1 wouldn't be great alone, but we were punting from some shitty spots and he did frankly the best work possible given the situation. And then, there were the field goals. With 2 field goals and 1 extra point, Banana scored more points than all the rest of the team (oof). So we may not have made it far in the playoffs.... but if we hadn't crumpled in this game, you'd better believe he wouldve been a FORCE all playoffs long. If only silver bullets worked on ghosts in addition to werewolves....
6) Next Year (249 words)
....wow. I write this one depressingly often. Anyways. Why can the Colorado Yeeti win the Ultimus next season? Umm.... have you looked at this roster? Need I run through it??? Let's begin. We'll start with Wolfie McDummy. The quarterback and proud leader of this team, some of you might know him as a turnover machine. Me? I know him as Wolfie "Ryan Fitzmagic" McDummy. Yes, he may throw the game away every now and then. But he is #NotARunningBack.... he's a quarterrunningback! He can literally get it done on the field in every way. Every now and then he wavers, but that's no biggie. Why? His supporting cast is always there to pick up the rare slack. I mean, man, we got tight end Earl Sauce. That man dominates the field. Too quick and agile for linebackers, too powerful and overwhelming for defensive backs. He's just too big man. The offense also has that washed up running back that another team took first overall, but he's pretty irrelevant so we'll skip him. On the defensive side of the ball... BUBBAAAAAAAA! Bubba Thumper is a FORCE. That man will give anybody an absolute pounding. He is massive, powerful, undeniable. A force to reckoned with on the field too! Behind him, stands #MoVP. Mo Berry just had an incredible season that gave him the best shot as a defensive player winning the MVP award in a long time. There's plenty of reason to be expecting a repeat performance this coming season!
17) Sponsorships (228 words)
Ladies and gentlemen..... Ashley Owens has a sponsorship. Now, being a first overall draft pick (2 times), Owens has had his share of endorsement deals and such. However, none have mattered to him as much as this one.... to be shown in the Ultimus, Owens is in an ad representing his home, his family, his college, his state... everything he stands for. Ashley Owens will be representing... a small family company's newest business venture.... frozen cheese curds. Good, true, Wisconsin cheese curds. Now, I know, frozen cheese curds sound like they might not be any good (well, of course they are, they're cheese curds, but like compared to fresh ones I mean), but this company has an incredible recipe and easy preparation instructions that make them the best cheese curds Owens has ever tasted outside of his home state of Wisconsin. Since first being contacted them, Owens has of his own choice been buying them in bulk for his Colorado home-- because nothing says home like cheese curds. Owens is incredibly excited to be in the ad, and to hopefully share these wonderful Wisconsin treats with the world. The ad will feature him basically just conveniently making and consuming the cheese curds in various locations, from his own kitchen, to the stadium, to other teams' stadiums! Even... scandalously... at home in Wisconsin! because they're just that good folks.
19) Team Culture (240 words)
Just straight up, Colorado is the most fantastic lockerroom and group of folks I ever could've hoped for. When I made Ashley Owens, I knew from the beginning I would want to test free agency at some point, since with 11 seasons invested in the league I still never had. That said, I never expected to do it as soon as I did-- 2 seasons into my tenure in Austin. Austin, the Copperheads, the team that drafted me. It felt terrible leaving them. But the situation just wasn't right for me as a player (although lockerroom was fantastic), and so I left for Colorado, where I could eat stats (hopefully) and finally play with a longtime friend in infinitempg (as well as reunite with my old DSFL teammate woelker!). Little did I know, I was in for so much more. Not just infinite and woelker... but everybody in that lockerroom has been nothing but fantastic. After hitting free agency so quickly once, I wasn't PLANNING to do it again, but I had no objections to doing so. But I signed an extension for another 3 seasons before getting close to the offseason recently. Why? Because I truly love everyone in that lockerroom. Kind, funny, caring, honest people. All of them. They're all just... good people. And I'm lucky to be among them. ... also the pets channel is the cutest shit you've ever seen. every team better have one of those
God bro I appreciate the fuck out of our kicky boi Silver Banana. I mean, my mans is just frickin great. If you didn't know, Silver Banana is the kicker and punter for the Colorado Yeti. And if you also didn't know (which would be fair, tbh), the Colorado Yeti made the playoffs this year! And... the playoffs didn't go so well for us. We lost, rather deflatingly, to the Yellowknife Wraiths in the wildcard round.
But! we did have a bright spot... can you guess who it was? That's right. Ole Silver "the silver bullet "werewolf killer" " Banana. Since our offense completely imploded all game long, we had to rely on the Silver Bullet to make an astonishing 10 punts. And guess fuckin what boys. He averaged 43.1 yards per punt on them while leaving several (3) inside the 20 yard line. Now I know 43.1 wouldn't be great alone, but we were punting from some shitty spots and he did frankly the best work possible given the situation. And then, there were the field goals. With 2 field goals and 1 extra point, Banana scored more points than all the rest of the team (oof). So we may not have made it far in the playoffs.... but if we hadn't crumpled in this game, you'd better believe he wouldve been a FORCE all playoffs long. If only silver bullets worked on ghosts in addition to werewolves....6) Next Year (249 words)
....wow. I write this one depressingly often. Anyways. Why can the Colorado Yeeti win the Ultimus next season? Umm.... have you looked at this roster? Need I run through it??? Let's begin. We'll start with Wolfie McDummy. The quarterback and proud leader of this team, some of you might know him as a turnover machine. Me? I know him as Wolfie "Ryan Fitzmagic" McDummy. Yes, he may throw the game away every now and then. But he is #NotARunningBack.... he's a quarterrunningback! He can literally get it done on the field in every way. Every now and then he wavers, but that's no biggie. Why? His supporting cast is always there to pick up the rare slack. I mean, man, we got tight end Earl Sauce. That man dominates the field. Too quick and agile for linebackers, too powerful and overwhelming for defensive backs. He's just too big man. The offense also has that washed up running back that another team took first overall, but he's pretty irrelevant so we'll skip him. On the defensive side of the ball... BUBBAAAAAAAA! Bubba Thumper is a FORCE. That man will give anybody an absolute pounding. He is massive, powerful, undeniable. A force to reckoned with on the field too! Behind him, stands #MoVP. Mo Berry just had an incredible season that gave him the best shot as a defensive player winning the MVP award in a long time. There's plenty of reason to be expecting a repeat performance this coming season!
17) Sponsorships (228 words)
Ladies and gentlemen..... Ashley Owens has a sponsorship. Now, being a first overall draft pick (2 times), Owens has had his share of endorsement deals and such. However, none have mattered to him as much as this one.... to be shown in the Ultimus, Owens is in an ad representing his home, his family, his college, his state... everything he stands for. Ashley Owens will be representing... a small family company's newest business venture.... frozen cheese curds. Good, true, Wisconsin cheese curds. Now, I know, frozen cheese curds sound like they might not be any good (well, of course they are, they're cheese curds, but like compared to fresh ones I mean), but this company has an incredible recipe and easy preparation instructions that make them the best cheese curds Owens has ever tasted outside of his home state of Wisconsin. Since first being contacted them, Owens has of his own choice been buying them in bulk for his Colorado home-- because nothing says home like cheese curds. Owens is incredibly excited to be in the ad, and to hopefully share these wonderful Wisconsin treats with the world. The ad will feature him basically just conveniently making and consuming the cheese curds in various locations, from his own kitchen, to the stadium, to other teams' stadiums! Even... scandalously... at home in Wisconsin! because they're just that good folks.
19) Team Culture (240 words)
Just straight up, Colorado is the most fantastic lockerroom and group of folks I ever could've hoped for. When I made Ashley Owens, I knew from the beginning I would want to test free agency at some point, since with 11 seasons invested in the league I still never had. That said, I never expected to do it as soon as I did-- 2 seasons into my tenure in Austin. Austin, the Copperheads, the team that drafted me. It felt terrible leaving them. But the situation just wasn't right for me as a player (although lockerroom was fantastic), and so I left for Colorado, where I could eat stats (hopefully) and finally play with a longtime friend in infinitempg (as well as reunite with my old DSFL teammate woelker!). Little did I know, I was in for so much more. Not just infinite and woelker... but everybody in that lockerroom has been nothing but fantastic. After hitting free agency so quickly once, I wasn't PLANNING to do it again, but I had no objections to doing so. But I signed an extension for another 3 seasons before getting close to the offseason recently. Why? Because I truly love everyone in that lockerroom. Kind, funny, caring, honest people. All of them. They're all just... good people. And I'm lucky to be among them. ... also the pets channel is the cutest shit you've ever seen. every team better have one of those
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