*(Sort of) Rebranding the league(s)

**37thchamber** · (This post was last modified: 02-24-2018, 01:56 AM by Supersquare04.)

All the whining over the new NOLA team is silly, because you know, what's done is done, innit? I get why some people are bitching though. Some are bitching because it is in their nature to bitch. Some are bitching because "it sounds weird", which is probably code for "I don't like it and I don't know why" and others, rightfully, complain because there are soooo many better options out there.

I can understand this, as a creative genius.

But let's see what happens if we try to give every NSFL team and DSFL team a snappy slogan like the Baltimore Hawks' legendary "Caw Caw Motherfuckers". A slogan they can be proud of, and put on t-shirts and make hashtags out of and shit.

Baltimore Hawks
"Caw Caw Motherfuckers" - I mean, come on. It's a timeless classic. Doesn't it just conjure up images of a pissed off bird staring at you with ominous vibes all around you? Like would you wanna mess with a pissed off hawk that just said to you, "caw caw motherfucker" ..? I didn't think so.

Colorado Yeti
"Freeze Freeze Motherfrosters" - I'll freely admit this is not my best work. But like... y'all didn't really give me much to work with here. It's not that it's a bad brand, it's just not really something that lends itself well to slogans. I mean, what noise would a Yeti make if it were a real thing? I'm imagining some weird ass Chewbacca shit. And how the fuck I'm supposed to write that?

Philadelphia Liberty
"Ding Dong Motherfathers" - This one practically wrote itself. I had to resist the urge to go with something that matches up with the genius that is Failadelphia, because that's slightly harsh on the Liberty. I mean, they have shit cornerbacks but that's not their fault. None of them are S1, so it's expected that they would have less TPE. But I digress. Their logo is a bell, specifically some kind of significant bell to Americans or some shit, I don't know. Anyway, bells go ding dong. Motherfather is because ding dong isn't badass enough to have a motherfucker. Yeah I said it.

Yellowknife Wraiths
"Feel the terror, motherdeaders" - As much as I think "Spooky Ghosts" and "3Spoopy5Me" are brilliant, neither fits the theme. I like themes. So I remixed that shit. I like remixes too. When they aren't shit. Good for filling out mixtapes with additional fire. Anywho, feel the terror is pretty fuckin self explanatory, I won't patronise you with that. Motherdeaders I don't really know, but it sounded funny. Also dead, ghosts, etc. You get the idea.

Arizona Outlaws
"Pew Pew Motherheckers" - Let's be real, they're not actually outlaws. More like kids pretending to be bad guys. I imagine the Outlaws actually run around with finger guns going "pew pew" at people. Rumour has it, this is the real reason Noah Goodson left. They were so motherheckin dangerous, and he's a good son. It's right there in his name! Oh and obviously motherheckers because come on. They're not gonna swear in front of mom.

San Jose Sabercats
"Rawr Rawr Motherkitties" - Confession time, I actually think the Sabercats have probably the best branding in the league(s). Some serious Sword of Omens vibes off that shit. However... these cats have NOT grown up yet. They regularly take down the hawks, sure... but that's kinda what felines do, ya dig? I believe it is time for them to grow out of that annoying kid Lion-O shit and start slapping them big ol' Panther balls on motherfuckers this year. But until then, y'all still kitties. Fite me.

Orange County Otters
"Win Win Motherwinners" - I like to think this one's pretty fuckin' clear. Could switch it up with Mothervictors instead I guess. Sounds less flow-y though. flow is important. Ask Biggie.

New Orleans Second Line
"Toot toot motherfuckers" - Now I know what you're thinking... why do they get to say "motherfucker" ..? Listen, the LegionLine have been fucked so hard in the four and a bit years since coming into existence, I personally think they can say whatever the fuck they want. Toot toot is quite obviously a musical reference. Hit 'em with the onomatopoeia and shit. Vocabulary, suckas.

On to the DSFL

Portland Pythons
"Hiss Hiss Motherslithers" - Probably my favourite DSFL team to be honest. You can't really do much else with sneks, though. They hiss, innit? And slither. Though to be fair, motherfuckers would be fine here. The Pythons are badass enough to use the term, really.

Kansas City Coyotes
"Howl Howl Motherwolfers" - I know they're not actually wolves, but Coyotes totally howl... like wolves. Also, not badass enough to earn the right to say motherfuckers. I don't make the rules, that was Samuel L Jackson's verdict. I don't question the Jackson, don't question the L, KC. Just accept that shit, lick your wounds, and try again in season six.

Tijuana Luchadores
Tiro Tiro Hijos de puta - Is it racist to give the Mexican team a spanish slogan, or just common sense? Your homework for today: translate that shit and learn something, pendejos. I'm assuming you know what a luchador is.

San Antonio Marshals
"Pew Pew Motherperpers" - These guys are basically the good guy equivalent of the Outlaws. Let's be real. Perps are perpetrators... criminals... geddit?

And I'm not making slogans for bot teams. FOH with that shit.

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Okay so we slogan'd up. I'm not really feeling the way that went though. Some teams just don't have enough mojo to really make a snappy slogan. So I'm gonna rebrand every team as a pokemon.

If you don't like pokemon go fuck yourself. Also, I'm not gonna do the DSFL teams. Mainly because I don't wanna change the Luchadores or Pythons branding. Shit's cool. I suppose KC could become the Lycanroc because wolf, and the Marshals could become the Arcanines though. Officer Jenny has an Arcanine, so that fits nicely. But yeah, DSFL turnover is high enough that it's kinda hard to make poke-related identifications of the teams at this point. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

And I'm not making new brands for bot teams. FOH with that shit.

Baltimore Hawlucha
The current Hawks are a scrappy team, in many ways. And like Hawlucha, they excel at a high paced offensive game (Hawlucha's top two stats are speed and attack), while looking a little fragile at times defensively (Hawlucha's lowest stat is special defense). Also, while their last rebrand didn't quite go as well as they'd hoped with the fans, the Hawks are generally a loyal bunch. When was the last time you saw a player express a desire to leave in free agency? For me, a kickass new identity -- ironically hidden under a mask, ha! -- which represents the team's style of play, but has clear ties to the old identity is the best way forward.

Colorado Abomasnow
I feel like the Yeti are kinda wedded to this whole sasquatch shit. So I rolled with it too. Abomasnow, like the Yeti, isn't exactly the fastest out the gates. It's taking the Yeti a while to rebuild after the devastation that followed the Saskatoon Scandal [is that a thing? it should be... - Ed.], but otherwise, they're actually a reasonably well-balanced team. Not like, playoff quality balanced, but balanced. QB issues aside, obvs. But we can gloss over that because underdog story, etc etc. I mean, Pierno is a walking cautionary tale at this point, but it's hard not to want the kid to stop sucking so damn hard.

Yellowknife Marshadow
Okay so Marshadow looks really strong on paper, and it might well actually be strong. Which is kinda like the Wraiths. They consistently look good. On paper. Then they somehow flatter to deceive. Who knows what the real Marshadow is gonna be like? Who knows what the Wraiths will be like? It's a fun little mystery game the entire league gets to play, every damn season. I mean, it's implied that Marshadow, like the Wraiths, will indeed be pretty damn strong. But you just can't be too sure. It's also worth pointing out that Marshadow is entirely immune to normal and fighting types, but one of its few weaknesses is to flying types. Which is kinda like how the Wraiths split things with the Hawks Hawluchas last season. *Twilight Zone Music*

Philadelphia Weepinbell
I was gonna give them Victreebel but I'm going for accuracy here, guys. I mean, no disrepect to the Liberty but come on, they're yet to win a playoff game. Even the Bengals have won a handful. And let's be real, none of us would describe the Bengals as "winners" ... not even Bengals fans [like me - Ed.] So yeah. Philadelphia Weepinbell, because at the moment it's hard to see them leapfrogging the Hawluchas and Marshadow this season. Let it be known, though, that I acknowledge that "this isn't even their final form". I'm just saying.

Arizona Lucario
It was tempting to give Arizona something of the "dark" type ("evil", in Japanese, FYI), and I was leaning toward Mightyena because it's a doggo, and the Outlaws heckin' bamboozled the entire league. But that's not fair. It wasn't the Outlaws that heckin' bamboozled us all, it was Er, so only like... half the Outlaws. Anyway I settled on Lucario because dude is a fighting type and wears a domino mask like an outlaw in some of those classic films. Just kinda looks like he might be a bad guy, but might not be. It's also worth noting that Lucario is weak to fighting types, like Hawlucha, and the notorious Outlaw Killer is indeed a Hawlucha.

San Jose Luxio
You know how I said the Saberkittens was basically on some Thundercats shit? Well, Luxio is literally a god-damn thunder cat. A pissed off thunder cat, to be precise. Sound familiar? [it also evolves into my favourite pokemon. Hint hint. - Ed.] Now before you start mewling over this decision, just remember I could have said San Jose Shinx, and really taken the piss. I'm trying to give you guys some props here. Like I said before, San Jose are like... right on the edge of doing good things, I think. You'll also note that while Luxio doesn't really have much advantage over say... Lucario -- though it does have some resistant to steel type moves -- it excels against flying types. Like Hawlucha. Peep the recent results, you'll get the reference.

New Orleans Smoochum
Why Smoochum? Okay so Smoochum is pretty weak, if I'm honest... but it also evolves into Jynx. The blackest pokemon [Also hella racist, but whatever - Ed.]. Let's not pretend Nawlins isn't hella black. I mean come on. NOLA have got to be the blackest team in the league. That's not all! Smoochum, being Ice type (lol wait, the black pokemon is ice type? Nintendo some funny motherfuckers) has a lot of weaknesses... much like the NOLA do right now. Jynx also has weaknesses, admittedly, but is also significantly stronger than Smoochum. While Ice is a terrible defensive type, it's actually one of the most effective attacking types, which is perhaps where NOLA are heading in future seasons. Borkus Maximus looks like a bonafide (geddit?) offensive leader, who could sling NOLA out of the basement in the ASFC given time.

Orange County Hydreigon
Okay so I almost went Floatzel because it's a literal fucking otter. It's called "the sea weasel pokemon" for fucks sake. It's also a lot stronger than it's goofy ass appearance would have you believe... however, Hydreigon fits better. Everyone knows Orange County are fucking strong, nobody is fooled by the cutesy little mascot and colour scheme. We all know. And you look at Hydreigon and you know you about to get fucked up. OC also have literal three headed monsters on both sides of the field. Hydreigon has three heads. Get where I'm going with this?

(1974 words; hit me with the grading and shit)