*My Week 0 Power Rankings

pulsedk · 10-31-2017, 02:21 PM

8:

Texas Outlaws Up -8 Spots

The Outlaws are just bad. There just isn't any other way to put it. Bold statement, they will win more than three games. Not bold statement, absolutely no way they are making the playoffs. They made headlines when they signed Josh Garden. But judging by the people's response, they thought it was a terrible signing. Basically, Garden is just your garden variety wide receiver. Pun intended. I wouldn't expect him to have more than 25 catches this year #overrated. They also failed to sign Jaylon Lee despite the fact that he wholeheartedly wanted to resign with them. The good news is that Lee has since came out and talked about how he still respects the Texas Outlaws so that is good that he is leaving on good terms. But as a whole, Texas is gonna be bad this year.

7: SJS

San Jose Lightsabers Down a couple-ish spots

The Force is not strong with these poor souls. Anger flows through them and I expect that to happen all season seeing as how they are going to be the worst team in the league. They made some big deals this offseason. These included, but is not limited to, the trades for Jaylon Lee and Orosz. These additions will really help bolster their hopes, a new hope, before play actually starts when they will quickly realize that they are destined to fail. The good news is that the Lightsabers are used to this so they will continue to look for the future. They are built just like some of the other teams in this league, just worse. Think of them as an ugly clone of the good teams. The attack of the clones will be mainly through the air with their passing game. This team can only pray that the force awakens in them and they can win more than 1 game.

6: BAL

Baltimore Eagles Baltimore <= Last Year

As a wise philosopher once said, "A scrub is a guy who can't get no love from me." So using this logic I cannot support a team with a player named Scrub in good conscious. But this team clearly was active in the offseason. No, they didn't sign players, but they decided to keep the same players but make them all switch positions. Basically they did a Chinese fire drill with their team. But, just like with a Chinese fire drill, at the end, the Baltimore players are still Chinese. Or something like that. I'm simply trying to say that they are going to win 4 games this year and that's only because they are going to play some terrible teams this year.

5: COL

Colorado Bigfeets Down one spot on the mystical creature rankings

As we are all aware, the Yeti have been demoted to the Bigfeets due to their pathetic performance on the field. No way I can put this other than they just flat out sucked last year. But when your best players are named Wozy and Tweed, did they ever actually stand a chance? No. This year they will come out fighting though. They are probably the most under looked team this year and I really expect them to benefit from the name change. My guess is the Yeti win 7 games this year on the back of Wozy and Tweed. I'm assuming they are the QB and RB but I don't want to check so yeah that's my guess.

4: YKW

Yellowstone Wraiths Probably down this many spots

The only reason I waited until now to put them on the list is because their icon was too spooky to click. It is ironic that they have a skull in their logo because they are going to die this year. They are the worst team in the league by far. They traded away Cushing who is a new position this year, probably WR. They could have used him cuz he is good so that makes Yellowstone more bad. Expect this team to blow up like a volcano (because Yellowstone is like a volcano, get it?) and get dominated this year. They will not win one game and will probably have to forfeit some wins from last year. -2-19 will be their record.

3: PHI

Life, Liberty, Pursuit of Victory 1776 spots up

'Murica, fuck yeah.

2: OCO

Blue County Beavers I'm out of ideas

So apparently their QB, Mr. Boss is pretty good. And apparently he re-signed with the team. So that's good for the Beavers. Also they had many players change positions which is always fun and exciting. The Beavers had a great team last year and I am expecting them to have a great team this year. With nobody else better than them in their conference, they are clearly the best team in the league. My guess is they play this season like a boss and they win every game. I can't imagine them losing a game so yeah, they are my number one team this year.

1: LVL

Las Vegas Golden Knights I thought they played hockey

Las Vegas is by far the best team in the league this year. They have a great, fuck the power, attitude that I can really get behind. Not sure why people don't see all of the moves they did this offseason. These moves have put them in the drivers seat this year and I expect them to win every game. Also the fact that the golden knights made the transition from real life hockey to the NSFL is proof enough that they are legends. 12-0 is my record prediction for them.

So there you have it. My power rankings. Apparently while I typed this entire thing out on my phone, more power rankings have released. I will study them shortly even though I'm sure they are worthless compared to mine. So as a general summary: Texas is gonna be terrible. Las Vegas is going to be great. Position switches are out of control. I did 18 hours of research for this. Good luck on the season everybody.