*The Funny 115: NSFL Edition

[RainDelay]

Welcome to the first edition of the "Funny 115", a series of, yes, one hundred and fifteen articles of varying length covering some of the nonsensical hilarity that often ensues around the site. This series was inspired by Mario Lanza, who writes about the popular American and Australian reality TV show, Survivor. So if you like that show, or just want to make sure I'm not making that up, go check it out.

I know, a lot of dumb shit happens around this site, and we often find ourselves laughing at most of it, so if there's something you'd like to see me cover, please slide into my DMs and drop me a line.

The first installment of the Funny 115, "Death, Taxes and Expansion", can be found here: http://nsfl.b1.jcink.com/index.php?showtopic=4448

WAIT! RAINDELAY, WILL YOU BE WRITING THESE EVERY DAY??

No, I am a student with other things to do, and will put these out when I can.

BUT RAINDELAY....

My dick. Hop off it.

Today's subject is the "John Elway card" (which is still probably the most popular kind of card around the site)...


No really, Shadowz, it's fine. Equipment is nice and all, but here's some cash for images that have absolutely no use

On to the main point, it was a warm night on July 3rd, 2017.

RAINDELAY, WAS IT ACTUALLY WARM?

Of course it was, it was fucking July. Now get out of my head.

I hadn't watched Game of Thrones. Ever. I had heard my friends speak incessantly about it, and I thought that it would never be the show for me.

Fast forward to today's date and I'm already more than halfway through the show and I'm totally hooked.


No, Kendrick, RainDelay is the the biggest hypocrite of 2017.

When the player Gregor Clegane was created, I had no idea what it was a reference to. I just thought it was some weirdly clever name. I soon realized it was from the show, and then I thought that it was cool that this man is paying homage to a character. I mean, at least he doesn't actually roleplay as if he exists in the GoT Universe, right?

Gregor Clegane pulls the Elway Card
Reported by: Petyr Baelish
The Dorne Daily has intercepted a set of encrypted messages from an unnamed House’s Maesters to Sir Gregor Clegane, known as the Mountain, inquiring on whether the aforementioned Mountain would be interested in joining their House’s faction in the war of five kings.  According to the Mountain’s response, he is virulently opposed to such a move, as backstabbing is the province of lesser men.  He seems to be attached to the Lannister House to the point of devotion.  This maneuver has been executed in the past, and dusty tomes in the Maester’s Citadel refer to it as the LeVar Ball, the Jack Elway, or known as the Archie Manning special.  Gregor’s case, when studied in detail, is similar to the above examples lost in antiquity, although his father (who tragically died in a fire at the Clegane Citadel when Gregor was an adolescent) is not available as a spokesperson.  The complete details of these cases above does not totally translate to the circumstances currently facing Sir Gregor Clegane.  In each historical case, the father of the to-be-drafted player expressed dire reservations about the quality of the selecting franchises.  The Mountain has expressed nothing but admiration to his opposing factions in the struggling battlefields of the War of Five Kings, but firm dedication that he is, was, and will be in the future, a staunch supporter of the Lannisters.

Oh.

The "Orange County Otters" was bad enough, now I had to deal with the Orange County Lannisters. Maybe J-Bearly was actually King Joffrey, and well...that would explain why he left.


If this dude was any more in-bred, he'd be a sandwich.

So, in layman's terms, or any terms that don't exist in the damned universe of Westeros, our lineman in question was holding out in the draft. He wanted to be drafted by the Otters, and if he wasn't, he flat out did not wish to play for whoever did. That doesn't seem all that fair, but, hey, it's his choice. If he wishes to hold out for the Otters, he can. Who are we to put a cap on his sim league experience? This drove his draft stock with the non-Orange County teams waaaayyyy down.

Now, the second straight edition of "Noble States the Obvious".

If so, I'd like to say your draft stock with me has fallen. The draft is supposed to be a fair way to divy out players and while you didn't technically break any rules but saying you'll do this it still goes against the integrity of the league and is kind of selfish in my opinion.

No fucking shit it's selfish

RAINDELAY THESE TAKES AREN'T HOT ENOUGH

hopefully you'll be an otter for life

Yeah, kinda like you, my DSFL send-down friend.

Baltimore GM Hendrix may be failing at a lot, but he's always been great at two things: Accidental cheating, and ironic foreshadowing.

Hopefully stuff like this doesn't become common.

Oh god, what would happen to the league if SOMEONE ELSE did this?

Of course it's going to become common, Hendrix. At least this clears up that some wires were already loose in his head when he asked the fateful question to A.C. Hackett (A.k.a the guy that the Outlaws are salty as all hell about losing out on, but refuse to admit it)



Greg Clegane was cool, but now it had to be done by a different player. Specifically, Arizona Outlaws offensive lineman Big Bot. Wait, that's not Big Bot? Oh, sorry, I meant Tim Pest, but he certainly writes like a bot.

The abbreviated version: (without Game of Thrones Metaphors)

"Metaphors". That's an interesting way to spell "bullshit", Tim.

tim pest has a point to make for teammates on the outlaws/fairness of the league
tim pest is holding out of the draft for the outlaws until the second round
If drafted by another team, tim pest would refuse to sign the offer sheet, and would be forced to sit the season
If the tim pest is available in the second round, he will happily sign with another team.

This is an insanely original idea if I've ever heard one. This man is holding out for the Arizona Outlaws. So there goes another first round prospect, right? I mean, it seems evident that he will go to them in the second round, and the Outlaws can address a different need first.

With the 3rd overall pick, the Arizona Outlaws select...

OL Tim Pest

Well then, Arizona.

Side note, stop what you're doing right now if you are unfamiliar with the wisdom of Tim Pest. This man will probably get his very own Funny 115 entry at some point, but for now, I just have to say that I absolutely love his aversion to the shift key. Seriously, this dude uses fewer caps than a Major League Baseball concession stand.


Just in case I wanted to throw something at Aaron Judge's goofy head from fifty rows back, I think I could do better than a Sierra Mist cap.

Let the record show that the Season 2 NSFL Draft had two holdouts, both by major offensive linemen. These guys had ALL the TPE, and were high-profile prospects. But what would happen if someone in a future draft, say, would like to do something similar without all this clout these two had?

NO WAY, RAINDELAY, THAT WONT HAPPEN

Shut up, Hendrix.

Hello, I am Calkewlated Chambers the Third. I am a future S3 draft prospect.

I'm sorry, who?

I therefore must follow my spirit  and declare The San Jose Saber Cats as my team of preference. I will hold out if necessary but I trust the spirits to guide me back to my ancestors homeland.  

Extra, extra! Read all about it! Someone is holding out to the San Jose SaberCats! Who is this amazing prospect that they are going to have grace their locker room?

TPE: 75

God damnit, got my hopes up.

Off topic: How did you morons get "Cake" from this guy's name? If you read it closely enough, it is spelled as if it pronounced "calculated" not "cake-something." Although I'd be hungry too if I were playing on SaberCats money.

Wait, but he's a friend of Dan Miller. He's a good enough guy, despite his odd furry affinity for role-playing as a dog. Seriously, if I see one more of those Lord Nibbler posts, I'm going full 2007 Michael Vick. But back to the subject at hand, the worst has actually come true. We have general, bottom-half prospects holding out for the team of their choice. At some point, we will have a draft that is composed entirely of holdouts.

It's a good thing we created the new league to act as a feeder. What was it called again? Oh yeah, Minor League Baseball the DSFL.

With newbies coming through the ranks of the DSFL, they won't be attached to any NSFL team via a waiver claim. Although, who am I kidding? People are still going to pick a team they will hold out for just based on the fucking logo.


Sorry Liberty, it's referred to as Taco Hell for a reason.

So who's to blame for all this mess?

Is it the players?
No, they don't know any better.

Is it the teams?
No, they can't help being attractive/unattractive destinations.

Is it the GMs?
Yeah, probably. Everything else is.

But no, not really. It isn't the GMs' fault. In fact, the root of this issue can be traced back, as Gregor Clegane alluded to, this guy:


Yes, this smug rat-from-Kim-Possible-lookin' bastard is responsible for this mess

The "John Elway Card" (coming to stores for probably upwards of 300K soon), is what caused this. And there's no end in sight, even with the DSFL coming into action this season. And it will always be funny, no matter how many players make ridiculous articles such as those I referenced.

The Denver Broncos got what they deserved, and they now have Trevor Siemian at quarterback, which is quite the fitting end to this saga. :lol:

Gregor Clegane is semi-active, and Tim Pest still types in all lowercase, for whatever reason.

Stay tuned for the third edition of the Funny 115, and if there's a ridiculous event or theme you would like me to cover, like I said, drop me a line.

Until then, keep your stick on the ice.

GRADED

[evryday]

This was the most convoluted thing I have ever attempted to read.

[RainDelay]

Take half a shot at the Hawks and all of a sudden they can't read it.

*excessively rolls eyes*

[timeconsumer]

6/10. You can do better.

[DeathOnReddit]

0/7 would not recommend even if you had cancer and this article were the only cure.

[Lendoris]

[RainDelay]

0/7 would not recommend even if you had cancer and this article were the only cure.

Says probably a Top 5 toxic member on the site.

*aggressively rolls eyes*

[DeathOnReddit]

Says probably a Top 5 toxic member on the site.

*aggressively rolls eyes*

Toxic is a rude word. I prefer supreme overlord of all you shitties.

[ADwyer87]

well, good news, the quality of @Archon's shit posts now look much better

[Archon]

well, good news, the quality of @Archon's shit posts now look much better

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me. :cheers: