02-10-2020, 03:10 AM
(This post was last modified: 02-11-2020, 09:37 AM by Fordhammer.)
Oh yes. After a very long hiatus and a whole lot of being reasonable, it's time to get back to the roots and show these posers how it's done. That's poseurs for those of you who enjoy adding unnecessary vowels to shit for no reason. All you wannabe hot take artists and sauce stirrers sit down, shut up, and watch how a master works. Now, for those of you too new or too stoned to remember, the Let's Overreact series of articles features me going absolutely batshit on every team for every possible reason because I can and because I don't need a second reason. In this article I intend to pull absolutely zero punches. I will however attempt to be very explicit in what I refer to. You see sometimes it's important to note the difference when you're talking about a person or their fictional counterpoint. That's called "really fucking basic common sense". I could and likely will say many mean things about a team without it reflecting on the people on that team or running that team. Now, this does not mean that those people will be devoid of feeling a real sting. And that is okay. We get those. Because we're invested. And that's also okay. This is all for fun after all and when people have a level of upset appropriate to that, it's a relatively good thing. Likewise I will also most likely throw jabs at actual people. When I do so, it won't be half assed. It won't be pretend. When I give you shit, I hand it to you face to face in a lovely to go container.
Well well wel-
Oh no. Not you. Nobody's ready for your ass to make a return so get back into your obscure reference cave and wait to come out. These motherfuckers don't even know. Let's get on this. I'm gonna take every team head on and I'm gonna call you out on your shit right here and now. Ready? Nope. Fuck it. First time in a year, let's do this. Team order determined by randomly asking in Discord chat. Young TB helpfully suggested Liberty, Hawks, Butchers, and Garbage Cans in that order as is reflected in the first four teams. Starboy then added in the rest. Thanks fellas! All right. Buckle up. We're about to be really unfair. To everybody.
Philadelphia Liberty
Your superstar rookie Wide Receiver is losing out in every way to the guy picked after him. Yep. That about sums up your season. The most exciting thing this team has going for it is GMs who want to be there for more than a week at a time. We call that a B+ season in Philly. And sure....one of them literally brags about never winning at any level. And the other probably got the job because his Kevin Malone picture always makes people think it's actually Payton. Press Doot to pay respects to the original. I mean even the league doesn't really know who he is considering only Hall is listed on the team's pages as a mod. But hey...it would be unfair of me to say that things aren't looking up for the franchise. At 4-7 you're on pace to be no more shitty than any of the previous three seasons, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Also you beat two of the four teams with the current best records in the league you schizophrenic bastards. You hold your heads up medium.
I was gonna stop here but the Appeals team decided ot add to you rpunishment so we're gonna keep going instead. The running game is the best it's been since the last time I wrote about you and then he left to go win Ultimus'. Plural. Before retiring as the greatest statistical RB in league history. Shout out once again to YoungTB. The passing game is showing magnificent decision making. As in "let's make a top 3 all time QB's recreate into a TE". Stellar work their gang. It's what you expect from San Jose East. A failed runner at kicker, there to take away the sting of you missing out on the last 1/3 of a Hall of Fame kicker career in Fulture. Wait a minute. Didn't I basically just tell that same story earlier in the paragraph? But there's more. A wannabe DPOY who relied entirely on a glitch. A DT whose greatest league achievement was accidentally stumbling on a different conspiracy than the one he was looking for. Well, to be fair, the names are always great so let's call that accidental discovery his second best achievement. All of this and you're not quite eliminated from playoff contention yet because your entire conference is what New Jersey smells like. You haven't had a winning record since the one year you could beat up on the expansion teams and yet you're paying more former GMs to be on your team than half the league combined. Don't worry gang. There's several more failed GMs you could add in the upcoming draft. And the rest of your conferenc eis about to regress so hard that you could win it at 6-7 in S21. Ring the bell.
Baltimore Hawks
At 5-6 you're in a commanding playoff position. Because it's the NSFC. You would be last in the opposing conference behind the other 5-6 teams. That's not even an assumption. You literally lost to both of them. At home. Both times. That stat doesn't even require any insults. It stands magnificently on it's own. The only important thing about your seaosn is that you have games with both ASFC leaders and will likely be present while home field advantage is decided. I'd say you'll be part of it, but you've lost every game you played against a team with more than 4 wins (except one). You lost almost all of those by double digits. So, you'll be present. Then again, Baltimore is used to having losses against the ASFC that factor into the Ultimus. Like...a shit ton of Ultimus' for example. Your Quarterback is almost a star. Reminds me of a kicker that should've been huge and always almost was. I dunno. Maybe you'll get lucky and Philly's DT will find out Yellowknife's QB is actually also...uhhh I mean...I dunno...mildly editing things. Sorry...I get confused which rule violations we actually punish people for these days. Anyway...maybe that'll happen and your QB can finally take over the top slot. it's worked for him before. Your defense is so old that most of your starters are going into regression after next season. The only real young star you even have just tried to smacktalk an inactive just to get a win, only for that inactive to show up within ten minutes and sit him down. Hard. Your running game on the other hand is doing pretty well. You have a nice sol....oops. Nevermind. You just traded him. Well....there's Baltimore for you. Turning competence into slightly less competence at a rate you could set your clocks by. You're like if all of Hall and Oates' songs were written by Brooks and Dunn and sung by Maroon 5. Your entire season is that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer is in a karate class for children and keeps beating them up. At least you can finally get your original logo back though now that your former GM has returned. Small victories. Which is also the Hawks motto.
Chicago Butchers
What can even be said about the Butchers that hasn't already? Oh, I know. "I can't wait to be drafted by the Butchers!". A team so cursed that the worst Werewolf strategist of all time feels like an appropriate addition to management. At least you're interesting I guess. There's rarely a dull Chicago game. Usually for the wrong reasons but still. Your point totals could be a drinking game where everyone dies from alcohol poisoning. Most of the team is about to regress. More than zero of the team is banned. Mostly the roster is just the castoffs from other teams and that one guy no one signed anyway. Congratulations. You're the ex we dial at 3AM of NSFL teams, Chicago. You've only existed for five seasons and people all over the league are calling for you to just end the brand entirely and do something else. It's not even fair to beat up on you at this point, so I'll end with a compliment. Trading away so many of your 1st round picks has proven to be a smart strategy and an improvement over the previous plan of wasting those picks on busts. Kudos.
San Jose Sabercats
Oh boy oh boy. It's the Sabercats. You've given up one more point than Chicago has and scored less. You still have a blatantly stolen name and logo. On the other hand you've stolen a few games and your QB figured out this season that he's supposed to throw it to your team. That's a plus, right? And you've found this nifty spot where none of the other teams thinks you're their rival. Plus, I just heard that your #2 overall pick is gonna step up and become GM. So congrats on that too, because the team has been looking to groom new leadership for a very long time. Even though you're literally the most likely reason that the league could be legally barred from continuing, it's good that you have all that going for you. I'm kidding. Even tat that you're not the best. Arizona has that too. On the bright side at least we're past all those claims that you don't even talk to draftees before picking them. This team is on a collission course with being the also ran of the ASFC for ANOTHER ten seasons which is amazing when you consider how bad a spot the other four teams are in. God knows you'd love to trade conferences with a team like Philadelphia. Unfortunatley you're stuck being the ass end of the ASFC, forced to pay money to the likes of Keygan and Er in S20. Wait....no....you did that one by choice. Damn San Jose. Maybe you should pick another up and coming star to file tamperring charges against and see if they too end up on your team in a seaons or so. It's been the most successful team building strategy thus far. Or maybe you should trade conferences with Chicago instead. Though that mgiht be dangerous. Sure, in theory if San Jose traded with Chicago ONE of them would have to come out ahead. Or the universe would explode.
Colorado Yeti
Good news Yeti! Despite having to climb uphill the entire time, you're technically in first place in the NSFC. You've spent the entire seaosn proving you belong among the best teams in the league with both a solid offense and viable defense. So why do you have that sense of dread? Because you're the Yeti. And sure, Chicago exists now and it FEELS like maybe the two decades of horrific football you trotted out on the field are over. Maybe you're no longer the picture perfect example of what DDSPF is. Then again......one of the people making decisions for your team publicly loved how Chicago was run. And while we're at it.....that one supposedly good team that Baltimore actually beat? It was you. And your offense didn't score a single point. But hey...these aren't REALLY issues to worry about right? That old Yeti is over. Why you just got a huge signature win on the road in Austin after all. The only team to beat them at home this year in fact. And it was you. And yeah, their kicker of the year candidate had to miss a field goal and you had to stop one of the most potent offenses in the league from scoring touchdowns from inside the 25. Twice. And you have a super average offense But I'm sure all these things are sustainable right? I'm sure you'll hold on to this home field, right? Right? And your terrible playoff history won't bite you in the ass too! And it's not like you lost ot the worst tema in the league by 14 points or anyhting. No, that would be terrible. It was actually 24. Not to mention your star acquisition RB's numbers aren't living up to the contract so this could be your only shot. Your best season in many many years has you on the edge of a cliff, still barely hanging with the top teams, and unsure about your future. Good luck.
Arizona Outlaws
I gotta admit. Stealing your conference rival's top pick to be your GM halfway through his rookie season is a pretty nice accomplishment. Sadly, you're in the ASFC. That means you actually have to earn your way into the playoffs rather than just be "not currently exploding". So your 3-0 start that turned into an avalanche isn't going to get you anywhere. Neither will losing by 29 at home. But hey...having the 3rd worst point differential in the league isn't anything to sweat. You have a rookie QB and they always struggle mightily so clearly when his play picks up so will the team. Wait. What's that? He's having a tremendous season and that can't be the reason? Hmm. Maybe its the lack of targets? Well...nope. Top TE and a top flight WR. Maybe its that you just absolutely suck. Your team looks pretty on paper and is going nowhere. Not good enough to compete and not shitty enough to fight for the #1 pick. Just good enough to be the 5th or 6th best team in the league. But I'm sure a brand new GM team in a midseason bed burning style changeover will really do the trick. A GM that that you got by being smart enough to ask "do you want to be a GM?" and another one who you got entirely lucky on because he was IA. I can't stress this enough.The new CoGM was an IA pick that anyone could've grabbed. Arizona is that old McDonalds commercial where two guys are walking down the street and a breakfast sandwich falls from the sky. Finding an IA who becomes CoGM qualiy is the most insanely unlikely event I can think of. Your management can literally be described as Unicorn finding a unicorn. Yeah....that sounds tenable. Good news to the former GM though. Each of the other former Outlaw GMs won Ultimus' after leaving the team. So at least somebody's gonna.
Orange County Otters
The easiest schedule in the league. That's right. You have it. 7 home games for the 4th time in 5 seasons. All of which you've already played. Home games vs every team with a winning record. In fact, just to really drive home the point, you haven't even played your out of conference road games yet. And they're against Chicago and Baltimore. You've been gifted this league on a silver platter with the easiest path to victory possible in this league as it stands. You're in 2nd place. Sure, you've got Franklin Armstrong there acting as the whole offense. Blocksdale 2.0 in full effect. But he had Trey Willie. You have receivers your own GMs are dropping in fantasy. You are the worst front runners of all time. You're Tim Horton's after Burger King bought them. Sure, the name's still there. But that's all you have left. The aura of the unbeatable Otters is your greatest weapon and it's the onyl., reason people aren't doubting you left, right, and center. That and your QB who literally physically disrupts the actual game presentation itself when he runs. Yeah that seems like it represents the sim operating properly. Lucy was a better fucking football player too.
Yellowknife Wraiths
You're 7-4 with a negative point differential. Both times you actually went on the road vs a winning team, you lost by 20+. Here are Cooter Bigsby's rankings. 7th. 5th. 5th. 7th. 4th. I'm not even gonna tell you which is which. It doesn't matter. Mediumsby has not led this team out of the mire. You're the only team that can argue that you have a softer schedule than Orange County since you've only played four games against winning teams. Of the two you actually won, both at home of course, you were behind in the 4th in one and the other team's go ahead drive stalled with less than 2 minutes left in the other. You're a cardboard cutout of a good team with some of the coloring being kinda sloppy. Your location is still the worst in the entire league. Your least bad loss was 13 points to a 4 win Philly squad who beat Chicago by the same score. You lost to them too by the way. And your window is shutting so fast that you might as well be the bad guy from the movie Ghost. 8 of your starters are already in regression at the end of this season and 3 more join them next season. It's now or never. Or in your case, both.
New Orleans Second Line
Testing, testing. Is this thing on? Nope. We're still testing. New Orleans came into this season full of swagger. I'm kidding. They came into this season pretending to be humbled by things out of their control but they fully believed they were hot shit. "Have you met me? I'm cocky" might as well have been the team slogan. Now the slogan is "holy shit the Sabercats beat us twice." in one of those games you needed a last minute comeback touchdown just so you could lose in overtime. Because failure only works in Nola if it's in the most dramatic fashion possible. But hey that's not fair. They'd be undefeated if the other teams would stop doing unfair things like...also testing for games. This team's entire window is hitting it's end right now with their QB starting to get hit hard by regression and they're fighting to maintain 3rd place. The Second Line have become what the Sabercats used to be. Mediocre, delusional, and confused. Don't worry gang. There's always free agency. That's not an invitation to chat with me about it privately, by the way. I'm under contract and we should at least pretend the rules apply to us. Plus if it doesn't go your way you can jsut have Cal delete the entire team and start over.
Austin Copperheads
We're gonna compete in S18! Well...you're two years too late and your GM is running away. Easton Cole is like the bipolar lovechild of Nicholas Pierno and Mike Boss. He would've won 6 titles with OCO by the way. The defense is the best in the league. Which is to say the defense is the one most often let down by the offense. If you don't believe me, Cole just threw another pick 6. The Copperheads are a bunch of old drunk weirdos and malcontents who keep insisting that they're friendly but kinda sound like a cult. And by kinda I mean we should be doing regular headcounts ot make sure they haven't actually kidnapped anyone. They've clinched a winning record for the first time ever, which even Chicago managed to do already. Their GM literally had to be told that the color in their team name should be in the team's colors. They've never signed a free agent and have sold players to other teams for less than $5 in cap space. Twice. The phrase "It has all gone to shit" was literally uttered by the team's future GM today. The team has literally had a #1 pick say "Eww, I'd rather be on the Yeti". Cole just threw another pick 6. The founding GMs have won a combined 8 Ultimus titles. And despite playing together for 7 seasons on two separate teams, none of those titles have been together. Or when either was in charge. They openly bicker where everyone can see and hear it like an old drunk married couple, complaining about each other's mistakes and how their preferred dog is better. No wonder this team's never won more than 6 games. They're an insult to a functional organization. And now they think they're actually challenging OCO? The league is clearly in a down period for anything like that to happen. Maybe instead of charging $1 for active young players they ought to actually talk to one another before trading as a start. Cole just threw another pick 6.
And there we have it. The state of the NSFL right now. I think we collectively need a drink because ho ho holy shit there is a lot going on. More than half of HO has stepped down. The NSFC got cocky for one season and lost anyway. The DSFL thinks it matters. And now the standard of roast has dropped so low that the old man has to come back out of retirement just to show you punks how it's done. Now bring me your rage. Cole just threw another pick 6.
Well well wel-
Oh no. Not you. Nobody's ready for your ass to make a return so get back into your obscure reference cave and wait to come out. These motherfuckers don't even know. Let's get on this. I'm gonna take every team head on and I'm gonna call you out on your shit right here and now. Ready? Nope. Fuck it. First time in a year, let's do this. Team order determined by randomly asking in Discord chat. Young TB helpfully suggested Liberty, Hawks, Butchers, and Garbage Cans in that order as is reflected in the first four teams. Starboy then added in the rest. Thanks fellas! All right. Buckle up. We're about to be really unfair. To everybody.
Philadelphia Liberty
Your superstar rookie Wide Receiver is losing out in every way to the guy picked after him. Yep. That about sums up your season. The most exciting thing this team has going for it is GMs who want to be there for more than a week at a time. We call that a B+ season in Philly. And sure....one of them literally brags about never winning at any level. And the other probably got the job because his Kevin Malone picture always makes people think it's actually Payton. Press Doot to pay respects to the original. I mean even the league doesn't really know who he is considering only Hall is listed on the team's pages as a mod. But hey...it would be unfair of me to say that things aren't looking up for the franchise. At 4-7 you're on pace to be no more shitty than any of the previous three seasons, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Also you beat two of the four teams with the current best records in the league you schizophrenic bastards. You hold your heads up medium.
I was gonna stop here but the Appeals team decided ot add to you rpunishment so we're gonna keep going instead. The running game is the best it's been since the last time I wrote about you and then he left to go win Ultimus'. Plural. Before retiring as the greatest statistical RB in league history. Shout out once again to YoungTB. The passing game is showing magnificent decision making. As in "let's make a top 3 all time QB's recreate into a TE". Stellar work their gang. It's what you expect from San Jose East. A failed runner at kicker, there to take away the sting of you missing out on the last 1/3 of a Hall of Fame kicker career in Fulture. Wait a minute. Didn't I basically just tell that same story earlier in the paragraph? But there's more. A wannabe DPOY who relied entirely on a glitch. A DT whose greatest league achievement was accidentally stumbling on a different conspiracy than the one he was looking for. Well, to be fair, the names are always great so let's call that accidental discovery his second best achievement. All of this and you're not quite eliminated from playoff contention yet because your entire conference is what New Jersey smells like. You haven't had a winning record since the one year you could beat up on the expansion teams and yet you're paying more former GMs to be on your team than half the league combined. Don't worry gang. There's several more failed GMs you could add in the upcoming draft. And the rest of your conferenc eis about to regress so hard that you could win it at 6-7 in S21. Ring the bell.
Baltimore Hawks
At 5-6 you're in a commanding playoff position. Because it's the NSFC. You would be last in the opposing conference behind the other 5-6 teams. That's not even an assumption. You literally lost to both of them. At home. Both times. That stat doesn't even require any insults. It stands magnificently on it's own. The only important thing about your seaosn is that you have games with both ASFC leaders and will likely be present while home field advantage is decided. I'd say you'll be part of it, but you've lost every game you played against a team with more than 4 wins (except one). You lost almost all of those by double digits. So, you'll be present. Then again, Baltimore is used to having losses against the ASFC that factor into the Ultimus. Like...a shit ton of Ultimus' for example. Your Quarterback is almost a star. Reminds me of a kicker that should've been huge and always almost was. I dunno. Maybe you'll get lucky and Philly's DT will find out Yellowknife's QB is actually also...uhhh I mean...I dunno...mildly editing things. Sorry...I get confused which rule violations we actually punish people for these days. Anyway...maybe that'll happen and your QB can finally take over the top slot. it's worked for him before. Your defense is so old that most of your starters are going into regression after next season. The only real young star you even have just tried to smacktalk an inactive just to get a win, only for that inactive to show up within ten minutes and sit him down. Hard. Your running game on the other hand is doing pretty well. You have a nice sol....oops. Nevermind. You just traded him. Well....there's Baltimore for you. Turning competence into slightly less competence at a rate you could set your clocks by. You're like if all of Hall and Oates' songs were written by Brooks and Dunn and sung by Maroon 5. Your entire season is that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer is in a karate class for children and keeps beating them up. At least you can finally get your original logo back though now that your former GM has returned. Small victories. Which is also the Hawks motto.
Chicago Butchers
What can even be said about the Butchers that hasn't already? Oh, I know. "I can't wait to be drafted by the Butchers!". A team so cursed that the worst Werewolf strategist of all time feels like an appropriate addition to management. At least you're interesting I guess. There's rarely a dull Chicago game. Usually for the wrong reasons but still. Your point totals could be a drinking game where everyone dies from alcohol poisoning. Most of the team is about to regress. More than zero of the team is banned. Mostly the roster is just the castoffs from other teams and that one guy no one signed anyway. Congratulations. You're the ex we dial at 3AM of NSFL teams, Chicago. You've only existed for five seasons and people all over the league are calling for you to just end the brand entirely and do something else. It's not even fair to beat up on you at this point, so I'll end with a compliment. Trading away so many of your 1st round picks has proven to be a smart strategy and an improvement over the previous plan of wasting those picks on busts. Kudos.
San Jose Sabercats
Oh boy oh boy. It's the Sabercats. You've given up one more point than Chicago has and scored less. You still have a blatantly stolen name and logo. On the other hand you've stolen a few games and your QB figured out this season that he's supposed to throw it to your team. That's a plus, right? And you've found this nifty spot where none of the other teams thinks you're their rival. Plus, I just heard that your #2 overall pick is gonna step up and become GM. So congrats on that too, because the team has been looking to groom new leadership for a very long time. Even though you're literally the most likely reason that the league could be legally barred from continuing, it's good that you have all that going for you. I'm kidding. Even tat that you're not the best. Arizona has that too. On the bright side at least we're past all those claims that you don't even talk to draftees before picking them. This team is on a collission course with being the also ran of the ASFC for ANOTHER ten seasons which is amazing when you consider how bad a spot the other four teams are in. God knows you'd love to trade conferences with a team like Philadelphia. Unfortunatley you're stuck being the ass end of the ASFC, forced to pay money to the likes of Keygan and Er in S20. Wait....no....you did that one by choice. Damn San Jose. Maybe you should pick another up and coming star to file tamperring charges against and see if they too end up on your team in a seaons or so. It's been the most successful team building strategy thus far. Or maybe you should trade conferences with Chicago instead. Though that mgiht be dangerous. Sure, in theory if San Jose traded with Chicago ONE of them would have to come out ahead. Or the universe would explode.
Colorado Yeti
Good news Yeti! Despite having to climb uphill the entire time, you're technically in first place in the NSFC. You've spent the entire seaosn proving you belong among the best teams in the league with both a solid offense and viable defense. So why do you have that sense of dread? Because you're the Yeti. And sure, Chicago exists now and it FEELS like maybe the two decades of horrific football you trotted out on the field are over. Maybe you're no longer the picture perfect example of what DDSPF is. Then again......one of the people making decisions for your team publicly loved how Chicago was run. And while we're at it.....that one supposedly good team that Baltimore actually beat? It was you. And your offense didn't score a single point. But hey...these aren't REALLY issues to worry about right? That old Yeti is over. Why you just got a huge signature win on the road in Austin after all. The only team to beat them at home this year in fact. And it was you. And yeah, their kicker of the year candidate had to miss a field goal and you had to stop one of the most potent offenses in the league from scoring touchdowns from inside the 25. Twice. And you have a super average offense But I'm sure all these things are sustainable right? I'm sure you'll hold on to this home field, right? Right? And your terrible playoff history won't bite you in the ass too! And it's not like you lost ot the worst tema in the league by 14 points or anyhting. No, that would be terrible. It was actually 24. Not to mention your star acquisition RB's numbers aren't living up to the contract so this could be your only shot. Your best season in many many years has you on the edge of a cliff, still barely hanging with the top teams, and unsure about your future. Good luck.
Arizona Outlaws
I gotta admit. Stealing your conference rival's top pick to be your GM halfway through his rookie season is a pretty nice accomplishment. Sadly, you're in the ASFC. That means you actually have to earn your way into the playoffs rather than just be "not currently exploding". So your 3-0 start that turned into an avalanche isn't going to get you anywhere. Neither will losing by 29 at home. But hey...having the 3rd worst point differential in the league isn't anything to sweat. You have a rookie QB and they always struggle mightily so clearly when his play picks up so will the team. Wait. What's that? He's having a tremendous season and that can't be the reason? Hmm. Maybe its the lack of targets? Well...nope. Top TE and a top flight WR. Maybe its that you just absolutely suck. Your team looks pretty on paper and is going nowhere. Not good enough to compete and not shitty enough to fight for the #1 pick. Just good enough to be the 5th or 6th best team in the league. But I'm sure a brand new GM team in a midseason bed burning style changeover will really do the trick. A GM that that you got by being smart enough to ask "do you want to be a GM?" and another one who you got entirely lucky on because he was IA. I can't stress this enough.The new CoGM was an IA pick that anyone could've grabbed. Arizona is that old McDonalds commercial where two guys are walking down the street and a breakfast sandwich falls from the sky. Finding an IA who becomes CoGM qualiy is the most insanely unlikely event I can think of. Your management can literally be described as Unicorn finding a unicorn. Yeah....that sounds tenable. Good news to the former GM though. Each of the other former Outlaw GMs won Ultimus' after leaving the team. So at least somebody's gonna.
Orange County Otters
The easiest schedule in the league. That's right. You have it. 7 home games for the 4th time in 5 seasons. All of which you've already played. Home games vs every team with a winning record. In fact, just to really drive home the point, you haven't even played your out of conference road games yet. And they're against Chicago and Baltimore. You've been gifted this league on a silver platter with the easiest path to victory possible in this league as it stands. You're in 2nd place. Sure, you've got Franklin Armstrong there acting as the whole offense. Blocksdale 2.0 in full effect. But he had Trey Willie. You have receivers your own GMs are dropping in fantasy. You are the worst front runners of all time. You're Tim Horton's after Burger King bought them. Sure, the name's still there. But that's all you have left. The aura of the unbeatable Otters is your greatest weapon and it's the onyl., reason people aren't doubting you left, right, and center. That and your QB who literally physically disrupts the actual game presentation itself when he runs. Yeah that seems like it represents the sim operating properly. Lucy was a better fucking football player too.
Yellowknife Wraiths
You're 7-4 with a negative point differential. Both times you actually went on the road vs a winning team, you lost by 20+. Here are Cooter Bigsby's rankings. 7th. 5th. 5th. 7th. 4th. I'm not even gonna tell you which is which. It doesn't matter. Mediumsby has not led this team out of the mire. You're the only team that can argue that you have a softer schedule than Orange County since you've only played four games against winning teams. Of the two you actually won, both at home of course, you were behind in the 4th in one and the other team's go ahead drive stalled with less than 2 minutes left in the other. You're a cardboard cutout of a good team with some of the coloring being kinda sloppy. Your location is still the worst in the entire league. Your least bad loss was 13 points to a 4 win Philly squad who beat Chicago by the same score. You lost to them too by the way. And your window is shutting so fast that you might as well be the bad guy from the movie Ghost. 8 of your starters are already in regression at the end of this season and 3 more join them next season. It's now or never. Or in your case, both.
New Orleans Second Line
Testing, testing. Is this thing on? Nope. We're still testing. New Orleans came into this season full of swagger. I'm kidding. They came into this season pretending to be humbled by things out of their control but they fully believed they were hot shit. "Have you met me? I'm cocky" might as well have been the team slogan. Now the slogan is "holy shit the Sabercats beat us twice." in one of those games you needed a last minute comeback touchdown just so you could lose in overtime. Because failure only works in Nola if it's in the most dramatic fashion possible. But hey that's not fair. They'd be undefeated if the other teams would stop doing unfair things like...also testing for games. This team's entire window is hitting it's end right now with their QB starting to get hit hard by regression and they're fighting to maintain 3rd place. The Second Line have become what the Sabercats used to be. Mediocre, delusional, and confused. Don't worry gang. There's always free agency. That's not an invitation to chat with me about it privately, by the way. I'm under contract and we should at least pretend the rules apply to us. Plus if it doesn't go your way you can jsut have Cal delete the entire team and start over.
Austin Copperheads
We're gonna compete in S18! Well...you're two years too late and your GM is running away. Easton Cole is like the bipolar lovechild of Nicholas Pierno and Mike Boss. He would've won 6 titles with OCO by the way. The defense is the best in the league. Which is to say the defense is the one most often let down by the offense. If you don't believe me, Cole just threw another pick 6. The Copperheads are a bunch of old drunk weirdos and malcontents who keep insisting that they're friendly but kinda sound like a cult. And by kinda I mean we should be doing regular headcounts ot make sure they haven't actually kidnapped anyone. They've clinched a winning record for the first time ever, which even Chicago managed to do already. Their GM literally had to be told that the color in their team name should be in the team's colors. They've never signed a free agent and have sold players to other teams for less than $5 in cap space. Twice. The phrase "It has all gone to shit" was literally uttered by the team's future GM today. The team has literally had a #1 pick say "Eww, I'd rather be on the Yeti". Cole just threw another pick 6. The founding GMs have won a combined 8 Ultimus titles. And despite playing together for 7 seasons on two separate teams, none of those titles have been together. Or when either was in charge. They openly bicker where everyone can see and hear it like an old drunk married couple, complaining about each other's mistakes and how their preferred dog is better. No wonder this team's never won more than 6 games. They're an insult to a functional organization. And now they think they're actually challenging OCO? The league is clearly in a down period for anything like that to happen. Maybe instead of charging $1 for active young players they ought to actually talk to one another before trading as a start. Cole just threw another pick 6.
And there we have it. The state of the NSFL right now. I think we collectively need a drink because ho ho holy shit there is a lot going on. More than half of HO has stepped down. The NSFC got cocky for one season and lost anyway. The DSFL thinks it matters. And now the standard of roast has dropped so low that the old man has to come back out of retirement just to show you punks how it's done. Now bring me your rage. Cole just threw another pick 6.
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